My Bipolar Journal - Episode 224

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 224

December 17, 2008

I don't presume to know how you feel. I don't presume to know how anyone feels. I barely presume to know how I feel. Everyone wants me to relate and feel what they feel when I can't feel much of anything anymore. I feel less every day. Blah, blah, blah, who cares.

I talk in riddles. Maybe someday someone will put it all together. It will be long after I'm gone though.

People worry so much about death, people mourn it. I envy it. I don't envy what it leaves behind though. I don't envy the improbability of it. I'm sure that I will care about other people so much that I will allow myself to be completely and totally immersed in it before I am even allowed to partake in it.

I'm sorry people are so saddened by it. Maybe we're the ones missing out though. No one ever thinks about that though because it's so unknown. Maybe there's nothing after this, but sometimes… isn't that better?

Maybe not. Lord knows I say things out loud and suddenly I get troublesome calls and letters saying people are worried, but… I'm worried about people. People that want to stay in a world like this. It's just me. I'm not saying that you don't have to enjoy this.

Some people enjoyed high school. Some people enjoyed childhood. Some people enjoyed homelessness and drugs and being treated "badly" and having stories to tell about their awful life. Some people enjoyed having a story to tell at all. Some people enjoy their miserablness. I don't, but I live it for other people. I continue to hate everything for you. It's fine. I'm not going to give in because you'd think it was lame. It's the only opinion I care about because it's the only opinion people find painful. I wish I could find a way, but there isn't one.

All I know is that at the end of the day I don't know how you feel and that you think you know how I feel and could excuse it for some reason potentially smaller than anything you've gained, earned or entrusted in someone else. Doesn't matter. Here I sit all broken-hearted, tried to shit……