My Bipolar Journal - Episode 221

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 221
November 28, 2008

I sit in the tub though I’m taking a shower,
My skin’s shriveled up, has been for an hour,
I try not to think, I try not to move,
I imagine myself, from my life removed
I can’t breathe, I can’t activate, I’ve got nothing to prove

You’re in me, I feel you
Your hesitated breath
By the phone, with her or alone
Wishing it were me instead

But you’ve got no answers for what you did wrong
And I got so many questions and have all along
So I’ll sit here and wait
‘Til I drown in this rain
I’ll sit here until you call
With no regrets at all

I sit on this park bench, though it’s pouring down rain
My skin’s shriveled up, time hasn’t healed this pain
I try not to think, of my life that has past
How I waited so long, and not regretted the last
I can’t breathe, I can’t activate, I’ve got nothing to prove

You’re in me, I feel you
You stop my breath
By the phone, with her or alone
Wishing it were me instead

But you’ve got no answers for what you did wrong
And I’ve got so many questions and have all along
So I’ll sit here and wait
‘Til I drown in this rain
I’ll sit here until you call
With no regrets at all

I stand on this ledge knowing no one understands
That it’s not about pain, it’s that I’ve nowhere to land

You’re in me, I feel you
My breath is for you
By the phone, with her or alone
Wishing it were me instead

But you’ve got no answers for what you did wrong
And I’ve got so many questions and have all along
So I’ll sit here and wait
‘Til I drown in this rain
I’ll sit here until you call
With no regrets at all

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 220

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 220
November 25, 2008
Mirrored Room of Window Light
By Amherst

MIRRORED ROOM OF WINDOW
LIGHT/MIRRORED ROOM OF PERFECT
WHITE/TAKES MY MIND OFF ONE TRUE
LOVE/SHINE MUCH BRIGHTER IN THE
SUN/FOLLOW ME INTO THE
DARKNESS/TRUST MYSELF TO TRY MY
HARDEST/IT LEAVES ME OLDER
CHANGING DIFFERENTLY/DENY THE
HANDS THAT FORM YOU/THE PULSE THAT
WARMS YOU/BURN THE BRIDGE BELOW
YOU AND GIVE AWAY YOUR FUTURE/I’M
WASTING ALL MY TIME LEFT ALONE/I
HOPE I’M BETTER THAN THIS/MIRRORED
ROOM OF WINDOW LIGHT/BEND OR BREAK
OR SWALLOW ALL MY PRIDE/TAKE MY
TIME WITH ONE TRUE LOVE/SHINE MUCH
BRIGHTER ON THE SUN/FOLLOW ME INTO
THE DARKNESS/PAINT MYSELF AND WEAR
MY HEART OUT/IT LEAVES ME OLDER
CHANGING DIFFERENTLY/MAYDAY/ ALL
WE ARE, CONSTANT
DREAMERS/MAYDAY/SO DREAM YOUR
DREAMS IN VIVID COLOR/I KNOW I’M
BETTER THAN THIS/

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 219

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 219

November 23, 2008

He always leaves with so many questions, but there aren’t any answers. We both know there are no real answers. The answers are unimportant, unreal, a mere moment of terror for one of us and confusion for the other. I dread the moments I have to feel so stupid in front of people who will never understand it, but look forward to the moment that I immerse myself back into it in my entirety, as I always have. The next time I will do things better. More correctly than the last time I did them. I should have seen my fault. I did see my fault and I did nothing to stop it because I thought the inevitable “what if” would pull through. Here I sit though. Confused and broken hearted once more, but nearly as much as the last time. It’s insignificant. We will pull through. This is better than a few bumps in the road, even if the bumps tear things apart in an unnecessary and thoroughly impossible seeming way.

This is different and no one will ever believe me. No one will ever support me again, but I don’t need their support. I know better.

Next time will be different. Next time will be better and no one but me knows that there will be a next time.