My Bipolar Journal - Episode 5

So, more things to think about after long hours of online conversations. The thing about talking to people online is that no matter what, you are always trying to say something better than you would in real life. It doesn't necessarily change what you would say, but more in how you would say it. Sometimes, you find yourself even more profound than you ever thought you would be.

Something I've been thinking on though that I said yesterday is the point that I have been trying to make to myself for quite sometime though.

I will never be well off. I will never have more than I need or just enough to get by. I will always struggle. It's my MO. It's what I'm good at. Just getting by. Maybe someday someone or something will reach up and grab me in the butt and I won't quite make it, but until that day arrives, my goal is to struggle. I know that I can struggle. I've done it many times. It's something that I'm comfortable in. I'm fairly certain that the day I would win a million dollars that I would be hit by a meteor before I could leave the gas station. In which case everything will go to my husband because he is the type to get things that are given to him and not much he has earned. That's just the way things work out for me. Be it said here and now, give him enough to pay off our house bills if they still exist at that point, and then split the rest between my family (mom, dad and brother) and the gang. This being my last will and testament should I win the lottery and be immediately killed by a irreconcilable force of nature (which is bound to be the case).

Struggle is inevitable whether it be personal or financial and chances are that it is both. Struggle is the thing that we all must endure to appreciate anything. If you look at the Paris Hilton's and the fact that she has never and may never actually struggle, you also see what she appreciates. Enough said, I would suppose.

As I see things right now, I think struggling to get by is truly the way to live life. It makes you see who your friends are, what you do have when you feel like you've lost everything, what you can stand to lose and still survive.

Struggle, in turn, turns out to be the true testament of a person. It's what makes us into unique creatures that understand the other. Struggle is about our experiences.

I would venture to say that people with bipolar, people with most chemical imbalances at this point, have certainly had to struggle just to keep one thought in their head most days, so I guess it could be fair to say that we appreciate more making us appear more crazy than we are. Of course, I don't think of myself particularly special due to this fact. I venture to believe that just about everyone will have joined chemicals enough one day to make crazy the new normal. I do believe though that it has made me who I am, as delusional as I might be most days.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 4

So, I was thinking today, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have a lot to do anymore once I stopped breathing. People ask other people, "When are you going to settle down?" I suppose that means to literally sit, meet the "man of your dreams", buy a house, find some corporate schmuck job, fuck, make babies and clean your house. Well, if you want to know when I'm going to settle down, I already did. I've decided that "settling down" is not really for me though. We don't particularly get along. I want to be the old lady in the nursing home yelling Bingo when there's no game and grabbing all the old men’s behinds. That is, if I would be cursed enough to live that long.

To me, the job of "settling down" includes, your heart not beating, your breath finally leaving you and closing your eyes and never opening them again. That actually sounds much better than the sit-man-house-job-fuck-babies-clean scenario.

Why is fucking always the climax of any relationship? Why is that the summit of the mountain we try to reach to have a relationship? What happens when you meet and fuck first? Then what is there to aspire to? Is that why they're always one night stands? We felt we've conquered that mountain? There can't be anything better than fucking right? There can't be anything more intimate than fucking. I think fucking is pretty damned bland if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. I'm a bit limited in discussion on the topic seeing as how I've already reached my lofty aspiration of only fucking one man my whole life. I didn't really fuck him though because I couldn't think of anything better. I did it because it meant something, well, that and you get curious after a while. While twenty-two years is by no means a record, it does raise certain questions.

I've don’t that now though. I want something much better than fucking. I don't even want it to involve sex. I've come to this conclusion after days and days of being so horny that I can't concentrate. Horniness though can be stifled many different ways. I want to find the Holy Grail of Intimacy though. It doesn't have to be with a boyfriend or a lover or a husband or any sort of standardized relationship. I've found more intimacy in conversation with a friend or the adrenaline of the light brush of a stranger than I may have ever found in fucking. Don't get me wrong. My ex wasn't bad in bed or a terrible lover, but (sorry, hon) in a way I guess he was because he couldn't find the place where I really wanted to feel it. There were a few small moments of time that the two combined, but did I really have to fuck to feel the moment? Did I want to? Hell yeah.

I guess I see sex more like a guy, but I'm girly enough to try to find the deepness of it. Kind of sad really.

Sometimes though, I've realized that when I reach a point in a relationship where fucking would normally come into play, I find myself searching for something more. Something to make this unique. That for once, my climax isn't crawling into bed. I find that I've made it some high and lofty goal to make a man want me bad enough to fuck me, but then realize that's not what I really wanted anyway. Usually, what I wanted was much simpler. It usually wants to take me backwards to the reason I ever wanted to seduce him in the first place.

God, that's sick.

The strangest tmie in my conversion from being married was probably when I had a man I wanted to seduce, completely seduced. I had him there, literally within reach of at least a fantastic make out session of some manner. I told myself at the time that I did nothing (which had never been my nature before Chris) because he had shown me some reason to respect him. I still respect this guy in a lot of aspects, but my real reason that day was that I just wasn't ready. The fact I did respect him at all also made me worry about him thinking that I would be all up in his business which can truly end a good friendship. I stayed off, kept my cool, and let the night be what it was. Good conversation.

