My Bipolar Journal - Episode 212

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 212

June 21, 2008

I’m not sure. I’m not even sure what to write. There are always so many things on my mind that I think, I really want to write about that and then I sit down to write and I draw a blank.

I know that there is a really odd feeling I have about someone. I like them and I’m not sure what to do about that. I’m not even sure what it means. There’s an ambiance that stands that is completely unexplainable. How can you like someone you don’t really know? Is it just the appeal of what there is to offer or what little has been offered? Maybe the appeal that the one thing that someone is always after seems to exist, but not be necessary? If only I had one day to figure it out, but it’s just not possible. Maybe it’s the waiting that is the best thing. Once I have what I want, will the appeal still be there?

I also find myself very happy about my friend situation as of late. It’s a good feeling to not feel like you’re trying so hard. I look back on a portion of my life that existed long ago and how hard I worked to be with people and even though I know my company wasn’t always minded, it was always hard work to get the attention I craved. Now, being truly 100% content with who I am, as odd as I may be, it’s comforting to get a lunch invite, a text asking what I’m up to for the night or being called on even when someone is just bored and needs someone to hang out with. I really am grateful for so many people and so many little things. It’s amazing that when you are able to lift the mask of who you thought you were all of the small gestures and thoughts and tiny gifts that you get seem so big and all the big things that you thought were so significant seem so trivial and unnecessary to even think on for longer than a few seconds.

I’m disappointed with someone, someone I don’t think that I ever thought I’d be disappointed in. I guess maybe I’ve finally found the one person whose opinion matters to me and that is disappointing. I’m tired of being judged for working hard for being happy by this person. I’m tired of hearing about how stupid the place I live is and how stupid the people I hang out with are and how dumb my career decision is. I feel really looked down upon by someone that I guess I wanted to look up to me because I found how to be content and love my life. I’m exhausted by always finding that someone’s opinion may matter to me at all.

I’m tired early. Off to a billion more nightmares.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 211

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 211

June 15, 2008

I’ve wanted to write like 3000 times, but it’s always weird the things that set you off to actually sitting down to do it and it’s never things that you thought it would.

I can’t count how many times I have sat down and talked to a dude and we both agreed that relationships were not what was in the cards for us in our lives and mere hours, days, sometimes weeks later they start flaunting the new barely girl turned wanna be supermodel around, their My Space status changes from “single” to “in a relationship” and suddenly there don’t seem to be enough pictures of them to be contained in just one album of Photobucket. They change every picture that identified them as themselves to a picture of how now they are to only be identified if this said person is attached to them. The level of respect I had for them those few hours, days or weeks ago drops and I become even more sad knowing that everything that these people decide to say was an attempt to excuse their lives until they could find their own identity through someone else. It’s the bane of my existence.

Now I get to watch you stumble around and hide things, mostly yourself from everyone around you in attempt to be this “relationship” person. I can’t just walk up and opening hug or kiss you anymore without looking to see who else is around first. Not only do you have to adjust yourself, I have to adjust myself and I think that I’m done doing that. I’m done really giving a crap about how you think you appear in front of this new person. I did it out of respect, but I realize that honestly, I’ve lost most of the respect I had for you now, so why should I spend the mere moments I have left in this world tiptoeing around who we really are because you’ve lost part of who you are. I’m still the same person, so really all I’m doing is losing myself for our relationship, which has become less important because of the person you chose to put on a pedestal and have less honest conversations than we’ve ever had and make our relationship seem unnecessary.

None of this is anything I really want to be talking about.