My Bipolar Journal - Episode 81

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 81

July 15, 2007

So, it's been a while since I blogged. It's been a while since I felt sorry for myself too, so I'm not sure which is worse or better or whatever.

I have most of my things moved into my new apartment which is both good and bad. I can see the floor after doing nothing but working on it all day, but I still have a couple car loads to get over here (probably a couple more than I'm thinking). I really like my new place, but I really wish it was my house. I really wish I could fit as many people in it comfortably as I could there. It is what it is though and I've been cleaning up dutifully before the AE boys arrive here early Thursday morning. I'm glad they'll be back and I hope I'll be able to make up for being such a choad the last few hundred times they saw me. Tee hee. It happens though. Nothing to worry myself over.

I was so worried over it earlier today to the point of borderline obsession. I hate having weird conversations that just kind of end in the middle of them, so I obsessed for a moment, but then got to finish getting out everything I thought, so now I feel much better.

A friend of mine let me talk and talk much longer than I'm sure even he wanted until I realized what was really bothering me and even though the problems still exist I have a better grasp of what to work on.

I so love my friends, but why isn't it enough sometimes to just love them simply? I want to be that person, but my emotions want to feel insulted every time I hear something negative about things I've already apologized for or when I'm not recognized for my undying love for them. It's so damned selfish. I know there are certain types of healthy selfishness, but when it comes to my friends I pride myself on trying to achieve a true form of agape love. It's so hard though! It won't stop me from trying though. I'm not a "do unto others as you'd have them do" kind of gal. At least, I don't want to be. I want to be the girl that would give everything she had to make someone else happy and relies on me and me alone to make myself happy.

I find myself wanting to find a friend that makes me feel the way I feel about them though. I find myself wanting thank yous and gratitude and unmerciful forgiveness the way that I try to be for other people and it's just not the way things work. I get that. I really, really do. I just can't seem to feel it. BUT....! Never fear my loves. Practice makes perfect, or at least a similar rendition of perfection.

I get a little bit from each friend every day and I'm very grateful for the one I had today. If it weren't for him I'd still be obsessing and probably crying and making a complete ass out of myself. I mean, if I'm going to be a complete ass, I'd like to do it for a really good reason. Not because I'm a whiney girl who got my feelings hurt. Lame and a half.

I've met some great people over the last few days and can see the beginnings of good or better friendships than I've had with them in the past. I really shouldn't be unsatisfied and it only makes me angry at myself when I am because there are really so many good things.

I got my happily ever after fairy tale romance, I got my friends, I got my dream job, I got friends coming for a visit and my ass is getting ready to be rocked to some familiar tunes with some familiar faces. I've been doing ass pushups in preparation.

God, I really am bizarre.