He still didn't talk to me for the next few days and there's still this odd tension when I'm around him. I could have got some and still gotten that treatment. At least then I would have had something out of it. When I come to think of it though, I did. I had good conversation, the pleasure of his company for that night and hopefully one day things will go back to some form of normal.

It goes back to the same opint as well. You finally manage to follow through with a guy and suddenly he needs some sort of security blanket to make sure that you aren't trying to stamp him as yours. What I don't understand is where I've ever given off an impression that I needed something more than just that physical moment.

The cause and effect of whichever actions I take all seem to end the same, so it would conclude to me that the decision to fuck (or come close) or not to fuck really makes no difference at all in the end. If the person is going to act like a banana later, then that is how they will act, regardless of what the situation climaxed to.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 3

So, my fabulous weekend of merely sitting on the couch until I nearly become a fungus was "ruined" by Jody. Ruined is of course used lightly because I enjoy Jody quite a good deal and certainly don't mind helping a boy out. His car troubles led me to Mariemont four times in total for the weekend and up to Butt-Fucking Mason (its official name) and then to Northside Tavern (which I think is about to get a good Butt-Fucking added to its name as well).

First of all, I thought of a great deal of things while sitting down to my meal at O'Charley's and listening to Jody talk and responding or initiating the conversation myself. I make a lot of eye contact. I never really realized it until recent job interviews. Everyone says, "I really like your eye contact. You have great eye contact." I always presumed I was making them uncomfortable for them to notice it so much. Maybe I'm like a stalker. I would make a really great stalker if I could actually find myself even remotely entertained by someone else's life. Anyway, Jody and I were also talking about the fact that I don't usually hang out with too many girls. I find them whiney and obnoxious overall, but there are the few that can handle me. I'm not a yes-girl and more than anything girls seem to want to be told they're right all the time. I generally don't tell someone they're right unless they are. I figure that's why I can meet people's eyes and others seem uncomfortale about it, either veering away or addressing it so that it doesn't seem so strange. I have nothing to hide. Anyone can know anything about me given the right conversation or the right line of questioning. I'm not dishonest because I can't be dishonest and maybe that's because I spend so much time looking people directly in the eyes, which is also strange because I can never remember a person's eye color.

I suppose that's why people feel they can be honest with me. I am the only girl probably still left on the planet that has no particular desire to see a boy cry, but has seen nearly all of her guy friends do it at some point. Now, I generally deal with this just fine, but sometimes, in the moments before I know it's going to happen, I brace myself uncomfortably. There are some people (not just boys) that I sit on the edge of my seat chanting, "Please don't cry, please don't cry, please don't cry" because I don't want to have to comfort them. Which is again strange because I generally don't comfort them and I think that's why they all cry around me in the first place. They know I'll make them stop one way or another. Most of the time, people crying don't need to be comforted, they need to be told the truth. Most of the time, they're too embarrassed and want to be brought out of it one way or another, so I find honesty and laughter the best tool for those sorts of things. It passes all of those uncomfortable moments clean by. I usually apologize and say, "It's my fault really. I make boys cry."

Oh, the brutal honesty of a bipolar, but life is really much too short to lie about (either way you want to read that is just fine). Probably why I am just as well-hated as I am well-liked depending on who you talk to.

Speaking of being truly well-hated, last night at Butt-Fucking Northside Tavern (yes, I think I'll like it and I'll stick with it) and there is a girl from a particular band (that most people will know anyway, so I'll protect the innocent here) whom I know for a fact hates the Chicks Rockfest. I think she hates it more because she was in the first one and doesn't want to admit it. It makes no difference to me either direction, it's just the facts. It's really a shame though because I quite like her band and music and would love to have her submit some year. Either way though, they played their set and I walked up to her and re-introduced myself. It's been six years since I've talked to the girl, so I said, "Hi [insert name]. I'm Jenn from the Chicks Rockfest." She looked at me queerly although I know she knows what I said and followed up with, "What?" I obliged her by repeating myself and waving it off saying it didn't matter because we met six years ago. She said, "Yeah, I don't think I ever played in that [festival]." I just waved her off again and said, "We played together several years ago when I was in a band, but that's not the point. I just wanted to tell you that you did a good job tonight and I enjoyed your set. That's all." She looked very confused by me and so I said, "That was it. I'll see you around." She shook her head and thanked me although from the looks of her you would think I had smacked her with a carp or told her that her pants were down. I don't know exactly what she was looking for out of me, but I'm fairly certain it wasn't a compliment. She has a good band, they write good songs. Why can't you compliment someone even if they don't care for what you do? Why do people seem to want and expect more drama than a simple compliment?

