My Bipolar Journal – Episode 45
February 27, 2007
You know those days where everything seems surreal and ironic? I think that's going to be today. You know how sometimes you walk through life, whether it be downtown, your work building, your house... and everything just seems to kind of exist around you, but it doesn't really feel like it's there. You want to walk up and poke people to see if they're real or your finger would sail right through them like an optical illusion. If you thought hard enough, could you actually just float off the ground and glide to wherever your destination was? Would anyone really notice if you didn't show up at work today? If you decided to do something more fun would it really be fun or would it be so non-existent that you couldn't even enjoy it?
I showed up at work today and now sit in a different location where it's much louder and people talk about the most uninteresting bits of conversation I've ever heard in my life. Today it was brought up for the third time about how Britney Spears shaved her head. Now, I admit that even when I saw that bit of news it inspired laughter, but giving this much attention to it is precisely what she was going for in a sense. I know, I know... Kevin Federline (or whoever he is and however you spell it), blah, blah, blah... I just don't really care. After a few minutes of discussion about how stupid she is and what a bad mother she is and how she wasn't even that attractive in the first place and how there is a fued with her and Paris Hilton, the comment was made.... "It's amazing that people pay so much attention to these nothings." Do I really need to make my point here?
Okay, enough of my surrealness and irony of the day. Back to the amazing discoveries of myself because that's what you're all here for right? To bask in the abyss that is my crazy brain? Well, it's why I'm here at least.
I had another marvelous revelation over the weekend in the midst of acting like an idiot in front of the man I adore once again (God, I'm lucky he hasn't kicked me in the crotch and run out of the room screaming... yet). I realize why I get so upset over the most idiotic things, well most of the time. You see, sometimes it's like my brain is physically ill. It feels like it needs to vomit or purge or be upset and make all sorts of drama, so what do we as the amazing bipolar community feel the need to do? Create some. Why? Because we want to justify these feelings and have them make some sort of sense, so instead we pick something stupid that only makes sense to us because we can plug it into that feeling. I knew I wanted to cry and maybe there was some justification to my tears. I knew that I only had a few more moments with the man I love, I had a lonely night ahead of me, I had a long drive ahead of me and was in the middle of a lot of decisions, but honestly, those are things that people just have to deal with. Truthfully, none of them bother me the way that it was effecting me. I just knew that my brain had had enough of whatever it was and was ready to let go, so I started picking on those things one at a time through my head trying to figure out which one of those things was bothering me the most so I could blame it. Honestly, it was really none of those things. It was just a feeling brought on by the insane firing or misfiring of chemicals in my brain.
Why do we try to justify it? Because other people need it. They need to feel like there is a reason you're a generalized basket case, so we try to appease them and usually wind up looking even more bizarre than we did in the first place. We care so much about making the other person comfortable that we make weak attempts to do so. It's truly not fair, but the answer, "I don't know why I'm crying, I just need to" doesn't register with Humans, however, when a Human comes to me and says the same thing, I understand it completely. Does it make me better or worse? Crazier or more sane? Does it even matter? Do those Humans that don't get it matter in the big scheme of my brain and my life? I guess it will always be a case by case basis.
I feel sad that February is coming to a close tomorrow actually. I feel grateful for the album Everglow by Mae. I hope the end of February doesn't mean the end of my understanding or learning or relationships or anything else. I just hope that everything continues on the path that it is on.
"The Everglow"
Here's a night, and it shines.
And it calls us on and on.
So be here by my side, and watch the stars.
They're ours.
Make a wish or just take charge.
The moment comes get lost and go far.
I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
We begin, breathe in.
Here's our chance to go for something.
So this is where we win, and take the game.
No blame. There's a neon light inside that shines.
And tearing down the walls in the way.
I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
It's cold inside, but deep in the night.
The light is bright enough to save the weakest ones but you're in the running
Oh don't you give up, or fade away.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Whoa, whoa.
So just let go and fall into it.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Every action makes a reaction.
We'll figure it out and make it happen.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
