My Bipolar Journal - Episode 30

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 30

December 24, 2006

So, I'm back at my parents after a few grueling days following the grueling, yes, I said it, Mexican family dinner we had the other day. My mom has actively been playing martyr. You can't talk about anything anymore. She'll just interrupt you or change the subject to be about her and the issues she's enduring with the ongoing dilemma of my Grandfather's death. I've been forced on the phone twice since I've told her that I don't want to talk to him anymore. Well, not forced. I'm definitely exaggerating. It's just that I've told her that I don't want to do this anymore and she wants me to. If she feels like it helps him, then fine, but I feel like she tries to push me into these situations so that I will break into tears and she can console me. Another reason I truly hope I'm not here when it does happen (which could be any minute now).

I'm sure to those of you who don't know me I sound like an insensitive bitch, but I'm truly just a realist. He's old, he dies. I should be glad it wasn't while he was young and that I got to know him for nearly 30 years of my life and I am. The fact that two of my grandmothers are still alive is pretty darn amazing as well. I'm grateful for those things. Death is something that happens to everyone. How can I change that? I can't, so I don't try to.

I'm fairly certain I've annoyed the crap out of some people that I wish I hadn't. I'm trying to be better about it, but it's like there's nothing I can do to make it better. There never is when you're bipolar. Everyone reads into every.... little..... thing you say or do. Real emotions stop existing to them after a while. I think I've put myself into that boat again. My friends no longer believe that I'm Human. Why does this always happen around the death of a family member for me? I have to feel completely abandoned every time and I can't truly be upset about anything because no one really believes me anyway. I only have emotions because I'm manic-depressive, not because I can actually muster up an ounce of emotion. And it's certainly not all of my friends and it's certainly not pure abandonment, but sometimes it just feels that way and the crazy part of my brain tells me that that is the way that it is.

I just realized something the other day while thinking about going back on medication for a moment. I mean, the biggest excuse that I have is that I don't have insurance or the money to pay for it and that I'm afraid of losing myself again, but really, I think I'm more afraid of wanting Chris back again. I think about it a lot, but I know its bad news. I think about it a lot though when I feel as though my friends have sort of abandoned me. I know really that they haven't, but that they're just annoyed, but that's always when I need them the most.

So, the update is now that my Papaw will probably be dying within the hour. It's so unusual how I'm not really thinking about it, but that it still makes me cry just knowing the knowledge is there somewhere embedded in the crevices of my brain. Usually, I have to really think about how I won't see him again and there's no way to see him again and a bunch of other morbid things. I called my brother and he's pretty upset I can tell. He's the "good kid" though.