My Bipolar Journal – Episode 166
January 16, 2008
So many things to blog. I’ve been wanting to, but I’m so anal that I had to fix all my blog numbers and everything else first. Well, finally, I’ve retyped old entries and put them in their proper order. Renumbered things I only put in as poems or lyrics and added them into my journal here. I feel like I’ve had a journal enema now, so I guess I’m free to say everything I’ve been building up, but, as usual, most of it is lost and nearly as passionate as it was when I first thought of it.
The one thing I’ve kind of been focusing on lately is that people who say they really want honesty are the biggest liars of them all. I have a friend who wants to leave because he’s feeling lonely. He wants to go to be with someone he can’t even stand just so he will feel he’s not alone. I’m all for him leaving. Not that I won’t miss him, but everyone needs time away. I can’t deny him that. Being with someone you don’t truly know or love though is lonelier than being with just anyone. I ask him what he wants. He wants to know what I think of it. I think it’s about the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life. He doesn’t want to talk to me now. He’s not mad at me directly, but I know that he is indirectly. I think that when people are mad at you for things like this that it’s because they know you’re right and they just want you to support them; slap them on the ass and say go for it. I’m not that kind of girl. This person knows that, so I don’t know why they ask for my opinion when they don’t want it. Just tell me. Just say, “Tell me what I want to hear. That’s it.” Don’t tell me you want the truth. You don’t. You’re all liars. You want people to tell you that you’re right.
More thoughts on relationships and why this one-on-one crap is garbage for musicians. I understand, if you didn’t feel so strongly and have faith that there is this perfect person for you, then you wouldn’t write the songs you write and be so lovingly dramatic. The reason you become a musician though lies deeper than that. Being a musician isn’t just about writing music and performing. It’s about not sitting still. Wanting to travel and constantly meet new people and have new connections. It’s why you meet people and form bonding friendships so quickly. You feel more out loud than most people. It’s easy to get to know someone when you hold less back. The reason that you became this person lies more in the fact that you want to connect with as many people as possible. Not just one for the rest of your life.
I’m tired of hearing this, you should “grow up” and “get a job” crap from other musicians. Buying your house in the suburbs, making babies and having a day job only makes you less of a musician than you were in the first place. Maybe it’s harder, but you’re passionate, driven by your emotions, not money. At least, not if you’re a real true artist at heart.
OK, this blog is kind of sucking. I’ll have a new tangent soon.
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