My Bipolar Journal - Episode 26

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 26

December 3, 2006

So, I can't seem to get out of high school. I can't decide if it's in my brain or in real life anymore. This is so stupid. I know there are things I should never consider again, but I can't help it.

Boys and their stupid feelings just piss me off. I can't seem to move without being judged. I get it. I'm not hot anymore. I'm usually okay with that until I start to get ridiculed. As if I don't know that a mild attempt at making fun of me is a real way of making fun of me.

Sometimes, I just wish I would die tomorrow so that the people that know they have acted this way would know that I noticed. Just to think that I showed them something and taught them a lesson. It's sick. It's twisted, but I think more people feel like me every day and don't have the honest to God balls to say it.

I'm hurt. I like someone and it hurts that they don't like me back, but even worse is the fact that I don't want to like them and that it hurts that they don't like me back and then that I'm pissed that I even like them in the first place. This is why I don't want to like boys. Or girls. It just sucks. All the time. There is no good that can come from it.

What's even worse is that I can't even seem to stop myself. I know these people don't like me, but I can't seem to avoid looking like a dumbass in front of them. It's keeping me up. It is nearly 4 in the morning on a Sunday morning in Pittsburgh and I can't seem to help myself except to be hurt. It is so dumb and I know it, but I can't stop from acting like a jerk. I can't stop liking jerks. It's an epidemic. It's twisted. I'm a jackass and I can't stop it which makes me even more of a jackass.

I'm tired of being "that girl" and I can't stop being her all at the same time. I surrender! I give up! There's nothing I can do to stop myself and I'd rather die than be this person, but no one gets it. No one cares. They just see these selfish attempts at me trying to get some sort of attention. In real life I don't care, but in bipolar life it seems to mean the world to me.

Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck it all! I can't keep doing this! If I go back on medication I can't feel what I feel and if I do then I go back to feeling nothing all the time. I can't even think of a worse disease. I can't even think of anything worse than your soul dying. I can't think of anything better than the high I get from this either, but it doesn't matter.

So, the question is, which way to I torture myself day in and day out? Which way do I go? Is there a right way? Is there a right way for "normal" people?

I can't even choose for myself. I hate that I'll read this on one day when I'm not feeling quite as insane and send myself into another downward spiral. There is just no way to live like this. Snide comments, rude gestures, bullshit rages.... none of it is real. None of these people are real. None of these relationships exist!