My Bipolar Journal - Episode 70

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 70

June 9, 2007

So, I pretty much feel like the biggest shit on the planet. Anyone who knows me (which I like to think are more than the actual number of people who probably do) knows that there's nothing more in my life that I value as much as my friends. Even the ones who don't care about me as much as I do them. The willingness to lay down your life for other people isn't always reciprocated and I'm okay with that. The thing that isn't cooperating with my brain right now is me being rewarded for stupid shit my friends have done. I still feel somehow responsible. I still feel like it's my fault. I actually feel like I've sabotaged them. Why? More likely because I'm possibly being rewarded for their idiotic behavior.

A) I'm usually a great secret keeper... until someone makes me think that the information I'm with holding is somehow hurtful to my other friend. Not my fault and I'm aware of this, but asking someone to know your secrets is sometimes the worst thing ever. Especially when that secret is about someone you care about.

B) Even though you may be the one doing the stupid thing.... if I am somehow rewarded I'm going to feel responsible.

I don't deserve the people who are in my life. I don't deserve anything good that happens to me. Even if I work my ass off. Even if I did all the work. Even if I jump in front of the bus and survive or push myself to the extreme or beg and plead and pray and cry for something... it's never worth it unless my friends can benefit from it. I know there are people who think that's pathetic. I know there's people, friends of mine, who think I should put myself first, but I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm not ashamed that it hurts me or that I'm crying or that I plead for mercy from the one person whom I will love for... not even kidding... forever and more than anyone I will ever love.

I feel bad for asking. I feel bad that someone is there for me. Maybe that's not good, but it's better than having the people in my life not have someone be there for them. Because they deserve it. Because they've earned it and because I'm happy to give it to them.

I got nothin'. I'm okay with that.