My Bipolar Journal – Episode 55
April 30, 2007
So, to round out my perfect, well.... what's turning into life more than weeks or months....
I'm stuck in Knoxville making people miserable. People that are as happy as I was about a month ago. I knew that hanging out here for one more weekend would be the death of me, but I didn't have a choice. My car is in butt-fucking Chattanooga and I didn't have much else of a choice. Instead I've been rewarded the "fat cunt, if I see you I'll punch your teeth down your throat" award. And why did I win this award? Because I've just been around too much. I didn't do anything. I didn't even want to be here. I want to be on my couch with the person I love sitting and touching and just being in each other's presence, but that's not possible either. I have no goals or anything. Everything I figured out I wanted isn't possible.
To top it all off I can't keep my mouth shut. I want to tell someone all sorts of things, but the more I talk, the more annoying I get. The longer I don't know what's going, the more I talk.
I'm completely out of my comfort zone. I quickly accustomed myself to being happy and satisfied and knowing that I could get things done. I felt that way because of what I had and now what I had is gone. I don't know how to get it back and I pretty much don't even want to. If one more person tells me it will be okay or that things will sort out or that I won't always feel like this I'm going to shoot myself between the eyes. I don't want to have good things if I can't have the only thing I ever needed.
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