It's just amazing to me how I've really had a lot to say this month, just no time to say it. Maybe it explains my current mood.
I miss my crazy friend and his ability to keep up with my crazies. There's just no one to be that completely honest with anymore. He stopped being able to handle my crazies as soon as he started dating a girl who was actually crazier than me. Plus, now he's far away and his phone is turned off. I miss it so much it's painful. He's the only one I met in life where I can say, "Yeah, so I had this dream that came true and it was awful" or "I'm pissed off to the point of killing" and he didn't look at me like I had three heads. In fact, he's probably have a story to relate.
Don't get me wrong, I have great friends besides him. Friends that I wouldn't trade for all the french fries they could fit in the Pacific Ocean, but there's always that one that you wish you had back. I'm bursting with crazies to share with someone and there's just no one to share them with and it's a little tiny speck of lonely in my heart. People say they can handle it. In fact, some of them are insulted that I won't share some of those things with them, but I know. I've been there. They can't actually handle it. They may make good face for the conversation at hand, but as soon as you walk away their eyes pop out of their head and they think, "That chick's got a few screws loose."
News flash. I'm okay with having a few screws loose. I'm okay with the screws you have loose. How come when other people know that they're about to lose their mind or have something ridiculous to vent or complain about or have a nervous breakdown, they know they can come to me, but I can't find one damned person to take on me. The second I do, they up and leave for another state and don't pay their phone bill and start fucking sociopaths?
I'm so tired of tip-toeing and worrying about boys feelings and if they'll take me too seriously. I'm so bored with guys and their fucking attitude like all girls worship them and can't wait to get in their pants. Especially with me. I guess they think I can't get anyone else, so I must be inclined to obsess over them and them alone. I guess I'm the pot possibly calling the kettle black though. It's funny how many guys I tend to be attracted to that I seriously think no other girl would be. Come to find out, a lot of girls are. I always think I'm picking the underdog, the one that would be lucky to have me fool around with them and hang out with them, but I always seem to be wrong. I guess we all have a little bit of cock ass in us.
What really upsets me right now is the fact that I like someone. I am not to be liking people. This is the second person I've liked since Chris and it's starting to piss me off. I don't want a relationship and I certainly don't want to ruin friendships. Just like with Christian, just when I finally gave myself up to liking him he turned into an ass. An honest to God ass, not just the asses that you read to much into everything they do and make them into an ass, but an ass! He actually called me a shithead last night, so I pretty much went off and made it clear that he is to not speak to me again. I am so killing his character off in my book. Do I want that to happen again? Hell no. And what happens when you like a guy more than just the standard physical attraction that makes you want to grope them? They turn into asses. Maybe they turn into asses because we care too much. Maybe we turn into asses making them in turn, turn into the ass. I feel like I just wrote some horrible Dr. Suess book about asses.
You know what though? Fuck that! Why do I always try to look at myself and see what I could make better about myself? Why can't I just take a guy for the jackass he is and move on. Do I have to convince myself he's an ass to get over it? No. I was over Christian long before this shit even happened. After our little fight, I worked on getting over it and just being his friends with a "come what may" attitude. Fuck that! He's an ass. It's not my fault he's an ass and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be okay with that.
The real question is, why do we torture ourselves? Why are we so inclined to snatch up the first person who shows a mutual interest, buy them a ring and pull them into our deluded lair?
Let's say for instance, the boy I like did like me back and we found some sort of harmonious bliss for a few short moments and decided we shouldn't see other people. That was our new way of things. How unfair is that of me? Making him believe that this was forever because of the way his brain would interpret such things. I will not get married. I am not interested in long term. Even if I could date him for, let's say three months (perish the thought), I would want to move on making him believe I have wasted some portion of his life, in turn upsetting him, something I would never want to make a friend feel. Not for my sake. If I can get over myself, I will be a great friend and outlast his first divorce because friends are better! Friends are always better! Who wants a girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife when you can have the bliss of friendship? Why does my deluded mind still cling to false hope that I really don't even desire? Damn the conditioning!
Then there's this whole thing about people with day jobs. I stand on the elevator every morning listening to people gripe about why they are here and how they all wish they could be home. The thing is, of course I do to, but I have no intentions of staying here. These people do! They're content in their misery so that they can keep paying for the lives they probably didn't really want in the first place, so they can retire and grow old with people they really didn't intend on spending the rest of their lives with. Who can afford that? I am every day getting just a little bit closer to having the life that I want. The one that I deserve. A happy one where I will not give into the grind of everyday life doing things I have no intention of ever enjoying. Every morning and evening that I hear the conversations of the elevator I know that I am the luckiest girl in that damned elevator because one day I won't be there to listen to it.
Another thing is, why am I so pissed off at all truly? I have the best friends a person could ask for. The best relationships. The best life. Working on the best career for my means and my enjoyment in the rest of whatever it is I will be blessed with, but I'm overcome with this rage. I guess it's just people. People ruin my mojo. People ruin everyone's mojo. People are upset that people want to be happy, that they want to be happy and it just upsets me. They say things like, "That project at work is keeping me awake at night" and they don't mean it in a good way. It's work. The only reason work should keep you up at night is if it's because you love it so much that you don't mind that it's a part of your every day life.
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