My Bipolar Journal - Episode 102

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 102

August 30, 2007

So, seriously.... for Chris... My Space truly is the best form of wacking yourself off and other people to watch. It is both "S" and "M".

I'm annoyed. I don't exactly know why, but here it is nonetheless. I'm annoyed by, well, not just lying, but lying to the point of actual insanity. To the point that there is no other reason to lie except to try desperately to make yourself more interesting... or get laid. Here's some news... you don't have to be that interesting to get laid. It's just the fact of the matter. I never truly want to hate anyone because it means that you have to care so much to even hate someone, but I am so sick of someone purely because they allowed me to care about them and I still love them and will not stop loving them, even though they've done some of the most selfish, cock-sucking, assholish bullshit that I've ever experienced in all of Humanity. I used to think that this person shared my opinion, but I really don't think that even the people in his life are real or anything that he's said pretty much ever. I still love him though. I really don't hate him for it. I hate myself for falling for it.... but I wish I could stop loving him. I don't at the same time.

Part of this admission of his guilt (which I think he is incapable of as well) has to do with the fact that he just doesn't want me. It's not that big of a fucking deal. I started out not wanting to want him either, but he worked so fucking hard to make me want him. What is the point of that? I WOULD HAVE FUCKED YOU ANYWAY!!!!!!!

What bullshit. I'm so angry and I'm more angry with myself for falling for it. I finally find out what I want in this world, someone convinces me otherwise and they completely mess with me.... ON PURPOSE!!!!!!!

God I love him though. Loving someone... knowing someone isn't knowing that the stories they tell are true. If you know someone, you really know them. I sort of knew these things all along, but I let him allow me to believe otherwise. I want to hate, I want to not let him know he got to me, but just like telling someone I love them, I can't allow myself to not let them know that I'm angry and upset and hurt and fucking confused. I know they don't even care. I know that even the person their lying to me about probably barely exists in life, let alone this world, so fuck that.

Now I'm getting really upset and this is not the time or place, but I can't control how or when my emotions will overtake me and it makes me angry. This person says I can when really, I just think he can probably because he's never truly felt a real thing in his life.

I'm overexaggerating because I'm truly, really, honestly and wholly upset. As truly, really, honestly and wholly as I was in love. I want to regret something for the first time in my life, but I'm fighting it because I know how stupid that is.

I wish I were strong enough to not feel things, but I guess I'm not. Most days I'm proud of that. Other days I just want to cause pain. How do you cause pain to someone who doesn't seem to actually feel though? How do you recover from true and actual love from someone who has never felt it a day in his life, but had completely convinced you he had. How do you know for sure and why should or would any of us care to know. Facts are facts, emotions are emotions. Sometimes, when you put them together they both suck. Sometimes I'm more proud of it than anything else I've ever known.

I have to stop now or I'll never, ever stop.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 101

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 101

August 25, 2007

So, another example of Humankind walked into my bar yesterday. About a dozen or so P&Ger's came in to get hammered and complain about their lives. It was an interesting scenario though. Usually at home I see these Humans complaining about their jobs and at their jobs I see them complaining about their families. This opened up a whole new ideal system because we were neither here nor there, so the complaining was about all of it. There was the girl that asked stupid questions to the lesbian couple about being lesbians, the girl that thought she could make me feel bad about myself because I wasn't wearing a bra, the girl whose every story was bout "the time she was sooooo drunk" and the guy that (although they were both married) was trying to get in her pants.

I did get to hear that infamous, honest conversation that most of my friends have had with me. "Neither my wife or I planned to have kids, at least not right then.... but it happened... now I'm three kids in and it's great, but if I had to do it again...." Humans are such an interesting species. An entire planet full of people who are making decision based on things they are told are natural and should be done. Like if you haven't been married or had kids or found that perfect job behind a desk that somehow your life has not yet reached some pinnacle. It's my infamous answer to "the easy way out". If you think I could not go out and do these things, you are mentally retarded. I proved two out of three of those things. I don't think I can have kids, but even if I couldn't, I could adopt. Life would be so much "simpler". Right? I could be one of those people, but who wants to complain all the time? No one would judge me for choosing my life behind a bar, music and all the people I love in the scene behind it.

I like my life. I like my job. I can barely even call it a job. I love that Monday I will be driving to Nashville to meet people I would not have the fortune of knowing if it weren't for me enduring the struggle I had to go through to get to the point that I'm now at. Is my life perfect? Not by any stretch. If it were, I would die. There would be nothing else to achieve if life were perfect so why bother with trying to find the perfect life? You know what? I do have the perfect life because of it's imperfections and struggles. My friendships are perfect because we fight and argue and make misconceptions about each other, but love wins out over all every single time and true love means that you love that person enough to call them out and tell them you think they're making mistakes. If they still choose to make those mistakes, then that is something that you can't control, but is it better to call someone out and watch them go through something horrible or sit silently by and pretend to be happy and support the decision. Not supporting a decision is not the same as not supporting a person.

