My Bipolar Journal - Episode 102

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 102

August 30, 2007

So, seriously.... for Chris... My Space truly is the best form of wacking yourself off and other people to watch. It is both "S" and "M".

I'm annoyed. I don't exactly know why, but here it is nonetheless. I'm annoyed by, well, not just lying, but lying to the point of actual insanity. To the point that there is no other reason to lie except to try desperately to make yourself more interesting... or get laid. Here's some news... you don't have to be that interesting to get laid. It's just the fact of the matter. I never truly want to hate anyone because it means that you have to care so much to even hate someone, but I am so sick of someone purely because they allowed me to care about them and I still love them and will not stop loving them, even though they've done some of the most selfish, cock-sucking, assholish bullshit that I've ever experienced in all of Humanity. I used to think that this person shared my opinion, but I really don't think that even the people in his life are real or anything that he's said pretty much ever. I still love him though. I really don't hate him for it. I hate myself for falling for it.... but I wish I could stop loving him. I don't at the same time.

Part of this admission of his guilt (which I think he is incapable of as well) has to do with the fact that he just doesn't want me. It's not that big of a fucking deal. I started out not wanting to want him either, but he worked so fucking hard to make me want him. What is the point of that? I WOULD HAVE FUCKED YOU ANYWAY!!!!!!!

What bullshit. I'm so angry and I'm more angry with myself for falling for it. I finally find out what I want in this world, someone convinces me otherwise and they completely mess with me.... ON PURPOSE!!!!!!!

God I love him though. Loving someone... knowing someone isn't knowing that the stories they tell are true. If you know someone, you really know them. I sort of knew these things all along, but I let him allow me to believe otherwise. I want to hate, I want to not let him know he got to me, but just like telling someone I love them, I can't allow myself to not let them know that I'm angry and upset and hurt and fucking confused. I know they don't even care. I know that even the person their lying to me about probably barely exists in life, let alone this world, so fuck that.

Now I'm getting really upset and this is not the time or place, but I can't control how or when my emotions will overtake me and it makes me angry. This person says I can when really, I just think he can probably because he's never truly felt a real thing in his life.

I'm overexaggerating because I'm truly, really, honestly and wholly upset. As truly, really, honestly and wholly as I was in love. I want to regret something for the first time in my life, but I'm fighting it because I know how stupid that is.

I wish I were strong enough to not feel things, but I guess I'm not. Most days I'm proud of that. Other days I just want to cause pain. How do you cause pain to someone who doesn't seem to actually feel though? How do you recover from true and actual love from someone who has never felt it a day in his life, but had completely convinced you he had. How do you know for sure and why should or would any of us care to know. Facts are facts, emotions are emotions. Sometimes, when you put them together they both suck. Sometimes I'm more proud of it than anything else I've ever known.

I have to stop now or I'll never, ever stop.