My Bipolar Jouranl - Episode 229

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 229

March 7, 2009

It’s Not My Fault

By Boomkat

You know I felt much better when I had you

With me the thunder and lightning was so beautiful

But I awoke from the dream just like i always seem to

It all feels so real



So everybody I know, they know me well

Enough to know to get close, is hard as hell

But that don't mean you shouldn't try

I really think you should try,ay,ay



I 've tried to fight it, but now I am on my knees and,



It's not my fault

If I can’t hold on, I'm not that strong,

Nooo...it's not my fault

Can't you just play along with me.



It's been so long since we slept in the same bed

It's hard to get me alone or get inside my head

Would you prefer me to fake it and cry instead

You say it's like I'm dead



I've tried to fight it, but now I am on my knees and,



It's not my fault

If I can’t hold on, I'm not that strong,

Nooo...it's not my fault

Can't you just play along with me.



I, find that everything I try always falls apart

and crashes and dies and

I, find the strength to try again

oh, I fall to my knees, and pray to begin



It's not my fault

If I can’t hold on, I'm not that strong,

Nooo...it's not my fault

Can't you just play along with me.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 228

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 228

March 2, 2009

I feel like I just took a shower 5 seconds ago. Well, I did, but I mean the shower before that. Is it only Monday or is it Monday yet? Time’s either going very fast or very slow, but I can’t seem to choose one. There’s a part of me that wants both.

I have so much dribble built up.

Where the fuck to people get off calling me a “people” anyway? I’m clearly barely alive most of the time. February is over, but I’m stuck in it still. It’s too damn cold. Part of me is convinced that if I see one more damned flake of snow I’m driving until I fall into the Grand Canyon. I’ve always wanted to see that. Then I know that’s the wrong way to die.

I think like a teenager most of the time, but I’ll be 32. I’m all emo and depressing and think talking about killing me is cool as long as it’s in a rational manner. I kick my own ass in my sleep, but as many bruises as I’ve consumed I could easily get away with telling someone that I got my ass kicked by some mean dude. I never would, but I’m lame enough for those thoughts to enter my head. I’m so glad this is my last birthday because then I can be whatever I want. I want to shave half my head just to know what it would feel like, but I’m pretty sure I’d just turn out looking like a dykey lesbian. Not the pretty lesbians, but that it would be mullet-like, just got back from jail and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels kind of lesbian and nobody wants that.

I’m pretty sure that I’m still mad about something that is stupid to be mad about and that I should have known all along. I’m probably just mad at myself for actually letting it upset me when I knew it was going to happen. It’s so hard to tell sometimes though. In a way, what this weekend brought was what I like to think of as answers, but what if they’re the wrong answers? Well, I guess at least they’re still answers I suppose.

I’m excited about things to come and then I ask myself why because I know I’m just going to end up whining and crying and getting classified yet again by people who have already classified me no matter how I’ll react. I could walk away skipping and jumping, but it wouldn’t matter to them anymore.

I don’t mind my crazy. I like it. I can’t imagine feeling tied down by an alarm clock or someone else’s schedule whether it is a diaper change or day light savings time. I’d make up my own time, but then no one would understand me anymore. Does that matter when they don’t understand me anyway?

I’m not jaded by one man, I’m jaded by the world. I continue to seek out people who are truly happy and usually come up empty handed. Even people who say they’re happy I see being unhappy and just convincing themselves they are because someone told them that if they follow all the instructions in the Life brochure they should be happy. I don’t have low self esteem, I think that people are confused by what good self esteem is.

My thoughts are too close to my brain today.