My Bipolar Journal – Episode 216
July 31, 2008"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen – I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sing into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it." - Samantha Black Crow, American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
My Bipolar Journal - Episode 215
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 215
July 30, 2008
You can’t trust me, but that’s only because your definition of trust is wrong.
Trust isn’t always about telling the truth. It’s about trusting You to do what is best for You. It’s not about me and how often I’m there or how often You’ll be here. I trust You to keep Yourself entertained, to laugh at life and live it fully. It doesn’t matter if what You tell me is true or not, only that You told me. I trust You to keep going and to never give up. I trust You when we’re together, no matter how honest the words are out of our mouths, the honesty in touching and holding and laughing can’t be argued. Laughing always tells the truth. There is no laugh like an honest laugh.
But you… I wouldn’t trust you if you told a million truths and never lied once.
Me? I have no reason to lie. I have nothing to hide. I will tell you anything you want to know and I will tell you many things you may not have wanted to know in the first place.
The day is coming soon… the one We talked about. So, who do You trust?
July 30, 2008
You can’t trust me, but that’s only because your definition of trust is wrong.
Trust isn’t always about telling the truth. It’s about trusting You to do what is best for You. It’s not about me and how often I’m there or how often You’ll be here. I trust You to keep Yourself entertained, to laugh at life and live it fully. It doesn’t matter if what You tell me is true or not, only that You told me. I trust You to keep going and to never give up. I trust You when we’re together, no matter how honest the words are out of our mouths, the honesty in touching and holding and laughing can’t be argued. Laughing always tells the truth. There is no laugh like an honest laugh.
But you… I wouldn’t trust you if you told a million truths and never lied once.
Me? I have no reason to lie. I have nothing to hide. I will tell you anything you want to know and I will tell you many things you may not have wanted to know in the first place.
The day is coming soon… the one We talked about. So, who do You trust?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
My Bipolar Journal - Episode 214
I'm everything You need and nothing You want.
Words that are all better than mine:
With Or Without You
U2
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
The Kill
30 Seconds to Mars
What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.
Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me
Paperthin Hymn
Anberlin
When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight
These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complacent violence become my only friends
August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complacent of violence become my only friends
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complacent violence become my only friends
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
These thoughts run through my head
And probably the best one for You:
Gravel
Ani Difranco
I heard the sound of your bike
as your wheels hit the gravel
and your engine in the driveway, cutting off
I pushed through the screen door
and I stood out on the porch
thinking fight, fight, fight, at all costs
But instead I let you in
just like I've always done
I sat you down and offered you a beer
and across the kitchen table
I fired several rounds
but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared
You came crawling back to say
that you want to make good in the end
oh, let me count the ways that I abhore you
you were never a good lay
and you never were a good friend
but oh, what can I say, I adore you
All I need is my leather
one t-shirt and two socks
I'll keep my hands warm in your pockets
and you can use the engine blocks
we'll ride out to California
with my arms around your chest
and i'll pretend this is real
cuz this is what I like best
You've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one
and maybe you can keep me
from ever being happy
but you're not going to stop me
from having fun
So let's go, before I change my mind
I'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind
cuz I am bigger than everything that came before
you were never very kind
and you let me way down every time
but oh, what can I say, I adore you
Words that are all better than mine:
With Or Without You
U2
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you
The Kill
30 Seconds to Mars
What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.
Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me
Paperthin Hymn
Anberlin
When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight
These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complacent violence become my only friends
August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
Laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
This sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complacent of violence become my only friends
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
The sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
(Over and over)
Complacent violence become my only friends
I thought you said forever
(Over and over)
These thoughts run through my head
And probably the best one for You:
Gravel
Ani Difranco
I heard the sound of your bike
as your wheels hit the gravel
and your engine in the driveway, cutting off
I pushed through the screen door
and I stood out on the porch
thinking fight, fight, fight, at all costs
But instead I let you in
just like I've always done
I sat you down and offered you a beer
and across the kitchen table
I fired several rounds
but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared
You came crawling back to say
that you want to make good in the end
oh, let me count the ways that I abhore you
you were never a good lay
and you never were a good friend
but oh, what can I say, I adore you
All I need is my leather
one t-shirt and two socks
I'll keep my hands warm in your pockets
and you can use the engine blocks
we'll ride out to California
with my arms around your chest
and i'll pretend this is real
cuz this is what I like best
You've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one
and maybe you can keep me
from ever being happy
but you're not going to stop me
from having fun
So let's go, before I change my mind
I'll leave the luggage of all your lies behind
cuz I am bigger than everything that came before
you were never very kind
and you let me way down every time
but oh, what can I say, I adore you
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Fan Letter
First of all, I grew up with a father who was bipolar/manic depressive/severe mood swings/basic rat bastard. Having to constantly bend and shape my interactions with him based on HIS mood of the moment, is extremely taxing AND unbelievably self-centered on his part and completely consuming on my part and the part of the rest of his family.
