My Bipolar Journal - Episode 51

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 51

April 17, 2007

I'm 30 today. Funny that.

So, I'm very disappointed in myself lately. I've forgotten one of the rules of dating a musician. What is this rule you ask? Let me explain some things first. I only date musicians because they're the only ones who are generally open to an open relationship and are the only ones who can understand me being on the road all the time (or my lack of now that my beautiful Sportage has been totaled and left in the state of Tennessee). I'm not bitching either. I'm merely stating a fact. I'm glad that things have turned out good for everyone else. I really am. My roommate asked yesterday asked why I always put myself last on the totem pole and always think of everyone else first as if I shouldn't be glad that people chose to be honest with me rather than going on and on making me believe something that is simply not true. Not that I'm any less disappointed, not that I'm any less depressed and not that I don't feel like my insides are dying, but none of that truly matters if everyone else is happy. Asking me why I put everyone else before myself is actually a compliment. It may not be the way everyone chooses to do things in their life, but it's my way.

I simply thought, there are a lot of chicks on here who simply don't understand the things you need to know when you take up with a musician. Actually on my way down to Chattanooga I was already coming up with the cardinal rules in my own head (prior to car demolition). Obviously, even I forget them at times. That's okay. Sometimes I'm a dumbass. Sometimes we're all dumbasses.

Agree or disagree these are the rules:

Rule #1: Realize that your perspective other will be gone a lot. This is what makes them happy. This is why they chose to be musicians. If they are true musicians and not musician wanna-be's then they are only truly happy doing what they love. You should be supportive of that or it will harbor much anxiety on both parts. It's really better if you have a job where you can be on the road a lot as well, then it's not as hard to be apart or so hard for you to understand when they are gone.

Rule #2: Always, always, always remember that your perspective other is single when you are at a show with them. It is part of how they maintain their elusive ambiance and help make money so they can buy you things or help support you. If you have an honest relationship then you'll know where you stand regardless of who he's putting his arm around at a show.

Rule #3: Musicians are dramatic and in need of affection as a general rule. They are not ones to be kept to one person physically. It's just the way it goes. Most completely separate the physical act from the relationship, so sometimes, they might get some on the road. It doesn't necessarily mean anything as long as they can be honest with you about it. If they're big fucking liars or feel like they have to be then you have a shitty relationship.

Rule #4: Of course, they have beautiful things to say to you. They're musicians. They write beautiful things to say all the time. Sometimes they're just looking to get laid. Decide if you can live with that and then fuck or suck.

Rule #5: Always, always, always remember that sometimes you're just Cincinnati (or perspective hometown) Pussy or Dick. No matter how special they make you feel (see Rule 4) they're probably not that into you as a Human. It doesn't mean you're a bad lay or a bad person. It's just the way things go. However they will say or do anything most times to make sure that you think your special to ensure that next time they are in town they can bag you. Just let them know up front that your ok with the fucking or sucking. Getting your emotions involved is very, very, very bad.

I was going to post this prior to this weekend, so no one take anything I say to personally. I know where I stand in the scheme of things because I'm an honest person and only deal with honest people. If I thought you were some sort of slut or bastard, you would know it by now.

More irony? You want more? My ex told me yesterday that "We were done!". I left him a year ago in October. Um, yeah, "Get the net! We broke up!". It's lead to a series of hillareous text messages and phone calls that I can't believe aren't funny to him as well, but at least I will finally be getting this divorce done on paper. No, I don't believe in divorce, but sometimes shit happens.

One thing that has me upset right now is that I'm afraid for those that I love that are going through the fairy tale, conditioned image that they should get married and make babies. It hurts my heart because there's no way to explain or get through someone's head that they don't want this. They just have to go through the same horrifying bullshit I'm going through before they will learn their lesson. I too was once the girl who said, "Well, if I get married I'm staying married. I don't even believe in divorce." I still don't. Explain that one. I guess I shouldn't have believed in marriage. I believe in it now, but only if the relationship is completely alien and unexplainable. I believe because someone taught me that, but there's only one person who can teach you that is the sad part. I don't want it, but it's like I have to have it. Only with one though. It wasn't the one I picked. It was the one I couldn't not pick (yes, it's a double negative, quit hyper-ventilating) even when I tried not to pick him.

Regardless, the rules were forgotten, things happened that were uncontrollable and it's ok. At least I know that it's real now. Besides the dating musicians rules I forgot the one cardinal rule of all times. The rule that defines me as a non-Human Being:

ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS say exactly what you mean the moment you want to say it exactly the way you want to say it as soon as you mean it.

You lose too much when you don't.

No ill will to any of you, loves. Just me and my big mouth and a need to exert my faux wisdom on the masses. Maybe all this writing is just to get things out of my system.