A true friend, whom I've always known was true, somehow even became more genuine to me yesterday and made me realize maybe I was wrong about Episode 87. I hope I am. I'm so glad to know that there are people who get that... who get me and will call out my imperfections and forgive me for them unconditionally. This person is a commonly over-looked and misunderstood person, much like myself. I love that about him. I love that he went the extra mile to cheer me up. A person who is commonly not known for going the extra mile for someone like me.

Receiving some of the worst news in the universe and fighting with someone making a decision I cannot support almost makes it worth it when it brings out a friendship that you truly were unsure about and brings you around to the land of Sure (yes, I know, confident, confident, dry and secure). It makes the bad things you said to someone else somehow more justified, more honest and makes you feel as though you made the right decision by saying the things you said.... because someone out there knows you're worth it. Everyone should take a moment to just send a quick message to person who makes you know that you're worth it and say it. EVERYONE! If I could challenge people to one thing it would be to text, write or send that message to the one person who lifted you up when you were down and say those three words, "You're worth it". If they ask, "Worth what?".... the answer should be obvious. Everything. They're worth everything.

Everyone here (even the bands I've never met on these pages)... you are all worth it. If I knew you for five minutes or a few hours.... you were worth those moments. I'm in love with you all for one reason or another and that is ALL so much better than finding one person to share legalities with for the rest of your existence.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 100

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 100

August 24, 2007

So, once again I've had to say goodbye to people who are more important to me than a pitcher of cold sangria on a hot day. I think I'm okay with it. I'll probably discover I'm not though. The thing is, I saw this coming for quite some time. The good news is that I got to have the conversation I was waiting for. The bad news is that the conversation went pretty much 100% exactly as I expected it to. Good news: a new lesson learned. Why does it always suck learning a new lesson though? Why are all lessons hard and painful? I know this is very emo of me, but why can't people just die and not give you the option of being rejected and used? Why can't they all just leave us in a sad state of discontent, but leave us feeling that we were at least loved a little.

Why do people just not say what they mean exactly when they want to say it exactly the way they want to say it? Why can't people just hurt each other and then work on it, then forgive each other and get over it? Instead there's this series of games and proper wording. Trying not to hurt each other even when we're hurt. Even I'm playing the game because I'm afraid to let go. It's time to let go.

I am done not following my instincts, but I'm not done following my heart.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 99

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 99

August 23, 2007

Gawd! I am so annoyed! I'm so annoyed with people saying, "If there's anything I can do" and not meaning it. Especially when it's something as lame as a couple of sentences. I'm tired of knowing that I've asked this person over and over again to just say a couple of sentences and them not taking the time to do it because they're afraid I'll freak out or not do what I said I would do or whatever the hell it is that they think it is. You know what's making me freak out? THIS!!!!!! NO RESPONSE!!!!! THIS IS WHAT'S MAKING ME FREAK OUT!!!!

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 98

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 98

August 22, 2007

It so weird how such few words could make someone feel better. It's even weirder when someone won't give them to you. It's weird how life can suck and be so amazing at the same time. It's even weirder when people say they don't believe in not doing something and then can't even spit out word or have a five minute conversation to make someone else's life easier.

I believe because we're all scared of something that it makes it that much harder. Maybe we're afraid we're wrong or, worse yet, that we're right. Admitting that would be worse than ingesting a stomach of scorpions even when we know that's all it would take to make someone else's life that much better.

I can't truly believe that I'm upset over something so trivial. I can't believe it's turned me into such a girl and pushed me into another bout of depression so bad that all of my stupid moronic nightmares have returned and I think things that I know better than to think.

I know I'm better than this. I can't seem to do what I say either though.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 97

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 97

August 14, 2007

So, this is more of a funny story than insight... maybe.

I got into the shower today to get ready to go out and buy the new Mae album and see if I could once and for all find the new Silverchair album (successful mission by the way). I have a window in my bathroom and I leave the window cracked when I shower. My window faces busy Montgomery Rd. I look across the street at the garage and my car is parked there. That is not a normal parking spot for my car. I pay for a spot behind my building, but there's my car across the street. I immediately feel dirtier and can't do anything because I'm wet and naked, so I hurry through my shower, get into my clothes, jump into my crappy plastic shoes and run down the stairs fuming. I nearly run across the street, but decide to check my parking lot first. My car was still sitting there. I kid you not, the same exact car, in the same exact color with the same exact 3 letters at the beginning of the license plate was sitting right across the street. The only difference was the last four digits of the license plate. I ran back and forth a few times to make sure I wasn't completely insane and finally went back upstairs, grabbed a bunch of stickers and plastered them on my car.