Oh, if HE wanted to throw a fit, he felt HE was “allowed” to do it! Because he had no control and then couldn’t remember what the hell he just did because his rage was so strong. If HE wanted to go out to the store at 2 in the morning to buy 52 pies with no place to put them when he got home, that was okay, the whole family had to go along with it. If he wanted to screw up yet ANOTHER holiday, picnic, graduation or whatever was taking place that HE was not the object of attention, he’d fuck it up on purpose just so the attention was back on him. And hit someone just because he didn’t agree with them or they didn’t agree with him was perfectly normal and justified in his mind.
Do you have any fucking idea what it’s like to live with someone who has this problem??????????????? Your arrogance is SO apparent. Do you realize how many people in your family, in your circle of friends, your co-workers, and just people you have to deal with on a daily basis, have to conform to YOUR idiosyncrasies, so YOU don’t have an “episode”? Do you know what that is like????????????
Do YOU understand the constant stress YOU put other people through that are TRYING to DEAL with you, love you, work with you, go to school with you????? When is it time that YOU stop and think, how am I PISSING others around me off? How can I better LEARN to get along with others? Never ONCE does it cross your mind that you MIGHT have done something rude, uncalled for, stupid, selfish, annoying, and pain in the ass like, and put YOURSELF in check?????? I mean, what the fuck?
Just because you have this thing going on in your head, does the whole rest of the world have to part the sea so you can feel “okay”? Yes my father was on Lithium for a time, his sister told him to get off it because all it was keeping him “drugged up” so he couldn’t be himself. Do you know when he was on the meds, it was the best time in ALL our lives because he was finally rational? How would YOU like to live with someone 6’5” tall, over 200 pounds and hands the size and texture of a catchers mitt, punch and HIT you all the time?
Let’s not even get into once you’re on the ground, being kicked by this person! What gives him the right to do that? BIPOLAR DISORDER???????? Now I have to deal with the same type of personality in my classroom (I’m 45 and in college, she’s 32 and a maniac) but everyone has to put up with her constant mood swings, banter, highs and lows, accent changes, and personality morphs! FUCK THAT!!! Do you know how fucking stressful that is???? Do you know how mentally draining it is to deal with?????
You probably don’t like what I’m saying to you, because when someone close to you lets you know how you’re behaving, your first reaction would be to strike them, that’s a really smart way to handle things by the way. I wish I could have smacked my father whenever he pissed me off or disagreed with what I thought or said and I definitely feel the same way about the girl in my class!
I have tried countless times with my father and this girl, to sit down and talk with them, discussing how they feel and all that and all it adds up to is this…they only want to hear themselves speak, and they always justify their actions! Breaking my nose and cornering me in a classroom are not normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed off, hurt, and had to grow up with this insidious mental defect. You may think its “cool” to be so “different” but try being on the other side and having to deal with YOU. NOT SO COOL!!!
My father finally past away last December and all I could say through tears was, “It’s finally over”. Not a very nice way to live for anyone. I say, get help, get meds, and keep on going to therapy so you learn the proper way to deal with yourself and with others and most importantly, your own thoughts.
Don’t email me back with your justification on all this. I’ve heard it before, I’ve seen the broken bones and the blood and the hospital stays. Nothing you can say will ever justify the rude and thoughtless behavior of YOUR problem. Can you tell I hate this “disease”?