Another observation while at the Tavern. Girls again. They want to own their territory so badly, I thought I'd take a few on. Just for the shits and giggles of it. One girl was completely absorbed in Dale and the other was completely absorbed with someone I had just met. I came in and wrecked their party apparently because I came out to say hello to Dale. They both shot daggers at me. As soon as the fellow I had just met, did indeed met me, he was completely absorbed in conversation with me although why will be a mystery for quite some time, but I thought I would use it to expirament. I completely absorbed myself in his conversation and within nearly ninety seconds I had been invited back to some place where he said one side of the building was completely full of beer and the other completely of cocaine. He said it rather quietly as so the other girl wouldn't hear him which I found even more bizarre because then he spent a few moments later trying to ensure that he brought her into the conversation, leading me to believe they had a relationship.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 2

Well, I was just thinking about how the dreary morning was an abosulte buzz kill when the sun started coming out again. I felt a little better and back to normal. I thought though, "How can I feel back to normal." There is something inside us that says that this is the way you're supposed to feel, or this way suck, or this way is amazing yet not quite normal. It would seem we all have a sense of "normalcy" ingraned into our system much like the natural compulsion to do right and wrong. I don't enjoy being "normal" though. In some ways, I enjoy being depressed more than being "normal" because at least that is entertaining on some level. It means something is happening. How lovely it would be to get my high back though, but I don't control it in such ways.

Is manic depression, although not a choice, something that is an addiction? So many of us on medication and off medication, changing medication and sometimes just accepting our brain for what it is and trying to cope. The reason we self-medicate with alcohol or drugs is not because we love alcohol or drugs, but because we need to experience our high or low again. Just to feel something like that. Something other than normal. People need to break down that component of normal into something other than what it is, which is quite frankly telling me that normal is just completely uninteresting.

Today I went to the post office to ship a package to Christian. The fee was outrageous, but I had to ship it. Everyone condemns the hypo-manic for their overspending, but I don't particularly plan on leaving things in this world behind. It's not so much that we want to spend money and spend money and spend money (well, at least not for me), but the effect of spending it seems overwhelming. You can't bear to not have the reaction you get from the money spent. I know that the package I put together is a very good one and that Christian will like what is inside and I want to make that happen and I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Even give up my lunch for the day.

The reaction I get from buying books and CD's is the same. I want to experience the song or the story and feel the way I do when I'm in those moments. It doesn't particularly matter how I get there, I just have to experience it. Even going to my weekly lunches at McFadden's I know is worth it because of the delectable taste of cheese sticks, chicken fingers, slider, chips or fries will be so fantastic that it doesn't matter what it cost me as long as I can taste the food and revel in it perfection.

I will go to the store today and buy two bottles of the finest $7 wine you can find and spend the weekend sitting on the couch on my computer working, chatting with Christian, watching movies or working on my novel, possibly having drinking guest or two and maybe, if the buzz returns, all five at once. It doesn't matter that maybe I shouldn't spend the $14 to buy the wine because that is what will define my weekend and will make it what it is. I will absorb myself in its perfect I-don't-need-a-shower-I-will-sit-here-in-my-pajamas-sipping-wine-and-having-a-nice-Jacuzzi and accept it for what it is. Few perfect weekends such as this arrive so few and far between. How can I not take advantage of its glory?!

Packages like these don't come along every day!

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 1

So, today I thought, "Hey! Maybe you should start this journal about being out of your fucking mind."

It's not often I'll get to write things that are really fun, interesting and insightful about being out of my fucking mind, but sometimes people ask what it's like. I know I've written a synopsis on the Manic Depression page, but what about when it's happening, like right now. It's a true testament to friendship for someone to be able to put up with some sort of psychotic episode. Sometimes they're just dying to get out of you.

Some days, I think you've just been so normal for so long that you explode. I think I'm about to explode or that I am exploding. Either way, it's amazing.

Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend of mine online, Christian, and it just came bursting out of me. I'm not nearly in the same exact state (fewer screwdrivers, cosmos and vodka shots) I was in because now I can keep a thought in my head for longer than fifteen seconds, but it's still hard to keep things in perspective. A bird flies into my window and I have to completely reread this entry from the beginning just to remember what I was going to say next and sometimes, it never comes to me again.

What was strange to me, and has always been, is that I've been pretty good about forewarning my friends about my little episodes somewhere in the beginning of them so as to not freak them out. I've never particularly had too many privelages of just outright losing it on someone without telling them. I've just never had the outright bipolar concept of "I'm gonna kill you, and if I don't kill you I'm gonna kill myself". Don't get me wrong, I have my fleeting moments of it running through my head like a carousel, but I never truly have been able to make those thoughts into a reality or really scare the shit out of someone. I came close twice in my life. Before Columbine, I think I frightened my best friend at that time, Shane, and my teacher, Mrs. Mullins, I believe into thinking I might just start shooting up the whole class. I remember how bizarre that was at the time thinking, "You are so lame. I'm just losing my mind. I'm not going to do anything with that. I just need you to hear what I'm saying and know I mean it." The other circumstance I wish I could have had back because I really would have fucked that bitch up. I figure everyone should live up to the thoughts in their head at least once.

