My Bipolar Journal - Episode 39

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 39

February 7, 2007

So, I wonder truly how many more poor saps my brain wants to experiment on before either it turns to mush and I start rambling on about the little aliens that live in my fort or the elves that keep stealing my socks. I wonder how many wonderful people I have to scare off before I figure more things out about myself.

Pivotal revelation in my life today: I set myself up. Every time something good starts to happen, and I mean Haagen Daz vanilla ice cream dipped in a milk chocolate shell good, I seem to have discovered a pattern for myself. The pattern goes:

• Step 1 - See/experience/feel something good
• Step 2 - Brain interprets as nothing can be that good
• Step 3 - Brain begins stress and anxiety pattern.
• Step 4 - I indulge in a nervous breakdown and other insane activities scaring the object of good feelings. Sad part is, I know I'm doing it.
• Step 5 - Whomever/whatever the subject of my good feelings are goes away.
• Step 6 - Feel bad and crazy. I mean, I knew I was acting crazy, why couldn't I stop it?
• Step 7 - Find something new to see/experience/feel.

It seems like the better something is, the faster this pattern goes into play. Is it because I think I don't deserve to feel good? I don't like to think I do? Is it just a neurological reaction based on that part of my brain that produces either too many or too little chemicals? Is it just a habit? Is it something I can break? Well, I'll be damned if I don't try.

Many of you know that I have recently experienced something that has made me feel better than I have ever felt.... ever. So, what happens naturally? I have an anxiety attack. In fact, until just a few moments ago I had the longest one I have ever had. Usually, if I can pinpoint the problem or sleep it off it will just go away, but not this time. It started at about 9:30 pm and just ended moments ago (around 3:00 pm). Usually, they're a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of deal. I guess because this thing is so good. I'm feeling all sorts of questions of doubt creeping into my brain and obsessing over finite details of things that don't even really exist. Sad part is, I have no agenda for this particular thing. I don't know what I want out of it. I'm tempted to say I want it all, but I don't even know what "all" means in this case.

I keep telling myself to shut up and that I'm only making matters worse, which only stresses me out more and the pattern builds and builds until I burst. It seems irreparable though. The more I try to make it stop, the worse I make matters.

When you really think about it, nearly every relationship comes to an end. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, engagements, marraiges, sometimes even family. The ratio of relationships that work out in comparison to those that do is very strong. I think the ratio for crazy peoples relationships to last is even lower. It doesn't seem fair, but at the same time I think we make up for it by having better relationships that feel much more like something, no matter how short lived they are. There are people on my "Gang" page that certainly don't think as highly of me and some of them won't even speak to me anymore. Doesn't mean they weren't important to me. So important in some way in fact that sometimes I'm blown away by how short-lived the relationship was.

I would suppose the point is that I expect these things to end, therefore I try to control them ending. Even if I don't want them to. Even if they're worth more to me than the moon (and if you know me, you know how much I love the moon). Sad part is, I'm not quite sure I can consciously stop this pattern. I find identifying these things in my life helps me cope with them, but this is something I've never even known that I've done for decades now.

I certainly hope I figure this out because this one is too good to lose.