My Bipolar Journal - Episode 60

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 60

May 11, 2007

God, I truly am bizarre, but I finally feel an odd twinge of hope on the horizon. "Egad!" you may scream. "What is that? Jenn isn't posting about how awful her life is?" Not only am I not posting about how awful my life is, I'm originally typing this at 9:51 a.m. No, I don't have a fever, no I don't have a brain tumor (although all this Diet Coke will someday cause one) and no I don't have a car or the person I want back. Not only that, it took the most bizarre thing happening to make me feel this way. I got a "fuck off whore" message. "Why, Jenn?" you may ask, "You should be upset and want to cut a bitch", but no it's actually cheered me up considerably. I'm not even entirely sure why yet. Actually, I just took a few minutes to reflect and I think I do. See, the person I received this message from is someone that I've never spoken to and merely know about although we've known of each other for quite some time now. It's someone I've been jealous of and I've never been jealous of anyone. Now though, I realize there's nothing to be jealous of because when we were in reverse situations, I didn't write a message that said, "fuck off whore". I never once pursued any sort of animosity towards this person and although I may have reacted poorly on a couple of occasions regarding this person, I never once judged them. And the situation was not only similar, it was exactly identical. In fact, because I received this message I actually am tempted to try to get to know this person better. I know! Completely bizarre. So, no matter what has happened it kind of feels better because (and I don't mean to hurt anyone by saying this, because I know it might but....) I'm better than that. Sadly enough, I don't even blame this person. I know we all sort of say things that are stupid and immature from time to time and usually regret the way we acted later and I can speak from personal experience literally exactly and this person is much younger when those emotions are much harder to control. I've been trying really trying to get angry over this or find some way to seek revenge or fight back just like, but I really don't even want to. The more and more I think about, the better of a mood I get in actually which I find strange, but although she may have won one of the battles, I completely won a very important one. Sure I would have rather won them both, but it doesn't always work that way. Now I know that what I had was because I deserved it and I would never trade it for anything in the world. I don't ever want to have another experience like it unless it's with that person. This is so weird. I feel like one of those girls that's over-compensating to hide how she really feels and make a point, but I seriously have this huge amount of joy that keeps snowballing every time I think of the words "fuck off whore". It's completely real! I can hardly believe any amount of joy in my heart is real right now, but there it is smiling down on me anyway...

I even managed to get two shows booked..nrecently for a band that I've been working on for a few months and not..having a lot of luck. It's way short of the goal, but it's a star at least! Maybe the draught is ending.

Plus I'm really tired of talking like this. You think it was getting on your nerves. Holy cow! Hopefully it will stick and I'll hit some marvelous manic phase now. I've been so boring, but I'm glad that I've been boring. I'm glad I've been depressed and felt alone and sick and twisted and screwed up. It's what is going to make this one of my favorite manic phases ever (if indeed it does come on the way I see it coming). For those of you obsessed with me I'm sorry, but this may cut down on my bulletining. Not entirely. I'm still stuck in the house for the most part which destroys me, but I feel about fifteen pounds lighter. I might actually fix my yard or something constructive

So, to this person I dedicate the song "Just What I Needed" by The Cars.

To myself I dedicate the song "Swing,..nSwing" by The All-American Rejects because I can't stop listening..nto it and can barely resist the urge to jump on my desk and shake my moneymaker. I also dedicate "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance for being able to sing about not being okay in the most manic way possible.

I share with you all my current "Bouncy Manic Mix":
"Swing Swing" The All-American Rejects
"Twitch" Bif Naked
"Super Connected" Belly
"Just What I Needed" The Cars
"Teenagers" My Chemical Romance
"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" My Chemical Romance
"Trigger Happy Jack (Drive by a Go-Go)" Poe
"Good Looking Corpse" Sunspot
"Scott Bakula" Sunspot
"Prozac Girl" Sunspot
"Talula" Tori Amos
"Happy Phantom" Tori Amos
"All For You" Vaeda
"Battle Song" Vaeda
"Miserable" Lit
"My Own Worst Enemy" Lit
"Never Forget" OttO Vector
"Superman's Dead" Our Lady Peace
"Jesus Loves You (Not As Much As I Do)" Eve's Plum
"Hole" Hammerbox
"Six Feet Under" No Doubt
"Gullible" Rainy Day Crush