Christian said something particularly interesting that at the moment didn't phase me. He asked what happened to me when I looked into mirrors while I was in that state. Those are just the types of questions he asks and I think it's fucking amazing. It dawned on me as odd that I never really looked in mirrors when I was hypo-manic. I just didn't. I usually just stay in one spot and let my mind have its workout. Unless I can get to a rock show (which just brought up another interesting point just this very second). If I can get in a pit or jump up in down to a good rock band it expels just enough energy to make me level (which brings up another point). Back to mirrors though.... I read something on a site yesterday while looking up articles and bipolar sites that one of the things I found was about building a house for bipolar people. There was something in it about being able to hide all mirrors in the house. Is there something to that? Is there something that I should be trying out right now? Mirrors have always frightened me a bit, but mostly when it's night. Is there something mental about that or do I just happen to not like mirrors and not come across them when I'm all a-flutter.

The rock show concept though..... I just rocked my ass off last weekend to Sunspot. They were here and I swear to God when they play I could be drunk, sober, manic, depressed, happy, sad or oblivious, but when they play Summer Day I turn into a complete ass. I love every minute of it. I was sore for two days. Maybe I just miss the high from that show. Right before I went home and completely fell into this state I was sitting at McFadden's and Violet from Hole came on. I was sitting at the bar alone and an enormous urge came over me to go to a rock show. I was singing along and moving in my seat like I had to get it out of me. Maybe I'm not really manic. Maybe I'm just coming down from a great rock show. Withdrawl can be a very difficult thing, you know.

So, why do people talk to you when they don't know you. I'm not particularly criticizing because I've been known to do it myself. Plus, what fun would life be if you didn't meet new people, but some are just odd. Some days when I see people look at me whether it's because they're attracted or curious or think I'm fat or just because it's a glance, I want to just look at them and point and laugh and say, "I WISH YOU KNEW, MOTHERFUCKER! I WISH YOU KNEW!" The look on their face would last me the whole day and give them something to think about.

I am suffering from some delusion of granduer that makes me say, "This means something!" when in all reality I am probably the only one to think it at all, but I'm posting this anyway. Certain portions will be removed to protect the innocent, but not just that. Sometimes, it's not a matter of protection, but privacy. I don't have many secrets, but I have many private moments. I thought you might like to see how my head works. I know I couldn't remember much of it the next day (not from the alcohol either), so I found it rather entertaining. The funniest part is that I found it all very confusing when at the moment it made sense. After going back through this to edit and all, I realized two things. What a headache I am and how remarkable it will be if Christian ever speaks to me again and that the conversation was much longer than the half hour I was crediting it for. Here it is though, me getting off on my brain with Christian:

[18:48] Jem: Do you have to have insurance in the UK?
[18:48] Christian: Like is it a law?
[18:48] Christian: oh yes indeedy
[18:48] Jem: Oh, bugger.
[18:49] Jem: bullshite
[18:49] Jem: Do you guys have the show King of Queens?
[18:49] Christian: the law on vehicles is the most detailed aspect of the car
[18:49] Jem: Yeah, fuck 'em.
[18:49] Jem: I'm sure you don't.
[18:49] Jem: you'd do well to avoid our traffic cops for long
[18:49] Jem: Still, most of the time, they're like real people to me.
[18:50] Jem: Yeah, fuck those guys.
[18:50] Jem: I'll kick 'em in the head.
[18:50] Christian: not heard of King of Queens
[18:50] Jem: Yeah, it's a kind of stupid American sitcom, but every once in a while I'm like, yeah, that's what marraige is like.
[18:50] Jem: Until they make up.
[18:50] Jem: Then I'm like, fuck you!
[18:51] Christian: still jumpy?
[18:51] Jem: What?
[18:51] Jem: Just fuck cops man.
[18:51] Christian: I mean how's the brain? - just checking
[18:52] Jem: My brain's completely full thank you.
[18:52] Jem: By the way, why is there not enough energy?
[18:53] Christian: there's no shortage here.....
[18:53] Jem: What?
[18:53] Jem: Oh, energy.
[18:53] Jem: Yeah, bullshit.
[18:53] Christian: I even have some gin left if I need to quell it a bit
[18:53] Jem: There's not enough energy anywhere.
[18:53] Jem: I think there's an actual energy shortage.
[18:54] Jem: I wish I were a fan.
[18:54] Jem: That would wear me out for a minut.
[18:54] Jem: minute.
[18:54] Christian: true - but then the things that need it actuallly need replacing with things that can run forever on higher power
[18:54] Jem: minut
[18:54] Jem: tee hee

A few crude comments and private moments later:

