My Bipolar Journal - Episode 172

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 172

January 18, 2008

Everyone else is trying to live in their past. I keep trying to live in the future. I’m not normal. It’s not a normal thing to do. I can’t say I’m terribly disappointed about that fact though.

I woke up crying today /yesterday (wherever you all live is beyond me). I’ve only fallen asleep crying once. Some people find it such a romantic concept to cry themselves to sleep. The only time I truly did it was when my Papaw was about to die. Over a year ago. How fucked up is that? I’ve cried many, many times until I was too exhausted to cry anymore and eventually fall asleep, but I’ve only had one night where I can’t even remember that I stopped crying. I looked back over my blogs from last year and I can’t help but feel insensitive. It was how I felt at the time, so I can’t feel bad about it, but I do sometimes. I can’t help who I am, no matter how acceptable anyone may ever find it.

I was dreaming of You. It wasn’t intimate. I dream of You often, but this time I felt you. I felt how familiar Your skin was. I touched it and everything was a bit much like it is now, except we knew that we couldn’t deny the comfort ability of each other. We felt each other only because there was no way not to. It was too comfortable. It wasn’t necessarily what You wanted in Your superficial world that you’ve convinced Yourself of, but it was there. It was normal. For us. For me. I can’t believe I woke up crying. It was ridiculous.

It was also the time that I realized that I never should have wanted You. It was and is Your fault that I do. Some would say, well, mostly You, that I made that decision all on my own. That it was only in existence because I let it be there, but that’s not true. Every night I get a chance to fuck some random person, it makes me realize that You were not a decision for me. You had to happen. That’s ok, but now I just have to take into account that, regardless of choice, I should have fought it. Just like the decision most of the Humans make to be with someone for supposed eternity.

It’s not a big deal. I don’t want You anymore. I want what You were. You’re not there anymore. I’m not sure what to make of any of it, but that comfort ability that used to exist, no longer exists because You don’t exist. Maybe I shouldn’t have as you say, “decided” to be with You, but You are the only one that knows it was only somewhat my choice.

I look forward to meeting You again. My soul just selected someone that wasn’t ready to be there.

God, there is so much more… and not just for You. I have so many issues right now in this moment that there’s not enough time to fill them, but I thought I should always remember that I woke up crying… just once. Just like I fell asleep crying… just once. I think the first was the weirdest. I’m glad You were a part of it, but it’s time for You to go because YOU don’t exist anymore. You think You have it all together and that it all makes sense to You. Someday it won’t. I’ll still be there. I’ll never say I told You so, because that will never be the point.

This is me. Take it or leave it. All of you. You might be used to me and still not like me, but I’ll always know it’s me. I can’t be terribly upset about all of that. I guess I should be sorry, but I’m just not.