Sincerely,
Grown child of bipolar parent
Response from the non-cool (a.k.a. me):
I have no idea who you are, but ya know... everyone's different. If I were doing stuff like that, I would hope I'd have enough common sense to take care of it professionally. Some people with it are functional, some people aren't and I've never asked anyone... let alone a stranger to deal with it. I'd say I'm sorry that you had to deal with it and so on and so forth, but I don't know you, so I'm really not. You don't have to read what I right. It's my selfish way of thinking of things out loud because I write better than I talk.
It's cool though that you'll go through life hating people in a certain classification though because of one person though. Kind of like the Christians, blacks, Jews and Republicans. Not everyone is like that. Don't worry. I'm not trying to convince you to think I'm cool for it because that's the last thing I could possibly care about. Just maybe don't close your mind to everyone. You'll miss out some great people. Not me. But great people.
I appreciate your dissertation on why I'm not cool though.
Yet another reason I don't make babies. They'd grow up to hate me just like you hate your dead dad.
Oh, if HE wanted to throw a fit, he felt HE was “allowed” to do it! Because he had no control and then couldn’t remember what the hell he just did because his rage was so strong. If HE wanted to go out to the store at 2 in the morning to buy 52 pies with no place to put them when he got home, that was okay, the whole family had to go along with it. If he wanted to screw up yet ANOTHER holiday, picnic, graduation or whatever was taking place that HE was not the object of attention, he’d fuck it up on purpose just so the attention was back on him. And hit someone just because he didn’t agree with them or they didn’t agree with him was perfectly normal and justified in his mind.
Do you have any fucking idea what it’s like to live with someone who has this problem??????????????? Your arrogance is SO apparent. Do you realize how many people in your family, in your circle of friends, your co-workers, and just people you have to deal with on a daily basis, have to conform to YOUR idiosyncrasies, so YOU don’t have an “episode”? Do you know what that is like????????????
Do YOU understand the constant stress YOU put other people through that are TRYING to DEAL with you, love you, work with you, go to school with you????? When is it time that YOU stop and think, how am I PISSING others around me off? How can I better LEARN to get along with others? Never ONCE does it cross your mind that you MIGHT have done something rude, uncalled for, stupid, selfish, annoying, and pain in the ass like, and put YOURSELF in check?????? I mean, what the fuck?
Just because you have this thing going on in your head, does the whole rest of the world have to part the sea so you can feel “okay”? Yes my father was on Lithium for a time, his sister told him to get off it because all it was keeping him “drugged up” so he couldn’t be himself. Do you know when he was on the meds, it was the best time in ALL our lives because he was finally rational? How would YOU like to live with someone 6’5” tall, over 200 pounds and hands the size and texture of a catchers mitt, punch and HIT you all the time?
Let’s not even get into once you’re on the ground, being kicked by this person! What gives him the right to do that? BIPOLAR DISORDER???????? Now I have to deal with the same type of personality in my classroom (I’m 45 and in college, she’s 32 and a maniac) but everyone has to put up with her constant mood swings, banter, highs and lows, accent changes, and personality morphs! FUCK THAT!!! Do you know how fucking stressful that is???? Do you know how mentally draining it is to deal with?????
You probably don’t like what I’m saying to you, because when someone close to you lets you know how you’re behaving, your first reaction would be to strike them, that’s a really smart way to handle things by the way. I wish I could have smacked my father whenever he pissed me off or disagreed with what I thought or said and I definitely feel the same way about the girl in my class!
I have tried countless times with my father and this girl, to sit down and talk with them, discussing how they feel and all that and all it adds up to is this…they only want to hear themselves speak, and they always justify their actions! Breaking my nose and cornering me in a classroom are not normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed off, hurt, and had to grow up with this insidious mental defect. You may think its “cool” to be so “different” but try being on the other side and having to deal with YOU. NOT SO COOL!!!
My father finally past away last December and all I could say through tears was, “It’s finally over”. Not a very nice way to live for anyone. I say, get help, get meds, and keep on going to therapy so you learn the proper way to deal with yourself and with others and most importantly, your own thoughts.
Don’t email me back with your justification on all this. I’ve heard it before, I’ve seen the broken bones and the blood and the hospital stays. Nothing you can say will ever justify the rude and thoughtless behavior of YOUR problem. Can you tell I hate this “disease”?
