My Bipolar Journal – Episode 163
December 3, 2007
I know we used to say it all the time, but I wonder how true it is right now. I can feel You. Something’s unsettling about pretty much this entire day and this is a day of comfort. It’s pajama day. Yes, it’s the day I cry and get all my crazy, depressed stuff out of my system. I purposefully watch things to make me cry to try to prevent it happening at times that are not only awkward for me, but everyone around me. I just feel nervous, alone, upset and hurt. I have no good reason for it except for the usual reasons and quite frankly, I’ve sort of learned to live with those. Not that it makes me feel any better about the situation or as if You are right and I am wrong. The situation will remain broken and undone until you realize that it is broken and try to fix it. I wait as patient as I am able most days. Some days it hasn’t been very patient at all. I know that no matter what, I feel no less than I ever have. I’m only learning patience with it. And a tad of anger at watching You become more and more something that You’re not. Even when I’m not watching it, I know it’s true. My heart still feels exactly the same as it did so many months ago. So many people say that it’s just being dumped and that it happens to everyone. I’ve said that to people. People say it gets easier. It doesn’t though because I haven’t been dumped. I’ve been destroyed. Not only have I had to live with the idea of not having a small version of You around, but my relationship with everyone has changed because of it. Being with you made all my relationships different. It made everything I had ever felt with anyone better, no matter what it was. Family, friends, best friends, lovers past and present, all of it was better. I haven’t just lost you, I’ve lost everyone. You were a part of it all and now the best part of who I was not only to You or myself, but to everyone around me is gone and I’m just not good at being less than I was. I’m not saying I’m invaluable, I’m not saying I’m not capable of being a good friend or loving people, but I’m less. I can’t be less, not after being more. Not after being what you made me capable of. No one else will see it. People will read this and say, “No, you’re a good friend. You’re not less. You’re a bit crazy, but you’re not a bad person.” I’m aware, but the people who are wanting to say those things aren’t inside of me. They can’t say I’m any more or less. They can’t say I’m any more or less because they’ve never been destroyed. They’ve merely been dumped. Until you feel the best part of you disappear, then you can’t make any assumptions about me. That’s why I don’t feel as stupid saying things like, “I feel you.” Even now.
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