My Bipolar Journal - Episode 27

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 27

December 13, 2006

So, I actually got a phone call yesterday (rather than a text message) that my Papaw is on his way to the Hospice Hospital. So, how do I deal with all that exactly? No, I'm actually asking. I don't think my mom is being overly dramatic again. I can be wrong, but I don't know what to do after he dies. I'm the worst reactor ever. Do I tell my parents that I think going to a viewing is disrespectful and that I don't want to go or do I suck it up and give in to the disgusting ritual.

I've been labeled co-dependent by someone else. Do they actually realize that it takes two to tango in the co-dependency world? I've accepted my co-dependency at least. I don't think the people that accuse me of being co-dependent really know the definition. As long as I'm not going overboard, I don't really see the harm in it. I can let things go, but, yes, I'm always going to try to fix things and think that I can. I don't really see too much wrong with being co-dependent to be honest. As long as you can keep it under control and not be an enabler of some sort. I try to be reasonable about the people I try to help. You know, there is an electronic test you can take to find out if you're co-dependent. Let me give you a word of advice, if you're tempted to take this test, even a little, you're co-dependent.

Later

So, I've found out that yes, my Papaw is dying, but not as quickly as I was told in the prior evening. You think the shock would wear off. Needless to say, I have found out there is no viewing, so that's a relief. My mom then proceeds to tell me as well that if I want to say bye to him or something I can, although I've already had to deal with the fact that I already have. I tried to be polite and said I'd kind of already dealt with that and that unless she thought it would help him I had kind of finalized things in my head. She continues to tell me about how my brother is so much more sensitive than I am (only not that way, she said it her way). My mom is nice, I promise, but there are just these subtleties that she gives that make me feel like she isn't truly happy with how I turned out. I can't help who I am.

More people are annoyed with me. What else is new? What I hate is when someone can't just come out and say it. I realize I'm a bit obsessive and tend to cling to one thing at a time, but just let me get through it. Unfortunately, by the time someone gets that I'm not trying to dry hump their leg every five minutes I've annoyed them to death and I can't even seem to do anything about it. Usually they can't even pinpoint the problem, so it ends up hurting my feelings and I get all weepy and hurt and then that annoys people even more. Including myself. That may be the thing no one gets the most. I wish I could stop. It's so weird not being able to control yourself. You would think it was simpler. You would think it was possible, but it's just not that easy.

Then again, I've been known to take things too personally.