My Bipolar Journal – Episode 78
June 30, 2007
Saturday night will be a full moon (the strawberry or rose moon). What's so special? It is the lowest the moon will be to us all year, so it will look HUGE! Venus and Saturn should be cuddlin close in the western sky. So, do it in the open air.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 77
June 26, 2007
A conversation that Rob was having with someone other than me that I am abusing publicly because I like it.
i live for entertainment
even tho i think its a virus
yep
it can be used for goo
d
haha
seriously
its a man made virus
think about it
its everywhere, its invasive.... symptoms include, shot attention span, mindlessness, culture-swapping, conformity without knowing, and the ever present boredom
life isno longer a struggle to survive
its a struggle to stay entertained
I still think he should have stuck with "It can be used for goo"
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 76
June 24, 2007
So, today is kind of blah. I'm a bit depressed, but it's rather refreshing. I'm not completely depressed or anything, just in that depression that comes from being really busy all week, having nothing but chronic nightmares the past three nights and getting a phone call from someone I really, really, really miss. It happens though. I've been listening to my "Moonlight Mix" all day. It's not like me to listen to a bunch of slower music, but I've been doing that a lot lately it seems. It's a phase I'm certain. Not one I'm ashamed of, just confused by.
I'm supposed to start moving this weekend which also makes me sad. I'm still trying to come up with first month's rent and then figure out who I can con into helping me move stuff. I hate that. It's such a selfish thing to do, but I can't do it by myself. I wasn't a very good friend to some of the friends I had as of recent, so I don't deserve help from some of them. I'm trying to fix it, but trying to fix it always seems to make things kind of worse. Admitting your wrong isn't always the way to get people to see things your way, even though, really, it was their way in the first place.
So, here's my "Moonlight Mix" for y'all.
"Lucky" Bif Naked
"Cherry Waves" Deftones
"Hide & Seek" Imogen Heap
"Beautiful" Joydrop
"Headrush" The Booda Velvets
"Headcase" Another Tragedy
"Tomorrow Wendy" Concrete Blonde
"Bajo la Lune Mexicana" Concrete Blonde
"Something I Can Never Have" Nine Inch Nails
"Virgin State of Mind" K's Choice
"Unstitch Your Mouth" Sparta
"Translations" Sparta
"Atlas" Sparta
"Putting the Damage On" Tori Amos
"Hey Jupiter" Tori Amos
"Over the Rainbow" Tori Amos
"Misdirected" Universal Hall Pass
"Not A Pretty Girl" Ani Difranco
"Done Wrong" Ani Difranco
"Dialate" Ani Difranco
"As Is" Ani Difranco
"Hypnotized" Ani Difranco
"El Marko" mr. Gnome
"The Light & the Glass" Coheed and Cambria
"4 a.m." Our Lady Peace
"3 Libras" A Perfect Circle
"Rhapsodie" Over the Rhine
"Fade Into You" Mazzy Star
"It Makes So Sense" The Terrors
"Cacophony" Vaeda
"Collapse" Sparta
"The Bees" Belly
"Let Go" Frou Frou
"Hemmorage (In My Hands)" Fuel
"Honey Don't Think" Grant Lee Buffalo
"Pillar of Davidson" Live
"Bus Stop" Paper Mache
"Nobody Loves Me" Portishead
"Lonely" Tangerine
One of the new ones by The Host
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 75
June 19, 2007
So, mostly what I'm thinking is that most people are having trouble just taking me at face value and that's where their issues arise. I can't just tell someone I miss them or I love them or ask them what they're doing tonight without them wondering what my ulterior motive is. I'm really just a face value girl. My yes means yes, my no means no; my love is endless and has no expectations. Just because I've given you 1500 rides to the McDonald's doesn’t mean I expect you to do the same for me. I mean, friendship and love is a give and take thing, don't get me wrong, but the people I do things for in life are people who have done more for me than they'll ever be able to see. They give me a feeling, have taught me a lesson or maybe they have given me 1500 rides to McDonald's. I have a friend who is always telling me, "But, Jenn, they would never do that for you." That doesn't bother me. I'm not looking for people to do things for me. Not in the way that this particular friend is looking. Friends and love are about connections and not about what that person will do for you or not do for you. It's about how that person makes you feel and if you feel a certain way you're happy to do things for those people.
