My Bipolar Journal - Episode 41

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 41

February 17, 2007

Wow, so I've actually found a time of night where I am literally the only person on the World Wide Web. It's a fabulous 4:10 am Saturday morning and I'm about to head off to bed for the second time tonight.

I'm doing it again. I'm obsessing. I'm messing things up. I know I should back off, but the more I think about it, the more I need to know if I really need to back off or if I'm being overly dramatic. If I just back off everything will be okay. I know it will. The problem is that I drive myself crazy in the meantime and no one else gets that. All I need is a little reassurance, but I can't seem to get it. It wouldn't take much, but that little bit is just nowhere to be found.

I hate doubting. I hate not being able to give it all up completely, but every time I try I remember the reasons why I can't.

Now I'm going to lie there and wonder about things, exhaust myself, make myself more insane and ruin things a bit more tomorrow. I'd love to sit back, relax and let things work themselves out, but it's like I'm incapable. The things it does to me in the meantime are unbearable, so I'll react and I'll react badly.