[18:58] Jem: I should go. You're going to think I'm fucking nuts.
[18:58] Jem: I just saw the best commercial ever!
[18:58] Jem: I don't even know what it was for, but it was awesome.
[18:59] Christian: they did a brilliant car commercial with a Jimi Hendrix song
[18:59] Jem: It was this dude sitting on the toilet with some other guy looking under the sink and the guy on the toilet says, "You know what? You should think about killing the mold in here."
[18:59] Jem: The guy looks at him and pulls off his toupee and starts scrubbing the wall with it.
[18:59] Jem: it was great.
[19:00] Christian: sounds a bit Laurel & Hardy-ish
[19:00] Jem: Oh, it was better. It was more gansta
[19:00] Jem: gangsta
[19:00] Christian: did you ever see the one where they were put in concrete shoes
[19:00] Jem: waht?
[19:01] Jem: what?
[19:01] Jem: what?
[19:01] Christian: Laurel & Hardy
[19:01] Jem: no
[19:01] Jem: I didn't really see that
[19:01] Jem: laurel and hardy I mean
[19:01] Christian: can't say I've seen them all, but I saw a load when I was a kid
[19:01] Jem: There was a store at the Dayton Mall called Laurel and Hardy's, but they were a flower shop.
[19:01] Jem: I thought it was gay.
[19:01] Jem: Then there was a girl I went to Jesus camp with named Laurel.
[19:02] Jem: I thought her name was gay as well.
[19:02] Jem: Smooth operator.....
[19:02] Jem: smooth operator....
[19:02] Christian: better than being called Jesus Camp though
[19:02] Jem: smooth operator....
[19:02] Jem: Well, it was called Butler Springs Christian Assembly.
[19:02] Jem: Best times of my life.
[19:02] Jem: I wonder if they have a web page. Oh, my. That would be awesome.
[19:03] Christian: that's not too bad - it could have been called Spring's Christian Assembly of Butlers
[19:03] Jem: I got my nickname there actually, which hasnt' been spoken in ages.
[19:03] Christian: or SCAB for short
[19:03] Jem: Awesome, they so.
[19:03] Jem: do
[19:03] Jem: www.butlersprings.com
[19:04] Jem: They have so much more there now. Not that I should be shocked.
[19:04] Jem: I miss those times.
[19:05] Jem: I met some of the best people there ever.
[19:06] Jem: Made out with lots of boys.
[19:06] Christian: you'd maybe like this book I'm foraging through for that paragraph..... there's some brain type escapades in it - you'd probably relate to it somehow
[19:06] Jem: What?
[19:06] Jem: A book.
[19:06] Jem: that's way over the top right now for me
[19:06] Jem: Unless it's like 3 words
[19:07] Christian: I could even have triggered your current bipolar thing by sourcing it, thinking about it
[19:07] Jem: No one triggers it, but me, my dear. No worries.
[19:07] Christian: it's called 'The Unseen' by Guy N. Smith
[19:07] Christian: Chemicals all over the place man!
[19:07] Jem: Yeah, you told me about him.
[19:08] Jem: I should take a typing test now.
[19:08] Christian: find a pic of it online - if the cover's the same you'll get an idea
[19:08] Jem: What?
[19:08] Jem: Oh, of the book.
[19:08] Jem: Okay
[19:08] Jem: Hey, did you ever read House of Leaves?
[19:09] Christian: no - did you ever see the film 'The Medusa Touch'?
[19:09] Jem: No
[19:09] Christian: excellent film
[19:09] Jem: I am totally sending you a copy of this book.
[19:09] Christian: Richard Burton as a person who jinxes stuff
[19:10] Christian: ever hear about the guy who bought a koala bear?
[19:11] Jem: no
[19:11] Christian: he goes to bed and leaves it to roam downstairs
[19:11] Jem: I was just thinking though that it's interesting that I try to forwarn someone when I'm having some sort of psychological episode, but it only seems to enhance it more.
[19:11] Jem: Catch 22
[19:11] Jem: Okay, go on
[19:12] Jem: Trust me, I can have 9 conversations at once right now
[19:13] Christian: when he gets up the next morning, it is gone - the fridge is empty and there's a sticky white mess on carpet
[19:13] Christian: he decides to look up their behaviour to see if he can deduce what happened or how he might find it
[19:14] Christian: opens the encyclopedia and finds it - it reads;
[19:14] Christian: Koala Bear - eats shoots and leaves
[19:15] Jem: Oh, God.
[19:15] Jem: I had to read that like six times
[19:15] Christian: ha ha ha
[19:16] Jem: I need thoughts that come in twenty seconds or less.
[19:16] Christian: it's one of the best that one

And even more nonsense goes on......

[19:16] Jem: You really probably shouldn't be talking to me.

[19:16] Jem: It's dangerous.

[19:17] CHRISTIAN: if you could say it in so many words - what is it like being done to your brain right now?

[19:17] Jem: What?

[19:17] Jem: Physically?

[19:17] Jem: Mentally?

[19:17] CHRISTIAN: what's it like - is it a physical sensation anywhere?

[19:17] Jem: Emotionally?

[19:17] Jem: Well, the physical is mostly from the alcohol

[19:17] CHRISTIAN: is it a rollercoaster ride? - do you have an elevated sense of motion?

[19:18] Jem: Of course!

[19:18] Jem: No, it's just like, everything is awesome

[19:18] CHRISTIAN: describe it like your alongside commentating - like the Oxford & Cambridge Boat Race

[19:18] Jem: It's hard to do.

[19:19] Jem: That would take some more concentration than what I have available right now.

[19:19] CHRISTIAN: pickle a bit off and deliver it slowly in words

[19:19] Jem: Why would I do that.

[19:19] Jem: This is much more grand

[19:19] Jem: I'm sure the cosmos aren't helping, but I can hardly bear to simplify

[19:19] Jem: I feel like going to a rock show.

[19:20] Jem: And moshing and kicking all the guys with tattoos and piercing and all their overdone shit's asses!

