My Bipolar Journal - Episode 53

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 53

April 21, 2007

So, apparently I'm once again prey to the fact that no one seems to be able to tell me what I'm doing wrong again. Which is not fair because I always try to be honest. Apparently, honesty is still not appreciated even now in the 21st century (it is the 21st century still isn't it). Apparently my number one rule of saying everything I mean and exactly what I mean exactly when I want to say it isn't working out so well. I can't be less than me though. What sucks is that instead of people saying exactly what they mean to you, they punish you.... most of the time quite severely, rather than taking the time to explain that something you're doing is hurting them or bothering them.

I've been told I'm quite emo lately. People don't take the time to figure out how other people operate anymore and it's a damned shame. When I'm feeling something, truly and deeply I talk about it to annoy myself out of it. I want people to know that I recognize that I'm a bit out of control and that I'm working on it. Apparently that is somehow uncalled for business. I spend a lot of time taking mental notes of each person in my life I care about so that I know what it takes to keep them happy. The problem is that I'm the only one ever doing it. It's just in my nature though. I really would make a good stalker if I weren't so damned lazy.

I hate it when I'm finally ready to tell someone how I feel about something and then there's this big comparison of how I shouldn't feel so bad because something out there in this world is worse. Of course there is! I'm not retarded! Just because there are starving people in this world or your mom died when you were five or someone is being raped, killed or murdered means I can't be sad about anything somehow. I'm glad that some people are so sensitive to those subjects. I can be as well, but if that's all I had time to think of I'd be a fuckload more emo than I am right now. I hate it when people try to prove how much worse their life is than mine. Let me tell you right now. If you think it is, then it is. You win. I'm STILL angry, depressed and slightly bitter. Why am I not allowed to feel that when I let you all feel it so loudly. Why can't I be weak every once in a while? Why can't I cry? You know why? Because all you crazy bitches cry about everything. "My boyfriend kissed another boy, my shoe lace is untied, I think he's cheating on me so I'm going to make up some big story just to be upset with him, my vagina is sore, I think I'm pregnant, no I mean I just miscarried because I was never pregnant in the first place...." the list goes on. Why don't you ALL just run out of the club crying and NEVER... COME... BACK!!!!!!!

I'm supposed to be the depressed one right now and more and more I'm beginning to realize that only one person gets that and it's not the person I thought it was. Why is it that the people who should understand the crazies the most are the last to understand me? For twice in my life I found two people who I thought could handle it because they have to handle it every day. One was a best friend and the other, well, was more than a best friend. It's odd though because at the first sign that something is wrong with me they run away and hurt me.... only... just for the record boys.... making me more crazy. Guys say they don't want a girly girl, but the second they find out what not being a girly girl means (for an example click here) they run straight to a girly girl and fuck her instead and suddenly fucking gets this label of "meaning something" because they feel as though they've been railroaded by someone they thought was what they wanted.

Let me help you all out in advance. I am not what you want. You want blonde girls who cry and run out of bars and fake pregnancies and get mad at you for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I'm sorry I can't be like that, but I find it insulting to the Humans that those types of girls even exist and the fact that you date outside your species is just fucking annoying. When you date and fuck outside your species you make a half Humans which leads to more insanity and more girls that will grow up to learn to cry and run out of bars and fake pregnancies and get mad at you for absolutely no reason whatever. It pisses me off even though it's not my problem. Actually, it is sort of my problem because then when something actually goes wrong it's suddenly obnoxious to everyone else because for some reason I've never been allowed to have real problems. My youth minister once said to one of my friends when I was younger that I wasn't crying because my grandpa died, I was crying for attention and because I was crazy. Craig, shit. Craig something. Craig you were such a piece of shit I'd love to post your name here, but you're not important enough for me to remember anyway. Thanks for making so many of our lives miserable. At least you kept one little miniature Craig to go on and carry the name of people who are bullshit.

So today I'm supposed to be having this big party and I've had a really really really bad week. The worst I've ever had. I don't feel like partying. I don't feel like doing most of the things I normally crave, so I thought having friends here would help get me ready. That I would be helped because that's what friends are supposed to do. Instead everyone gets all upset and I spend my hell trying to cheer everyone else up because.... why are they upset? Because I'm upset! Fuck this noise.