My Bipolar Journal - Episode 217

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 217

August 5, 2008

I don’t know why things end up the way that they are and I’m not entirely sure I’d want to. More and more I believe that we will all die not knowing who we’ve impacted or if we’ve truly impacted anyone at all. All I know is that I will not go out like that. I will make sure that everyone knows. I know that no matter how many things seem imperfect or wrong that when I go back to count my blessings I’m still always one ahead of the game.

Maybe He gets it, maybe He doesn’t. I believe I’ll be long gone and never truly know. I kind of like that. I like that I can be one of a kind. I like knowing that pretty much every person I encounter will know exactly what it is I did or didn’t say or did or did not feel. I like the fact that whether its cancer, a car wreck or suicide we are all dying pretty much at the same rate we always were. Some of us just know the result sooner than others. I’m not saying that everyone should just pony up to dying, but that maybe someone who has no physical ailments has accepted their death just a bit more. I’m not saying to give up on anything either.

I’m not depressed that I talk about death or think about death or how one day it will happen. I’m depressed that other people will think they could have stopped it or maybe that they did something wrong. Still… the depression will never overwhelm me to any certain point.

Understanding this new religion of possibilities is so much better, so much more deserving of belief than anything I’ve ever known. If Baptists and Mormons hadn’t ruined door to door evangelism, I think I could convince people to believe in everything, or at least that it is possible. Of course, there will always be people who don’t believe which means there will always be arguments, but if everyone could stop focusing on their one simple minded thought, maybe there actually could be world people (however people are people and convinced that even if they agree with you that they are more right somehow in their sad sack of Human nature, so it would never matter).

There are people who will read this and think of how sad it is that I didn’t know their god or personal belief or political stance or love their sports team, but I do. I know it because I love. I know it because I believe in the possibility of everything mattering, even the things I may not always agree with. Who am I thought to say I’m right and you’re wrong though.

I love that you talk too much. I love that you wear coats in the middle of the summer and shorts in the middle of the winter. I love that you get so excited about something as mundane as someone throwing a ball back in forth to someone in the same colored shirt as you. I love that there are people setting the standard for cookie cutter lives and stereotypes and cults and hatred so that I can look at all of you and say that I can’t be that way. If I never could have said I won’t be that way, then I certainly couldn’t say that I believe anything you say and I could never believe what I believe in the same conviction that you do.

I love it when my friends annoy me and piss me off and don’t accept me and ignore me.
I love that those are options. I love that no matter how much it hurts me to turn away from them when I know I could help them that I still turn away because it’s what they need in that moment. I love it that my friends don’t call and I don’t call them and that someday I’ll call one person (or vice versa) and we’ll simply pick right back up where we left off and I’ll call someone else and they’ll be angry with me for not calling (even though they didn’t call me either).

I LOVE THAT EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT! I love that you think I’m more different than anyone you’ve ever met or that I’m the most mediocre mundane creature you have ever laid eyes on. Creature. Great word for someone not being part of your world.

All I know is that people are different and confusing in this world and I can’t wait to just get to the next one or go back to wherever I came from. Mostly because this blog makes sense to me and there aren’t many people left in this world that it will make sense to. They’ll look at it as a shallow, pathetic cry for help or attention or senseless thought and randomness, but it’s me. It’s my world and I can’t change it, therefore I won’t try to. I’ll just keep waiting.