[19:20] Jem: I just don't know where to expel energy

[19:20] Jem: The fact that I can even type at all is a miracle.

[19:20] Jem: I'm totally going to do a typing test.

[19:20] CHRISTIAN: well - I know someone who talked about what went on in his brain, or related things he did in his lifetime - sometimes while he talked I was aware of things falling, always white, like dandruff.... it's like he was talking it off your head, it went in sync like that

[19:21] Jem: Naw, fuck that. There's no time for that!

[19:21] Jem: There's just what is in this second.

[19:21] Jem: You know?

[19:21] CHRISTIAN: well - you're actually doing it......

[19:21] Jem: I'm trying to describe and still stay where I am.

[19:22] CHRISTIAN: I just meant the experience, rather than the things it makes you think

[19:22] Jem: Yeah, but the experience is all about what it makes me think

[19:22] Jem: Halfway through a sentence, I'm like, "Should I type that?

[19:22] Jem: Oops, I hit enter anyway

[19:22] CHRISTIAN: if that's pretty much it - I guess I answered my own question - it's a burgeoning sense of awesomeness

[19:23] Jem: okay, typing test. Cra

[19:23] Jem: carp

[19:23] Jem: crap

[19:23] Jem: typing test

[19:23] Jem: brb

[19:23] CHRISTIAN: k

[19:24] Jem: It's just one minute, so I won't be long

[19:24] CHRISTIAN: righto

[19:25] Jem: Crap, that sucked.

[19:25] CHRISTIAN: you mean you romped it?

[19:26] Jem: I just kept fucking up because I didn't know how it worked.

[19:26] Jem: I only got 70 words a minute because I screwed up so much.

[19:26] Jem: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[19:27] CHRISTIAN: how about - you type something - I time you from the beginning of 'Jem is typing' until it arrives - then tot that up for wpm

[19:27] CHRISTIAN: that's some energy you can use up spontaneously and creatively

[19:27] CHRISTIAN: freeform some stuff

[19:28] CHRISTIAN: any words - first things that come into your head

[19:28] Jem: Well, that was a little better.

[19:28] Jem: But not a lot.

[19:28] Jem: What do you want me to type?

[19:28] CHRISTIAN: not necessarily sentences - just ad lib - impromptu

[19:28] Jem: Oh, I'm shit at that

[19:28] CHRISTIAN: literally just pour words out

[19:28] CHRISTIAN: like......:

[19:29] Jem: I'll totally draw a blank

[19:29] Jem: What?

[19:29] Jem: Bitches man, bitches

[19:29] CHRISTIAN: dog fish cat gold money water bucket think form another gone do and swear mother God possibly have fording hover

[19:29] CHRISTIAN: right off the top of your head

[19:30] Jem: Dude, my ass hurts

[19:30] Jem: I'll just end up typing

[19:30] Jem: l;kaj sdl;fjia oeija

[19:30] Jem: wer as;llsaldkjadskf

[19:30] Jem: ha;lksje traeiwojk

[19:30] Jem: ldkfg [aw'0

[19:30] Jem: I'll get too excited.

[19:30] CHRISTIAN: k - well that's discounted from the final score

[19:30] Jem: There is no score.

[19:31] CHRISTIAN: dead easy really

[19:31] CHRISTIAN: there is there's a wpm - and non-words are not counted

[19:31] Jem: Do you know how much concentration it took just to read those three words?

[19:31] Jem: Too much

[19:31] Jem: Non-words could be interesting though

[19:31] CHRISTIAN: ok - we'll do that...... new and interesting words

[19:32] Jem: Having a biploar compete is like saying, "Hey, punch me in the face like 100 times."

[19:32] Jem: You should see what I'm having to type over right now

[19:32] Jem: Its pathetic

[19:32] CHRISTIAN: fongglepparagnif

[19:32] Jem: See, that totally makes sense to me

[19:32] CHRISTIAN: do that then

[19:32] Jem: WHat/

[19:32] Jem: what?

[19:32] Jem: What?

[19:32] Jem: Do what?

[19:32] CHRISTIAN: graxampilllificumpile

[19:33] Jem: What is that?

[19:33] CHRISTIAN: made it up

[19:33] Jem: Wh?

[19:33] Jem: WhY?

[19:33] Jem: Why/

[19:33] CHRISTIAN: go....!

[19:33] Jem: Why?

[19:33] CHRISTIAN: do it

[19:33] Jem: What?

[19:33] Jem: Do what?

[19:33] CHRISTIAN: make some up

More nonsense.....

[19:34] Jem: Am I twelve? Geez, what did I just say?

[19:34] Jem: By the way, don't let me forget that I have to leave in the next 30 minutes.

[19:34] Jem: I might forget.

[19:34] Jem: I can't forget.

[19:34] CHRISTIAN: Jem.......

[19:34] Jem: Truly outrageous!

[19:34] Jem: Truly, truly, truly, truly, truly outrageous.

[19:34] Jem: What?

[19:34] Jem: Did you call?

[19:35] CHRISTIAN: you have to leave in the next thirty minutes

[19:35] CHRISTIAN: don't forget

[19:35] Jem: Yeah, I know.

