My Bipolar Journal - Episode 38

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 38

January 30, 2007

I don’t want to be second to anything

But I’d never want to be first

I wouldn’t take any of it away from you

Or try to ruin what its worth

I don’t need you

Or you and you alone

Doesn’t mean I don’t want it

Or to call you my own

This phone call means
As much as your kiss
Those few little words
That seem meaningless
Mean more to me
Or just as much
As the first time
That we touched

I won’t dream of anything

More than I have now

Reality has found a way

To surpass my dreams somehow

Saying I love you

Doesn’t mean enough

Not saying anything

Can say so much

This phone call means
As much as your kiss
Those few little words
That seem meaningless
Mean more to me
Or just as much
As the first time
That we touched

We could pretend

That we aren’t who we are

Then we never

Would have come this far

I’m not asking for forever

Or for you to pay the price

I’d do it all again

Hell, I’d do it twice

This phone call means
As much as your kiss
Those few little words
That seem meaningless
Mean more to me
Or just as much
As the first time
That we touched

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 37

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 37

January 29, 2007

Only better and better.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 36

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 36

January 23, 2007

I never realized before how much I tried to change everyone in my relationships until I met someone I didn't want to change even a little bit. Everyone says that they don't want to change the person, but really, most of the time; we're hoping that something changes. I know with Chris I was just so convinced and had made such a commitment that I kind of felt like I had to go through it and make it work because of the decisions I made early on in our relationship. I did everything I could to make it the ideal relationship and it just wasn't. I didn't even know what I wanted.

Did it take me going through all of that with Chris to realize what I really did want though or would I have figured it out naturally later on. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that even having a bad experience is meaningful and helps shape who you are as a Human (or non-Human) as the case may be.

Either way, I'm sort of here now. I have no expectations of anything, ever, even myself, but I'm just taking everything a day a time and trying not to think about what any of it "means". Taking things at face value can be a lot deeper than analyzing them inside and out. Something sits funny with me about not knowing where anything is going, but it all still excites me just the same.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 35

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 35

January 17, 2007

I believe I made an ass out of myself to someone I didn't really mean to make an ass out of myself last night. I have to start getting better at realizing when these manic phases are coming on. I think when I discover something exciting maybe? You'd think by now I could recognize it, but it just hit me last night like a ton of bricks. A ton of happy bricks! It's still there, but now I am aware and can control most of it. I hope I didn't lose a friend out of it. I think, I think, I think I can explain myself to this person though and it won't be detrimental to my well-being.

Things are just going so well. Great meeting about Chicks last night and the Poison Room. I might be able to pick up something with them and work with Tony again.

I made my New Year's resolution only a few days before the new year. I wanted to find a way to bring people to shows, get my shit together, get things organized and by the end of the year, not have to work these crappy temp jobs anymore and now I know I will. In only 17 days of the new year I have gotten so much more organized and feel like I know exactly where I'm going in this crazy world of music business. I feel like I'm doing something that can change the way people look at shows around here. I've met an amazing band that has not just challenged me on what to expect from bands, but what to expect out of myself from a business stand point. I'm going to to intern with people I respect and that are successful in the music business. I'm going to get my own intern. I'm going to live doing this. I'm going to live doing what I love.

My friends are amazing; my business relationships are amazing and getting better and better. Hell, someone from mother-freakin' Showtime contacted me about doing something with Chicks. I'm more thrilled that someone from Showtime was even checking things out on my site. Someone from a major cable network was checking out my silly little event that I thought of seven years ago. Some days I don't even know where I am.

My roommate made chocolate cupcakes last night! Life couldn't be any better than any of these things. I just need to sort out the poor little boy I might have scared the bejeezus out of last night and all will be well.

It's so great to be out of my funk.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 34

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 34

January 10, 2007

Hugging

Hugging

Hugging

Holding

Curve of your neck

Kissing

Small of your back

Touching

Clothes

Missing

Hair

Disheveled

Breath

Quickly

Legs

Shaky

Skin

Sticky

Body

Reacting