My Bipolar Journal – Episode 168
January 22, 2008
It’s amazing how learning things changes your entire view of people. And it only has to be one thing. But it changes EVERYTHING! And whether it’s for better or for worse, it always makes you want to throw up a little. And it almost always kills some sort of fantasy you had. I feel kind of dirty and gross. The information wasn’t awful per se, but I guess in a way it was.
I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t let it affect me so much. This particular fantasy was merely that. I never expected much from it, but now it seems tainted and evil. I know it’s a fantasy I will probably never have the privilege of acting on, but still, not knowing it, made every shallow fantasy a bit better.
I’ve realized lately that I probably sound like I think I know everything and that everyone else is a stupid idiot, but in a way, it’s kind of the way I feel. I’m not going to pretend and make an excuse like that. I just know who I am and finally realized how happy my life is. I spend a lot of time with people who really aren’t happy with their lives and have settled. It seems like I have this conversation with everyone. I can’t help feeling like I have some sort of secret because I know exactly who I am. And when you know exactly who you are, not only is it easier to see who other people are, it’s easier to know what people like you need because most likely you know them better than they do. Because you used to be them.
Some of their problems are so permanent though. They’re so final that there’s nothing you’re ever going to be able to do to truly help them. They’re stuck with something so permanent that there will never be a way out for them. And that kills every fantasy, no matter how big or small, every single time.
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