I wrote someone just last week, "I miss you" and they wrote me back "...". Was there really supposed to be more to that? I just thought of the person, heard a story about them and missed them and wanted to let them know. I think it's important to tell people those things, remind them that they're in your thoughts and that you care.
I think people just get uncomfortable with acceptance. People can't just accept that they're loved or liked or appreciated for exactly who they are. There has to always be a reason, some deeper meaning and sometimes we can't accept that we're just great people who react positively with others and that's all there is to it. Some people you have to work harder for and that's okay too, but that's on you. And that's your decision. Just because you have to work harder for some people doesn't mean that you should whine and bitch about it. It should mean that you've accepted that they're worth the effort.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 74
June 19, 2007
I told you that I felt sorry for you
You screamed and told me not to
I told you it was fine because it wasn't the way
That you want everyone else to
You said no one needs to feel sorry for me
And I laughed and I grinned
And I pushed you aside
I said I don't feel sorry for you because of what's happened to you
I feel sorry that you're still alive
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 73
June 18, 2007
I woke up so happy and now I'm just annoyed. It's not the end of the world or anything. Just something to get out of my system and move on with. I had some really awesome dreams yesterday. Every two or three months my insomnia catches up with me and I sleep for pretty much the entire day. That day was yesterday. Yeah, it kind of screws with you, but I did force myself to get up and go out with Luke and we had beverages down at a hole in the wall redneck-liscious bar in Anderson, so that made me feel slightly less of a bum.
I signed a lease for my new apartment today and just realized that I still have to come up with another several hundred dollars because I didn't understand something. I can't wait to live on my own again though. I'll make it happen one way or the other. I feel like my life has been completely invaded right now. Some of it doesn't bother me and the rest of it sits so close to the surface of my skin that I feel like vomiting. I'm not that private of a person or anything, but I miss having my own space. It makes me anxious and irritated and annoyed. All things I hate being.
More psychos have attracted themselves to me and so that's been entertaining. I realize that like attracts like, but there's the psycho you deal with that is annoying to be around and the kind of psycho where you feel like you have to sleep with one eye open.
I suspect that in one month things will be smashing once again. I have lots of visitors to look forward to, lots of rock to help make happen and plenty of places to visit! Who could ask for anything more! Well, me apparently, but I try not to. I really am lucky. I have all the friends I need, but I know there will be more made. I have the job that I've always wanted and it will only get better. I have entertainment, I have love, I have good books, I have good music, I just need to get over my annoyance. And I will.... in exactly one hour. I'll give myself that hour and then I'm done.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 72
June 15, 2007
So, it's one of those night where I'll probably cry (yes, again, you fuckheads), but I can't decide why. I'm not disturbed by it or anything, it's just the way things go sometimes. I'm going through old pics and CDs from earlier in the year when I had everything, everything, EVERYTHING I wanted. They're making me happy and sad. It's confusing my bipolar self.
I received a message from The One (not Keanu fuckers) that confused the hell out of me. It's okay though. Keeps me on my toes.
I'm feeling guilty because I'm having feelings for someone else. Either that or I'm feeling like throwing up. I know who the only love of my life is and I knew that I would have feelings for someone else someday, but nothing surpasses what I had. Nothing ever will. I'm not going to sit idly by though. There are things to do. Other things to feel. Other things to explore while I wait patiently.
I'm nervous about losing my friends. I swear to God if they could feel for even one small moment of their life even a fraction of how I feel for them, they'd never question any retarded action I create for myself or stupid thing that I say. Why is it not okay to be crazy? Especially to crazy people? You think they'd get it more than anything else.
Either way, it won't stop me from being exactly who I am and saying exactly what I want to say at every moment that I want to say it. I'm trying to respect rights to privacy and things that are none of my business, but some days it gets hard.
I hate that no one lets me even apologize to them.
I hate that no one would care if I could get them to listen for longer than 16 seconds.
I love that even though I can't get it that I'm the first person they'll come to if they need that from me.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 71
June 11, 2007
So, I got a bulletin from Mr. Newman to play the "Fuck or Pass" game and it got me thinking (and yes, I do blame you, Newman), My Space really does want us to get laid. It's like its own, personal mission to make sure that we are all loosened up and ready to go. Whether directly or indirectly, most of us have probably hooked up or gotten laid as a result of having an account here on My Space. Personally, I have been laid pretty much as a direct result of My Space which accounts for 50% of my personal track record. God knows how many times I've hooked up, met people or developed friendships that may never have gone as far as they did as a result of this little cyber world as well.