The end.

Yeah, it was probably only weird to me, but weird nonetheless.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 96

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 96

August 14, 2007

I feel redeemed. I hope all of us can at least for a day or so.

By September, I will no longer be tied to the bonds of legality. I love that.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 95

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 95

August 13, 2007

Just when I thought that you'd be on my side

But I realize that I'm in no hurry

It's too much to worry

You've left me waiting all of this time

-Eva Adalai

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 93

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 93

August 10, 2007

So, things are still kind of under my skin. I don't understand why some friends are so there... only when they choose to be. Especially the ones who claim that they would do anything or be there anytime for anyone..... when it fits their schedule. I know my friends have other things going on, but they always know that I mean it. That I will find a way to be there no matter what. Does that make me better than them? Yes. I'm kidding, of course, but I don't understand what is so hard about it? Be the same person to me in person that you are when you're away. Why is it so hard? No seriously, I'm asking. ANSWER ME PEOPLE!!!!!

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 92

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 92

August 9, 2007

First of all, I hate people that say things are too much information. Nothing is too much information if you want to share it. It's all about the comfortability you have with yourself and the comfortability other people have with themselves. Fuck this "TMI" bullshit. Fuck it when people look at you strangely when you say something a bit out of the ordinary. If nothing else, it returns people to life and the fact with it being real, no matter how uncomfortable one of the two of you may be with the conversation at hand.

Second of all, I'm sitting here feeling all weepy and crying and bullshit and I can't even decide if I'm happy or sad or excited or need someone or something to happen. Something sort of wonderful happened to me yesterday in a way that even the person who helped me experience could not possibly know how amazing it was. I think having so little happen today is just kind of a let down. So, I've decided that it's probably that I'm starting my period tomorrow and that I should just feel whatever it is. I'll cry and not care if it's a happy or sad cry. I'm just going to accept it. In the end it's all part of being somewhat Human, or at least stuck in this Human mindframe sometimes.

Third of all, everyone needs to read this listening to my friend Rebekka of Eva Adalia. Whether she ever reads this or not I have to say that she has single-handedly wrote some of the most amazing music I have ever truly just felt. I absolutely command that if you are ballzy enough to read the innermost thoughts of any one person as you have so chosen to do by reading these blogs that you certainly have enough balls to open up this page and feel everything this girl has wrote. If you need more, check out her previous project Evelyn Red. If I could seriously just fuck some music, this is the music I would fuck. Not fuck to (although I'm not beyond such things), but just plain old fuck. In fact, I command anyone ballsy enough to read these blogs that you always open up an Eva Adalia or Evelyn Red song and mind fuck the hell out of it. I am mortifyingly ashamed that I have not introduced more people to this music and plan to correct such matter. Fear not Rebekka my dear. People shall know of this music and make it their own.

In the meantime, if you have not already pressed play, do it.... do it now.

The other day we said goodbye to our fellow music lover and whipping machine, Liz Vesper. It's not forever, in fact, in the scheme of the extent of most of my friendships, it's barely a minute. However, before the show, with just a few of us hanging out, she said something that has had me thinking for three days now. She said, "I've been really sad and depressed the past few days, so I've just been going through your bipolar journals and reading them." I said it then and I'll say it now, I'm not sure how to take that. I'm sure I'm thinking too much on it. I know what I'd like it to mean, but that's not necessarily how she meant it. I'm not sure how she meant it and since I know she reads this.... I don't think I want to. Part of me wants this to be a place where people can go and read the things they don't want to say. Part of me wants to be a bipolar attention freak. Part of me wants to hope that it doesn't depress people more, and more of me wants people to find a place where they can find things they can relate to, no holds barred. I'm not a too much information girl. I never will be. I can't be and not be exactly who I am all the time and that's the number one rule in my life as any of you who have taken the time to read this know completely and wholly. I like to think that other people will be able to walk up to me and feel more of a level of comfort because if I can say anything, maybe they'll feel like they can too. This world is so handcuffed and chained to the fact that we can't truly be who we are all the time and it's actually heart-breaking to me. Maybe that's why I cry. Maybe it's my period, but at least I'm crying and feeling something and it makes me evaluate who I am and why am the way that I am because although I'm not disappointed with who I am, I think we should always be questioning who we are and keeping ourselves in check.