[19:35] CHRISTIAN: ;)

[19:35] Jem: Just don't let me forget

[19:35] CHRISTIAN: I just reminded you

[19:35] Jem: Yeah, but don't let me forget.

[19:35] CHRISTIAN: haven't you got a computer alarm?

[19:36] Jem: Probably. I'm not figuring that shit out.

[19:36] Jem: That would take too long

[19:36] Jem: I have a phone alarm too and an actual alarm, but I'm not going for that.

[19:36] Jem: It's a conspiracy.

[19:36] CHRISTIAN: useful if you want to set a time and remind yourself

[19:36] CHRISTIAN: so you don't forget

[19:36] Jem: Yeah, but it would take so much time to set up.

[19:37] Jem: Hey, did you read my blog?

[19:37] Jem: Yet?

[19:37] CHRISTIAN: what page is it on?

[19:37] Jem: My Space

[19:37] CHRISTIAN: I saw the new MySpace one

[19:37] Jem: Silly rabbit

[19:37] Jem: I put two up, but the other was a little shorter

[19:37] Jem: Crap, why do I have to go drink with the boys?

[19:38] Jem: I mean, I want to, but then I have to leave typing to you really really fast.

[19:38] CHRISTIAN: because you want to

[19:38] Jem: Good answer.

[19:38] Jem: But still

[19:38] Jem: I updated my page some more today

[19:39] CHRISTIAN: try maybe leaving in fifteen minutes and doing something else too..... An interim period of other stuff

[19:39] CHRISTIAN: not typing - not drinking - something else

[19:39] Jem: What?

[19:39] CHRISTIAN: a handstand

[19:39] Jem: That doesn't even make sense.

[19:39] Jem: If you think I can get this ass over my head, you got a big surprise coming your way.

[19:40] CHRISTIAN: forward rolls

[19:40] Jem: My ass is like one of those that you could set a drink on and follow behind like a coffee table.

[19:40] CHRISTIAN: look out the window and say something

[19:40] Jem: Again, ass over head.

Then some really terribly awesome things were said....

[20:00] Jem: So, did you really want to talk about that book?

[20:00] Jem: Seems as though I have an extra minute or so.

[20:00] CHRISTIAN: I'm just sourcing a paragraph from it

[20:00] CHRISTIAN: but it's not related to the possible affinity you could have with it

[20:01] CHRISTIAN: it's about someone who is pulled from the brink of death after an accident

[20:02] CHRISTIAN: there's a point in the hospital where they're choosing who to save - they can only save one life with what they have

[20:02] CHRISTIAN: and they have two potential fatalities

[20:02] CHRISTIAN: they bring back the guy people would generally say is the best of the two - a banker

[20:03] CHRISTIAN: the other guy is shot up or something from a confrontation with the police

[20:03] CHRISTIAN: so they leave him for dead

[20:04] CHRISTIAN: but his own fight for life - not the effort of the doctors - means he clambers 'in limbo' into the body of the banker - the banker wakes up as two people

[20:05] CHRISTIAN: thought you might draw parallels with it

[20:06] Jem: So, you're thinking this is more like split personality then?

[20:06] Jem: I mean, sometimes, I'm not getting pissy. Just curious as to what you think it's like.

[20:06] CHRISTIAN: no - it touches upon the very real sense of being just one person

[20:07] CHRISTIAN: everyone else would see it as a distinct difference if they saw both sides to it

[20:08] CHRISTIAN: his dog can sense it - growls at him and hides

[20:08] CHRISTIAN: he gets really rough with his wife, she notices that right away

[20:09] CHRISTIAN: you'd probably find a similarity in a way I couldn't figure though - and know a deeper meaning to it that I haven't discovered in my unipolarity

[20:10] Jem: You think you're so unipolar, eh?

[20:10] CHRISTIAN: I think I'm all of everything

[20:11] CHRISTIAN: but mainly concentrated in this one physical body here - using it's senses, getting around in it

[20:11] Jem: That's not what Im' saying at all.

[20:11] CHRISTIAN: I believe in cause and effect

[20:11] Jem: Of course it's all confined in one place.

[20:11] Jem: Sometimes though, it just spills the fuck over.

[20:12] CHRISTIAN: I put a kettle on though - and it uses electricity

[20:12] CHRISTIAN: it's not just me making a drink

[20:12] Jem: Hm?

[20:12] CHRISTIAN: someone makes electric - someone runs water to your house

[20:12] Jem: Well, some"one" doesnt' make electicity, it already exists.

[20:13] Jem: Water was here before anyone even knew about electricity.

[20:13] Jem: And a shit load of it.

[20:13] CHRISTIAN: boiling a kettle of water involves a lot more than just me on my own

[20:13] Jem: Well, yes, but still. It's not just you or a human or God or anyone thing either.

[20:13] CHRISTIAN: yeah - you're talking about the kind of water I have to find a stream and a means to carry water back from

[20:13] Jem: It all boils down to that is what you decided to do with the resources you were given.

