Yeah, so I guess I jumped my own gun on that one. Yesterday I found out nothing has really ever changed about people. Didn't realize it until today, but still, found out about it yesterday.
When I was eighteen, I made a decision. I was not going to tell anyone I was bipolar anymore. The thing about it is that while it makes you extremely immature at times, it makes you grow up too fast in a lot of ways because none of your friends are mature enough to handle it yet. They treat you like a leper. You can't cry for the sake of crying any longer. You can't be happy without being hypo-manic. You can't "just freak out" like a normal person anymore. Everything is because you're nuts. That's just the way it swings. I can't say I blame them. I guess I presume that anytime a cancer patient has a cold it's because of they're chemo. I haven't been very fair myself.
When I was nineteen, I realilzed it didn't matter. I tried to just not hang out with my high school friends that went on to college with me, but it didn't stop them from talking about me. I still hung out with them, but just not the same way. I needed to expand out and find out more about different people, plus, all my high school friends had pretty much too normal to hang out with my crazy. They were still immature enough though to spread the rumor of my crazy to all of my new friends, turning those poor saps into the strange and unusual people that I had hung out with in high school. One of them, Derek, even went as far as to tell a guy I like that I was a stalker. So, what does that make the guy do? Analyze every phone call, every time he runs into me in the hall, every other guy that I made out with while I was in college becomes some sort of target of humiliation and interview. Didn't really matter in the end, because that guy really was crazy. Nearly sociopathically. I ended up in the same situation I had been in high school in the long run though. They won. I quit college and left them all alone. Still went back and hung out, but it just wasnt' ever going to be the same.
After going home, it didn't really matter that I told people or not. I only tried to bring it up when it was relevant, but after a while, I just told people whenever I felt like it and such has been my pattern for the past ten years. I realize I can't change this pattern because it turns into a vicious cycle.
I realize how truly fortunate I am to have the gang even though I annoy the hell out of them at times as well. It's just the nature of the beast. All of them are either just as crazy and insane as myself (and yes, guys, I mean that as a compliment) or they're mature enough to handle it and don't just give up when the going gets tough.
I'm truly frustrated though because I've been blamed again fro something I didn't take upon myself to do. I had one conversation with one person and they're now using it as an excuse to write me off. I think that's what people do when they're uncomfortable. They sit and stalk for that moment when I truly lose my mind and instead of being a friend and seeing it through or trying to forget it happened and move on to the next conversation, they use it as an excuse to say polite things like "if our paths should ever cross", henceforth, making them more sane again because they aren't as angry as you are. They find polite ways to tell you that they're better than you and always will be. Funny thing is, the people who are truly hurtful about it are usually just as crazy, if not crazier than you. I guess they can't be troubled with more crazy or they're in denial of their own nature.
I like people as crazy and moody as they are. That's what makes them real! Someone who is happy all the time is always repressing something. They spend a lot of time begging for understanding, but when it comes to them having to understand someone else, it's easier to just forget about them altogether and pretend that however long of their life you were a part of never even existed.
I cherish every moment I have that has been crazy or sad or angry. It's how I know I'm alive. When people don't get that way, there's no way of telling if they're even real. Do I like sitting here in my cubicle wiping away tears in front of near strangers? No, but if I were somewhere else, in a more acceptable world of emotion, would it be so hard anymore?
Sometimes we don't always know when we hurt people's feelings. Sometimes we're oblivious and selfish and just say exactly what we say all the time without any thought to how the person feels. When I do such things, I'm ready to go with an apology. It may not change anything that I said or how I feel, but there's no need to just be cruel about things. People who are avoiding you for your crazy never apologize for hurting your feelings because your feelings aren't real to them. They're emotions based on a chemical imbalance that triggers some sort of over-reaction in the emotional part of your brain. The news flash is, that they are still real emotions, whether they are justified or not. Now, I do my best to recognize when I've over-reacted, but this world, these people, have caused me to think that I'm over-reacting to everything, so why shouldn't I over-react to everything! Those who think they're normal are certainly going to behave in a manner that thinks they owe no crazy person an apology. It's not their fault I'm crazy, now is it? They all bide their time and say they should just wait it out and the episode will be over soon. Maybe it is an episode, but what if it's how I really feel? Then what?
Lack of interest becomes stupidity. I believe in creation, but do I really want to discuss the terms of creation vs. evolution? No. I have faith and have been taught enough facts throughout my lifetime to know that I believe it, but it's really boring to me. I don't want to discuss it. I'm pro-life which being pro-choice is nearly a new way to be popular anymore, but I don't believe in stopping any life from forming. Why do I think cells are a life? Who cares! I do think that. That should be all that matters. Why can't pro-choice people let you choose to be pro-life. I'm not personally trying to shove any kind of beliefs or facts down your throat, so don't do the same to me. If you can hold a unbiased conversation (which most pro-choicers and political types can't), then maybe I'll entertain you for a minute, but do I really find these sorts of matters enthralling? No! I'm not here to judge you. I'm not here to judge anyone. It's not my place. It's not my job. If you flat out ask me if I think something is wrong or right, I will tell you. I'm close-minded in those matters because I believe them strongly. I'll listen to your argument and if I come to a conclusion I'm wrong, then I'll admit it, but I'm pretty much a standard individual. Yes means yes, no means no. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Who am I to be right about everything though? When I go to meet my Maker I will have Him to answer to, not you, oh normal one. And I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of stuff to answer for which will keep me very busy, so I don't really want to waste my time here explaining things to you.
As for the matter at hand, it just fucking hurts. It doesn't hurt because I'm crazy or because a certain chemical is either firing rapidly or not rapidly enough in my brain, but because you would be hurt too if someone implied you were too stupid or lame to carry on a conversation with you any longer. You're not the only reason I'm crying, but you're certainly a part of it. I'm crying because it hurts, not because of this thing in my brain. I'm depressed because now I feel more alone in the evening, not because you're not there, but because you don't want to be. You have found your ten minutes of glory that give you the out of being associated with me. Congratulations. You're officially just like everyone else.
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