My Bipolar Journal - Episode 213

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 213

July 15, 2008

So, it’s been a while, not that it’s been a while since I wanted to, but it’s been a while since I could concentrate long enough to sit down. I just have to do it though. I find when I don’t write things down and send them to the world as if anyone should even give a crap about my shitty little life that my brain gets clogged and I start thinking even weirder thoughts than usual. Not that my life is shitty, I just always find it ironic that anyone gives a shit about anyone else’s life long enough to subscribe to a blog. I find it interesting that anyone would want to share themselves in a blog either, but I figure it will keep everyone else from prying in everyone else’s business and I really don’t give two shits about what anyone thinks of my life, so I’m here for everyone to geek out on.

Best friends are dropping like flies these days. Everyone’s got their own addiction, their own ideas of what crazy is and that their version of crazy suddenly doesn’t match my version of crazy for whatever reason and the fact that any of us are crazy should even matter in a friendship baffles me continuously, but there you have it. Then there are the ones that have turned me into their own version of a credit card machine and use their pathetic excuses to abuse the system, so in turn I have to give up and I’m not very good at giving up. Especially on my friends. This is sometimes why I end up getting dumped first. Because I don’t give up on people and in turn they think I’m crazy for not giving up. Sometimes not though. Sometimes it just happens. All I know is I’m getting a huge friend enema and my ass is starting to hurt. It’s ok though. I still have plenty of people floating around, a couple of bests, a number of good and a slew of acquaintances to keep me happy, but I always wind up missing those sad little four people who can’t seem to get their shit together. It only makes me sad to know that they will have no one else to go to when their life turns to shit once again. And news flash… everyone’s life turns to shit more than ten times in a normal life span, so good luck to you all. You will be sorely missed (see enema comment).

Due to the strange drop in strong friend climate it’s leaving me with a longing lately. I miss those best friends that were good for the friendship and the fucking and those that were just good for the friendship and camaraderie, but losing them all at once leaves me wanting something more long term. I need to find that person again. Not the ‘til death do you part guy, but the fucked up friend that does fucked up things and calls me when their high or low and is cuddly and warm and fun. There’s no friendship service for that. I mean, ok, there is My Space, but the onslaught of people is overwhelming. There’s also life, but I’m starting to feel like I’ve met everyone here and there’s no one here from my home planet anymore. A change might be needed. Either I’ll pack it up and make my elusive trip to Nashville or just pack it all in, leave most of my worldly belongings behind and go to Europe or somewhere I’ve never been, where I know absolutely no one and start fresh. Europeans are more fun, well, at least in my experience. Whenever I meet a good European dude I feel like I’m getting close to my home planet. I’m sure there are boring humans there too though. At least they would all talk in a neat little accent though. I’m not ashamed to say I am a sucker for an accent. I wouldn’t even care about the ones that give me shit and say they hate Americans. They’d learn to love me soon enough. I’m not a girl who ever gets immediate acceptance anyway, nor do I find it in anyway necessary.

I keep thinking of things to write, lyrics to post, people to call out, but when I sit down to write, it never comes to mind because I’m not writing the minute I think of things right now. I’m sure it’s a phase and I’ll be back to writing six blogs a day soon enough, but right now, that’s all I have.