So... I think we should all stop for a moment and think about My Space before we saying, "Fucking My Space" ever again.... because really.... it really is.
When you sit back and ponder how many times you've been laid, hooked up or met someone special as a result of this place, I want you to think of Tom.... he has more friends than any of us.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 70
June 9, 2007
So, I pretty much feel like the biggest shit on the planet. Anyone who knows me (which I like to think are more than the actual number of people who probably do) knows that there's nothing more in my life that I value as much as my friends. Even the ones who don't care about me as much as I do them. The willingness to lay down your life for other people isn't always reciprocated and I'm okay with that. The thing that isn't cooperating with my brain right now is me being rewarded for stupid shit my friends have done. I still feel somehow responsible. I still feel like it's my fault. I actually feel like I've sabotaged them. Why? More likely because I'm possibly being rewarded for their idiotic behavior.
A) I'm usually a great secret keeper... until someone makes me think that the information I'm with holding is somehow hurtful to my other friend. Not my fault and I'm aware of this, but asking someone to know your secrets is sometimes the worst thing ever. Especially when that secret is about someone you care about.
B) Even though you may be the one doing the stupid thing.... if I am somehow rewarded I'm going to feel responsible.
I don't deserve the people who are in my life. I don't deserve anything good that happens to me. Even if I work my ass off. Even if I did all the work. Even if I jump in front of the bus and survive or push myself to the extreme or beg and plead and pray and cry for something... it's never worth it unless my friends can benefit from it. I know there are people who think that's pathetic. I know there's people, friends of mine, who think I should put myself first, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm not ashamed that it hurts me or that I'm crying or that I plead for mercy from the one person whom I will love for... not even kidding... forever and more than anyone I will ever love.
I feel bad for asking. I feel bad that someone is there for me. Maybe that's not good, but it's better than having the people in my life not have someone be there for them. Because they deserve it. Because they've earned it and because I'm happy to give it to them.
I got nothin'. I'm okay with that.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 69
June 8, 2007
So it's weird trying to keep everyone happy. I don't think I'll ever be worried about making everyone happy altogether, but I'm fucking up. I'm not a secret keeper. I'm not someone who handles information well. I don't think I've actually fucked up. I'm hoping I haven't fucked up. Its weird having friends that I care about so stupid much that have secrets that I happen to know about. It's weird knowing that just this week alone 43 people have viewed my blog. I don't even know that I can name 43 people. Even though I know I can. It's weird that out of 43 people that out of all those people the only ones who gave a crap is a miniscule number. Even weirder that 2323 people have viewed it altogether. I typed that and kind of lost my breath.
To anyone who doesn't want to hear anything that I had to say, I'm sorry I said anything. I'm not and I am. I'm just not good at anything less than honesty and... oh boy.... lack of better term.... nobility. I'm kind of ashamed because my secret keeping skills excel that of the American government, but it's so hard when you give such a shit for people.
Wow a pause for more things that make me think too much just happened.
This is why that other than these 5 guys I care about so much I'm going to burst I make a vow to only be friends with people who are undoubtedly as honest as I am at all times. Trying to defend things and make people understand them is way too hard sometimes.
People make connections though. People (or non-humans) you connect with are always important. There are always people you feel a need to protect. Always people you feel a need to share with and people that you love more than anything you ever experience. Then there's that one person who, when they're not there anymore, you just feel.... without.
My Bipolar Journal – Episode 68
June 3, 2007
"Settle, you said 'settle'! Settle for anything and your doomed. My biggest fear in life is being mediocre. We can't be willing to settle for anything especially for less than we deserve. We watch other people live out their dreams instead of investing in dreams of our own. We should strive for greatness. Life is too short. We must make it extraordinary. Never settle for anything less than extraordinary or else life will suck. It might suck anyway, but it's better to suck with integrity, right?" Ione Skye as Frankie, Dream for an Insomniac
It seems to be an appropriate quote for the day and the moment. Good luck to my beautiful friends who are going after exactly what they want today and making it happen.
Also for my fantastic friends who are struggling with accepting who and what they are and what they will be happy with now and in the future.