[20:13] CHRISTIAN: then it involves only me

[20:14] Jem: Sometimes, just boiling water involves so many things to think about that your brain can't take it and it just cums out like a rocket, knowing there's more to it, but not particulaly caring why.

[20:14] CHRISTIAN: the electric and water utilities are other matter - other people and the cause and effect on that scale is appreciated as involving other lifeforms

[20:15] Jem: People don't cause water and electicity though

[20:15] Jem: They may provide it to you, but they have nothing to do with it.

[20:15] Jem: It seems a shame to have to pay for it.

[20:15] Jem: No one owns it.

[20:15] CHRISTIAN: going to a stream on my own is the same thing - and I'll will ingest the water and so have that connection in a 'part of everything' way

[20:16] Jem: You should come here. I would take you to the most amazing place to get what I'm saying.

[20:16] CHRISTIAN: but to have fresh water delivered to your house with a running tap for as much as you want when you want it - that's a feat of engineering and coordination

[20:16] Jem: And that would be the only purpose.

[20:16] CHRISTIAN: it is contrived - and they're in business because someone uses it

[20:17] CHRISTIAN: in essence - I'm part of everything

[20:17] Jem: Well, yes.

[20:17] Jem: Silly

[20:17] CHRISTIAN: that's the everything without any other thing to consider

[20:17] CHRISTIAN: there's no 'outside the box' - I mean absolutely everything

[20:17] Jem: Which is always good

[20:18] Jem: As is

[20:18] Jem: My two favorite words togethre

[20:18] Jem: together

[20:18] CHRISTIAN: yes - the 'U' of Hilton's law

[20:18] CHRISTIAN: U=everything

[20:18] CHRISTIAN: M=stuff

[20:18] CHRISTIAN: V=space

[20:19] Jem: Do you know the three best words together though?

[20:19] CHRISTIAN: everything is stuff in space

[20:19] Jem: That is the real question.

[20:19] CHRISTIAN: three best words

[20:19] Jem: yes

[20:19] Jem: Any clues?

[20:19] CHRISTIAN: knew it was that

[20:19] CHRISTIAN: just the one you gave me

[20:20] CHRISTIAN: the answer's always in the question

[20:20] Jem: Not entirely

[20:20] CHRISTIAN: but.... then the question cannot be asked

[20:20] Jem: Unless it's entirely vague

[20:20] Jem: Which most of my questions are

[20:20] Jem: ;)

[20:21] Jem: There's "as is" and then there's "come what may"

[20:21] Jem: The two best phrases in the English language>

[20:21] Jem: .

[20:21] CHRISTIAN: we're polishing up "innit" at the moment

[20:22] Jem: It's such a pity I have to run, but .....

[20:22] Jem: come what ma

[20:22] Jem: may

[20:22] Jem: I must be off

[20:22] Jem: Fetching boys to get schnockered with.

[20:22] CHRISTIAN: ke sara innit? "Come what may"

[20:22] Jem: I hope you've had a good time though. ;)

[20:23] CHRISTIAN: I'll be on my lonesome thinking of you

[20:23] Jem: There comes a day when you wonder why it's so hard to leave an electronic machine.

[20:23] CHRISTIAN: because there's a woman in it?

[20:23] Jem: Well, not particularly for me.

[20:24] CHRISTIAN: it's a step up from a hamster at any rate

[20:24] Jem: Well, um, thanks?

[20:24] Jem: Uh, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said?

[20:24] Jem: Or something?

[20:24] CHRISTIAN: now I haven't got a hamster to say "don't be cheeky" to

[20:25] Jem: Would you really say that to me though?

[20:25] CHRISTIAN: depends on whether you were stuffing your mouth full of food

[20:25] CHRISTIAN: (a hamster joke)

[20:26] Jem: Well, my cheeks are quite puffy.

[20:26] Jem: Or my puffs are quite cheeky.

[20:28] CHRISTIAN: me and you are probably well matched for saying things like that

[20:28] CHRISTIAN: cos I'm an absolute guerilla at it

[20:28] Jem: I thought you'd like it.

[20:28] Jem: Yes, you are the king

[20:29] Jem: You know, you are the most interesting person I've talked to in the last five minutes.

[20:30] CHRISTIAN: sheesh - I hardly said anything the last five minutes - what's wrong?

[20:30] CHRISTIAN: and then we discussed utilites in that time.....

[20:31] Jem: Nothing's wrong, m'dear. I just think it's sad when people don't say things like, "You've really been a fucking amazing person to know," or "You've really made me smile" or anyting else that could matter.

[20:31] Jem: I think people should just say when time spent has been important .

[20:31] CHRISTIAN: I getcha ;)

[20:31] Jem: And I'm just not good at that sort of thing.

[20:32] CHRISTIAN: You're like next generation of best things since sliced bread....

[20:32] CHRISTIAN: best thing's daughter I guess

[20:33] Jem: I hate to cut things off, but I really must go. I just didn't particularly want to go one more day without saying something embarrisingly cheesy.

[20:33] Jem: It's unnecessary.

[20:33] Jem: All things are too short, not just life.

[20:33] CHRISTIAN: no worries - enjoy your bevvies

[20:33] Jem: I certainly will.

[20:33] Jem: You as well.