Do I think I'm some kind of hero? Hell no. Do I want to be? Fuck it! Hell yes I do! I want to be a mother-fucking hero! I want to save people from themselves. I want them to maybe see that you can be honest and still survive. I want the skeptics to sit back and at least think about the lives they've picked for themselves and make sure that it is absolutely the life they want to live. Even if you believe that there is more than one life, just consider that this might be it. Someday you're not even going to be thinking about August 9 and how it was 60% humid and 94 degrees outside. You're going to be thinking about the decisions you made and asking yourself if they were the right ones, so why not think on it now and make sure you're making the right ones. And while I'm putting in the request for super powers I would also like to be able to fly and shoot missles out my boobs and bullets out my ass!

The Cycle
Evelyn Red

Set me on fire by the sun
Cause I'm halfway to the
Home of what's become
Better off
But I'm a world away from a final severance

Take the deal that has come
Cause it's the last destructive sense that keeps me strong
Holding on

For this half lived system of
Conscious lateral thinking
That decides for my self
It annuls my struggle for attempting
To find a new beginning

Plan my time for assault,
Every second rushing by that leaves me cold
As I resolve
To this half lived system of

Conscious lateral thinking
That decides for myself
It annuls my struggle for attempting
To find a new beginning

Say ive been wrong
For the cycle spins and
The dead begin to surface again
Say ive been wrong
I wrote the riddles,
Inside they'll find my last defense
Break the system that keeps me thinking that ive lost control again

They held my sentencing to decide one time
To prove the worst of me
Is it right
To accept defeat?
Though ive tried still it hurts to breathe
Does it render me unworthy to be free?

For Every minute it tells me that it was not enough
For every second I promised that I would hold my tongue
I disrupted the only thing that was good enough
This lateral thinking couldn't begin to hold me up

(The cycle spins and the
Dead begin to
Surface again its
The point where I cant go back)

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 91

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 91

August 9, 2007

So, yeah, pretty good night. As long as Felixx isn't dead, it was a super good night. That's all you need to know.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 90

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 90

August 5, 2007

You said "I'm so emo it hurts"
So why don't you pick
Something else to be
Maybe it's just that you like it that way
I can't blame you
It's why I picked you

Sure you make me sad
Sure you make me blue
Sure you make me angry
With the selfish things you do
But when you make me happy
You make me super happy
Cuz the things that make me love you
Are the things that make me wanna stab you

You said, "Life's unfair I wanna die"
So why don't you pick another life
Don't forget about it too long
Cause its most of those things
That make my heart sing

Sure you make me hurt
Sure you make me cry
Sure you make me hit things
And make me wanna die
But when you make me happy
You make me uber happy
Cuz the things that make me love you
Are the things that make me wanna stab you

I took your photograph
That always makes me smile
And burned the eyes and framed it
I'll call it art when I'm not mad after a while

Sure you fill my heart with joy
Sure you fill my life with meaning
Sure you fill my soul with purpose
And keep this rare smile beaming
But when you make me mad
You make me uber super mad
Cuz the things that make me love you
Are the things that make me wanna stab you

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 89

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 89

August 5, 2007

So, I just returned from life on the road. It's so awesome seeing new places and spending time with me boys (and gals on occasion).

Friday was a poorly attended show, the room was loud and hot as hell, but there were some dancing maniacs who jollied themselves greatly to the love songs of After Elvis. I got to meet Steve (which made too many Steve's in one room), the buyer at Uncle Pleasant's, and had many screwdrivers with him before the boys got there. I've come to the conclusion that if I should ever decide to go back into photography that I will have to call my company "Shutter Buzz" or "Great Shots for Great Shots" and require that whomever I am taking me pictures of gets me nice and buzzed prior to each show because I take phenomenal shots when I'm buzzed. The same thing happened at Whiskey Dick's with Another Tragedy except that I have phenomenal lighting to work with at Whiskey Dick's which means I don't have to be nearly as impressive. Uncle Pleasant's is definitely a place I've struggled with pictures in before, so I was quite pleased with myself.

The next day was the Harrison County Fair in Corydon, IN. Met some great people, rode some rides, got sick, ate greasy fair food and then rocked my hiney once again.

All of the bands we met were great. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Check out 13th Age, Love Affair and Evil Engine .9.

I have lots of really dramatic thoughts as well, but I'll leave those for another time.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 88

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 88

August 1, 2007

You know what is the hardest? Knowing your friends are going through something that you could help with and them not being able to ask for help. At the same time knowing that it's great that their going to go through something that will make them stronger. Trying to sit back and wait patiently is always the hardest part. I love my friends growing, but I hate the process they have to go through. I hate the process I have to go through, but in the end... it's worth it.

Good luck to you all. You know where I am when you're ready.