Well, I was just thinking about how the dreary morning was an abosulte buzz kill when the sun started coming out again. I felt a little better and back to normal. I thought though, "How can I feel back to normal." There is something inside us that says that this is the way you're supposed to feel, or this way suck, or this way is amazing yet not quite normal. It would seem we all have a sense of "normalcy" ingraned into our system much like the natural compulsion to do right and wrong. I don't enjoy being "normal" though. In some ways, I enjoy being depressed more than being "normal" because at least that is entertaining on some level. It means something is happening. How lovely it would be to get my high back though, but I don't control it in such ways.
Is manic depression, although not a choice, something that is an addiction? So many of us on medication and off medication, changing medication and sometimes just accepting our brain for what it is and trying to cope. The reason we self-medicate with alcohol or drugs is not because we love alcohol or drugs, but because we need to experience our high or low again. Just to feel something like that. Something other than normal. People need to break down that component of normal into something other than what it is, which is quite frankly telling me that normal is just completely uninteresting.
Today I went to the post office to ship a package to Christian. The fee was outrageous, but I had to ship it. Everyone condemns the hypo-manic for their overspending, but I don't particularly plan on leaving things in this world behind. It's not so much that we want to spend money and spend money and spend money (well, at least not for me), but the effect of spending it seems overwhelming. You can't bear to not have the reaction you get from the money spent. I know that the package I put together is a very good one and that Christian will like what is inside and I want to make that happen and I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Even give up my lunch for the day.
The reaction I get from buying books and CD's is the same. I want to experience the song or the story and feel the way I do when I'm in those moments. It doesn't particularly matter how I get there, I just have to experience it. Even going to my weekly lunches at McFadden's I know is worth it because of the delectable taste of cheese sticks, chicken fingers, slider, chips or fries will be so fantastic that it doesn't matter what it cost me as long as I can taste the food and revel in it perfection.
I will go to the store today and buy two bottles of the finest $7 wine you can find and spend the weekend sitting on the couch on my computer working, chatting with Christian, watching movies or working on my novel, possibly having drinking guest or two and maybe, if the buzz returns, all five at once. It doesn't matter that maybe I shouldn't spend the $14 to buy the wine because that is what will define my weekend and will make it what it is. I will absorb myself in its perfect I-don't-need-a-shower-I-will-sit-here-in-my-pajamas-sipping-wine-and-having-a-nice-Jacuzzi and accept it for what it is. Few perfect weekends such as this arrive so few and far between. How can I not take advantage of its glory?!
Packages like these don't come along every day!
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