That's right. I hate you! I hate everyone! {throws self on ground and kicks feet and screams like small child}. I have no idea where this anger came from today, but I'm sure it has something to do with some crap dream I had and now I'm angry and can't make it stop. So freaking stupid.
I know I'm getting stir crazy. I know I want to be on the road or go somewhere about 1,000 better than Ohio, but even so close to getting my tax refund I am again out of money to do so. I have bills paid though and a few gifts for myself on their way. I hope they all come today so I can sit in my living room and laugh manically at my good fortune and then I can just be sad tomorrow. It's so much better than being angry.
Would like to punch babies, would like a beer, would like a beer to punch babies with. Maybe I think that if I type long enough that I can fix it, but so far I'm only getting angrier. I'm progressing through some weird stage of nonsense that I can't control at the moment. It's usually fine once I acknowledge I'm just acting crazy, but it's a no go this show ladies and gentlemen. Just got to work through it until it passes or I drown myself in some kind of mind numbing pill that makes me want to do less than I'm already doing now.
Part of my crazy is, of course, being a control freak, so it is completely wrapped in irony and causes a nice snowball effect when I can't control my stupid head. It's not like I can take a sick day from it, or go home and leave my head somewhere else. I bet you can on my home planet, but here I am stuck in this Human body that they force us to cover with even more uncomfortable disguises.
I'm sick of the arguments too. Mostly the ones I have with myself, but it's hard enough not doing what feels natural all the time without having to defend it. I'm not special. Everyone is crazy now. Doesn't stop me from wanting it to make me special though. I just shouldn't have to argue with people as if it were some kind of competition that my crazy isn't as bad as their crazy or vice versa. EVERYONE IS CRAZY! Humanity has finally evolved into one huge chemical imbalance. Even the people who were once perceived as normal seem more robotic and Stepford Wife than ever to the rest of us. And we're taking over mother fuckers. The more you procreate, the more we exist and we shall destroy you! And it shouldn't be about if someone else is crazier than someone else. If you don't feel right in the noggin', you don't feel right in the noggin'. Unless you're out ax murdering people there aren't really different levels of this shit. Medicated or not. In fact, if you are medicated, you shouldn't be so "crazy" supposedly, right? So, if you're nuts and you take pills and your still nuts... WHAT IN THE SAM HELL AND TAR-NATION IS POINT! You may as well, dump the pills or take all of them. The end result will be the same anyway.
There's no amount of herbs, spices, chemicals, or knowledge that will keep any of us from dying. There are however plenty of those things to prolong us being here so that we can grow old, be trapped in our own minds and bodies until they decide to starve us to death because that's what's "natural". Why shouldn't we take back the control? Is it so wrong to not want to suffer, have my license taken away, my freedom taken away or be spoken to like a child in another 30 years until I become too weak to move and they just let me starve to death? I hope no one ever looks at my old sorry ass and calls me cute and acts like everything I do is such an achievement like walking down a hall or having a glass or 4 of wine. It's no wonder people get cats and hole themselves up in some big haunted house.
Don't get me wrong. This is not a suicide note. I am perfectly content with my life when I can get my brain to cooperate with me and that part will come soon enough. I just don't know why we are all torturing ourselves all the damn time and why I have to hear about it be treated like my problems are trite because someone else thinks they have it worse. I don't care if you have a freaking hangnail. If that is the all-consuming shit that is fucking up your day, then SO BE IT! My problems may not possibly compare to the torment of your hangnail and I have no right to presume otherwise.
Marriage, sex, financial troubles, procreation, house payments.... these are all things people put on themselves and they are able to be escaped. Whether you ever want to admit it or not. These are choices you make and no matter how much you pride yourself on "making a commitment , it can ALWAYS be broken. Sure, it might make you selfish, but isn't being a little selfish better than being wholly miserable? I believe this life is it. And even if you don't, who the hell are any of us to say otherwise. Why spend all this time being miserable and then making perfectly content people miserable by bitching about your own life choices. If you have terminal illness, mental illness, are being held as a slave, starving to death because you live in a 3rd world country... these are things you cannot control. These are things that you can escape though in some way, but it makes all that other shit just sounded idiotic. FIX YOUR SHIT OR LEAVE ME BE ABOUT IT!
I'd like to hear about some real problems for a change. I want to hear messy shit. I want to rile people up into a tizzy and make them think about things for a change. More so, I'd love it if I could find something that makes me think of anything else. Anything at all. Isn't anyone else finding this shit, this life, mundane? Is it only me or is everyone just afraid to say anything about it because it makes them sound like.... well, a crazy person. Surprise!
Don't presume you know someone. I don't think I know a single person any longer that has even touched the tip of the iceberg with the things my brain wants to think and things I want to say and the actions I'd like to take. It's been about 15 years or so since I've had this problem and hopefully this will be the last time, however, in the meantime, don't presume anything about me ever. The me most people know, isn't a me I don't like or that I am unhappy with, but it's definitely evolved and been created over time. So much so that I think I convinced myself that is the person I am, which is cool with me too. I'm ashamed that the only description I can think of right now is what Dexter (yes, from the TV show) calls his dark passenger. Or in Supernatural (yes, the TV show) when they tell Sam to not scratch the surface or he'll crack. I have a nice open wound that I'm constantly suturing. I'll catch up to it. I have complete confidence, but in the meantime you get my babbling. Suck it.
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