My Bipolar Journal - Episode 72

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 72

June 15, 2007

So, it's one of those night where I'll probably cry (yes, again, you fuckheads), but I can't decide why. I'm not disturbed by it or anything, it's just the way things go sometimes. I'm going through old pics and CDs from earlier in the year when I had everything, everything, EVERYTHING I wanted. They're making me happy and sad. It's confusing my bipolar self.

I received a message from The One (not Keanu fuckers) that confused the hell out of me. It's okay though. Keeps me on my toes.

I'm feeling guilty because I'm having feelings for someone else. Either that or I'm feeling like throwing up. I know who the only love of my life is and I knew that I would have feelings for someone else someday, but nothing surpasses what I had. Nothing ever will. I'm not going to sit idly by though. There are things to do. Other things to feel. Other things to explore while I wait patiently.

I'm nervous about losing my friends. I swear to God if they could feel for even one small moment of their life even a fraction of how I feel for them, they'd never question any retarded action I create for myself or stupid thing that I say. Why is it not okay to be crazy? Especially to crazy people? You think they'd get it more than anything else.

Either way, it won't stop me from being exactly who I am and saying exactly what I want to say at every moment that I want to say it. I'm trying to respect rights to privacy and things that are none of my business, but some days it gets hard.

I hate that no one lets me even apologize to them.

I hate that no one would care if I could get them to listen for longer than 16 seconds.

I love that even though I can't get it that I'm the first person they'll come to if they need that from me.