My Bipolar Journal - Episode 48

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 48

March 14, 2007

I'm being my usual self only more tired. Heading to Austin tomorrow for SXSW which makes me happy. I'm actually more excited about what I have going on the week after that though. It seems odd because nothing makes me happier than Austin during SXSW usually.

I'm so tired.

It seems as though my divorce is going to have to be messy. I'm really upset about that. I don't seem to have much of a choice though. I just want it over with. I want to be divorced more than I ever wanted to be married now. I want it more than another Christmas, another SXSW, a career in music and a pink pony named Cotton all rolled into one. I just want it to be done. I should have got another job just to pay for it a long time ago and just done it.

I told him something that wasn't true and I'm afraid I'm dragging more people into it than necessary. None of this is going to make any sense if I type it right now.

I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision again. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. I am so in stupid love and now I know what people mean when they say, "I've never been in love like this before." Sometimes I wonder though how delusional I am. I know it's silly. I know better. Don't I? No, I don't. I never do. My brain is dysfunctional.

Hopefully, Austin will help me work some of this out, but I don't know if I'll be able to even have a good time if I can't just say some things first and I can't say anything because it doesn't make sense.

People keep writing me that are reading my blog. I'm not going to answer some of you, not because I don't appreciate anything you have to say, but because either I don't know you or I know exactly who you are. Some of you will answer when the time is right. I'm having a conflict about some of it. Some of you I think are intentionally trying to call me out, confuse me, make me more crazy, react badly or wait for me to not react at all so you can seem like the bigger person. Some of you want to win. I don't go down easy.

I'm tired. None of this makes sense. It does in my head only a little. I want soft pillows, but they're expensive.