Sincerely,
Grown child of bipolar parent
Response from the non-cool (a.k.a. me):
I have no idea who you are, but ya know... everyone's different. If I were doing stuff like that, I would hope I'd have enough common sense to take care of it professionally. Some people with it are functional, some people aren't and I've never asked anyone... let alone a stranger to deal with it. I'd say I'm sorry that you had to deal with it and so on and so forth, but I don't know you, so I'm really not. You don't have to read what I right. It's my selfish way of thinking of things out loud because I write better than I talk.
It's cool though that you'll go through life hating people in a certain classification though because of one person though. Kind of like the Christians, blacks, Jews and Republicans. Not everyone is like that. Don't worry. I'm not trying to convince you to think I'm cool for it because that's the last thing I could possibly care about. Just maybe don't close your mind to everyone. You'll miss out some great people. Not me. But great people.
I appreciate your dissertation on why I'm not cool though.
Yet another reason I don't make babies. They'd grow up to hate me just like you hate your dead dad.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
My Bipolar Journal - Episode 213
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 213
July 15, 2008
So, it’s been a while, not that it’s been a while since I wanted to, but it’s been a while since I could concentrate long enough to sit down. I just have to do it though. I find when I don’t write things down and send them to the world as if anyone should even give a crap about my shitty little life that my brain gets clogged and I start thinking even weirder thoughts than usual. Not that my life is shitty, I just always find it ironic that anyone gives a shit about anyone else’s life long enough to subscribe to a blog. I find it interesting that anyone would want to share themselves in a blog either, but I figure it will keep everyone else from prying in everyone else’s business and I really don’t give two shits about what anyone thinks of my life, so I’m here for everyone to geek out on.
Best friends are dropping like flies these days. Everyone’s got their own addiction, their own ideas of what crazy is and that their version of crazy suddenly doesn’t match my version of crazy for whatever reason and the fact that any of us are crazy should even matter in a friendship baffles me continuously, but there you have it. Then there are the ones that have turned me into their own version of a credit card machine and use their pathetic excuses to abuse the system, so in turn I have to give up and I’m not very good at giving up. Especially on my friends. This is sometimes why I end up getting dumped first. Because I don’t give up on people and in turn they think I’m crazy for not giving up. Sometimes not though. Sometimes it just happens. All I know is I’m getting a huge friend enema and my ass is starting to hurt. It’s ok though. I still have plenty of people floating around, a couple of bests, a number of good and a slew of acquaintances to keep me happy, but I always wind up missing those sad little four people who can’t seem to get their shit together. It only makes me sad to know that they will have no one else to go to when their life turns to shit once again. And news flash… everyone’s life turns to shit more than ten times in a normal life span, so good luck to you all. You will be sorely missed (see enema comment).
Due to the strange drop in strong friend climate it’s leaving me with a longing lately. I miss those best friends that were good for the friendship and the fucking and those that were just good for the friendship and camaraderie, but losing them all at once leaves me wanting something more long term. I need to find that person again. Not the ‘til death do you part guy, but the fucked up friend that does fucked up things and calls me when their high or low and is cuddly and warm and fun. There’s no friendship service for that. I mean, ok, there is My Space, but the onslaught of people is overwhelming. There’s also life, but I’m starting to feel like I’ve met everyone here and there’s no one here from my home planet anymore. A change might be needed. Either I’ll pack it up and make my elusive trip to Nashville or just pack it all in, leave most of my worldly belongings behind and go to Europe or somewhere I’ve never been, where I know absolutely no one and start fresh. Europeans are more fun, well, at least in my experience. Whenever I meet a good European dude I feel like I’m getting close to my home planet. I’m sure there are boring humans there too though. At least they would all talk in a neat little accent though. I’m not ashamed to say I am a sucker for an accent. I wouldn’t even care about the ones that give me shit and say they hate Americans. They’d learn to love me soon enough. I’m not a girl who ever gets immediate acceptance anyway, nor do I find it in anyway necessary.
I keep thinking of things to write, lyrics to post, people to call out, but when I sit down to write, it never comes to mind because I’m not writing the minute I think of things right now. I’m sure it’s a phase and I’ll be back to writing six blogs a day soon enough, but right now, that’s all I have.
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