I didn’t do this. I did nothing wrong whatsoever. Why do I keep getting punished? I’ve finally come to the conclusion that although I may have reacted poorly to a myriad of situations that I never once caused them. I never once reacted with any less than love. I didn’t do anything because someone led me to believe something they didn’t want me to believe. I didn’t say anything to anyone that wasn’t from my heart. Every day I am punished though. I wonder what the unforgivable thing is that I have done. I’ve gone over it continuously in my head and there’s no conclusion that makes a bit of sense. I know faith is supposed to be something that you have because it’s just that….. faith. Regardless, anything worth fighting for, anything worth believing in, anything that is supposed to keep faith alive, slips through the cracks for people who have dared to believe in it in the first place. Oh, how traumatic and emo it must all sound. How inane and purposeless it all must be. How much bullshit some of you must feel you should feed into my head. How important you must want to tell me life is, but why? Because you’ve either a) eluded yourself into thinking that what you have is reasonable and perfect or b) eluded yourself into believing that there is a possibility of reasonability and perfection.
I have news. Sometimes you find love. Very few people get to feel it unconditionally. Very few people are willing to listen to someone who has fucked up their life and yours beyond repair and still find a way to love that person because love doesn’t have limits when it’s real and true. You’re all wrong. Sometimes you’re punished when you don’t even know what you’ve done. Sometimes people actually go out of their way to make your life awful when you’ve done nothing but love them unconditionally. Sometimes you think you are capable of unconditional love, but if you can turn it off, how is is so unconditional. Sometimes you’re wrong and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes people let you down for no other reason than the fact that they specifically intended and plotted to let you down. Sometimes you don’t get over it. Sometime love doesn’t die or grow soft or faint or lie in the background waiting for someone to pick it up and either redeem it as the love they lost or a love to make all their own. Sometimes people have no other reason to hurt you than the fact that they like it and don’t care one bit how you feel about it. Sometimes you’ll still stand up for those people. Sometimes you’ll be proud of it and other times you’ll be ashamed. Unconditional is loving beyond pride or shame though. Sometimes, sometimes is all the time and you will never know how true this statement is and the people that do get it will continue to be bowled over, overwhelmed and destroyed by it. Sometimes, is usually all the time. Especially for those of you reading this with a thought in your head that you could give me or anyone like me hope. Some people aren’t made for this world. Some people are made for a better one that the delusion that your parents, grandparents and other nonsense of forefathers taught you to believe. Some of us were dropped off on the way to their real life where real happiness doesn’t lie in being just like everyone else with jobs, families and children that we are miserable with. That’s not life. Saying no one is happy with their job or that no family, husband, wife, life partner, child is perfect is a delusion. It can be. When people see that it can be, they run and they run quickly.
I don’t belong here. Then again, does anyone?
