My Bipolar Journal - Episode 180

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 180

February 26, 2008

So many people are overly concerned about nonsense. So many people are waiting for a President, a Leader, a General to make things completely right for them… or an entire country. The thing is and the beauty of Humanity in a sense is that we’ll never all agree. You may be right. It might be a Ron Paul or a black man or a woman or a Bush or a God to end the revolution of sin that we all experience, no matter how we all interpret sin. In the long run though, the beauty of it all is that we still experience the right to disagree with our own so-called leaders. It’s the comfort that I have that I didn’t have to walk into my 7^th grade class and bow down to an idol, whether it be Buda, Moses, God or Music.

It’s always going to be a bother to me that anyone thinks that any one way is the right way because we are all naive and stupid to think that any of us are right. I know what I believe. Does it make me correct? No way. I guess that’s why politics are so boring to me and religions so aggravating. No one has a right to say that there is no other option than their own. No one should have a right to enter the world in a non-thinking manner. No one should be condemned for being pro-life because if you’re pro-choice, you should respect my choice to be pro-life.

Being close-minded doesn’t only depend on you thinking that there is free love or music that can make you giggle while you’re tripping on shrooms or that not eating meat is the only lifestyle that is worthwhile and complete or even healthy.

In the end… we’re all wrong. Every decision we make will be wrong in some way. Even the ones we make right. Living forever or longer is a decision that we’re all trying to make at being immortal. Me… I’d rather bite it when everything is perfect and I feel complete. Even if I were 12 when I feel that.

There’s no immortality. There’s no right answer. There’s no perfect candidate. There’s no perfect society or decision that any person that we make for ourselves or that someone else can make for us that will make us happy. The only thing that can make us happy is that we are truly ourselves at all costs. No matter whom we agree with or connect with or agree with in our lives.

Everything is confusing and sad and that shouldn’t be such a bad thing all the time.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 179

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 179

February 25, 2008

So, where is this world where it matters if people talk about you behind your back? I don’t understand the significance of what anyone thinks of me or who they say it to. Second of all, everyone has a problem with everyone at some point in their life and the only way to get it off your chest is to talk about it to your other friends. And my favorite is the scenario of confrontation. “I heard you were talking about me behind my back.” Well, where did you hear that from? Obviously you were talking about me behind my back or else you never would have known that I was talking about you.

The real key is being able to be real in all circumstances. If I say, “I think [insert name here] is being an ass”, even though I may not choose to say it to that person, if confronted I would say, “Yes, I think you’re being an ass.” Where is this place that we shouldn’t be able to say that?

Now sometimes I might say something to someone that I wouldn’t necessarily volunteer to the actual person because I either need advice about the situation or I know that I’m being stupid and need to blow off steam and the situation would pass.

I can’t possibly imagine a world though where I would even dream of giving a crap that you were saying anything about me because everyone is entitled to an opinion and a lot of times, I would deserve or have been or done whatever it is that you’re saying.

I can’t imagine a world where I would have any information or thoughts or ideas that anyone would be able to blackmail me with. If you think there is a world that exists such as that, then I think you’re the one with something to hide.

Just be yourself all the time. Say what you want to say, when you want to say it… every… single… time.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 178

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 178

February 17, 2008

OK, something strange is going on. I am stuffed up, my throat is on fire, I woke up early, but I woke up feeling better than I ever have. I woke up grinning. I don’t even know exactly why. I know many elements of why, but nothing more than my usual Nashville excitement. I didn’t even have really great dreams, in fact, some of them were borderline nightmarish. I dreamt that He called me… just to talk. I dreamt that my parents finally got mad about all the money I’ve taken from them. I dreamt about elevators nearly plummeting me and others to my death. I woke up smiling. I think I also kept dreaming about being with my friends at The Rutledge and getting to see nearly everyone… even people I hadn’t seen in years. I am not kidding, Andy Aquino, Henry Go, Johannes Greer and Ogy Joe (amongst Aljon Go and Jonda, who could not be there) are some of my heroes. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t know ANY of the people who I got to see, hang out with, kiss, hug, and drink with last night. Well, except Caleb and Shane, who are a whole other story of heroes that I can’t even fathom going into without it turning into a short novel rather than journal entry.

I don’t know what it is about this place that always makes me so incredibly happy, but I know it has something to do with the bands and friends that I’ve met. Thanks to Ogy Joe for having a stupendous birthday bash, to Hollywood Cowboy’s Steve and Jeramy (and other new friends), Project Jones’ Jerry, fORMER and Project Jones’ Wes (and yes, you Jen; I would never forget you), The Rutledge’s very own Andy Aquino, Ligion’s Johannes Greer, fORMER’s Henry, Denny and Billy, Cincinnati’s Caleb and Shane (nope, I’m not taking you out of Cincinnati yet, boy!) for making this trip to Nashville one of the highlight’s of my life! I know a lot of you were having a rough time of it, but you’ve made it through and a new day and a new week are upon us and you all genuinely make me happy. Someday we will laugh about the towing and the overflowing toilets and standing in our own piss. Not today. Someday. OK. Maybe today.

I don’t know why I’m so happy exactly still, but I know it all had to do with all of you and it makes me happy that you’re all real and exist in my imaginary world.

LOVE YOU LOADS!

P.S. I have the best pictures. Thanks a bunch to the little animated singer guy in My Beautiful Disaster for being such a character. I’m really only MOSTLY scary.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 177

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 177

February 14, 2008

OK, I’m ashamed I’m even acknowledging this day in any way shape or form since it’s not even a real holiday, which is in turn, the only reason I’m acknowledging it. Now, I believed this even when I was with someone. I did celebrate it last year because He threw up this big excuse that He had never had a Valentine on Valentine’s Day (even though I’m pretty certain that’s a lie) and wanted to celebrate it. I was never really into it when I was with Chris, although a few gifts were periodically exchanged. I just have never seen the point in any “holiday” celebrating being a “couple”. It only makes everyone else feel inadequate and like they aren’t worthy of being Human when they’re not in a relationship.

So often lately I’ve seen so many people making their significant other their entire identity. This is just so lame. People posting in their My Space pictures only pictures of them and their “whoever” or putting in the name box “Mrs. So and So” or “So and so loves so and so”. It’s just so lame. It makes people say things like, “Fuck Valentine’s Day” or “Happy the Shittiest Day of the Year”. And really, how could it be?

Celebrating being a couple is so stupid. Especially now that we have three holidays for it. You are required to celebrate Valentine’s Day, your anniversary and my least favorite of them all... Sweetest Day.

The only people who say, “Happy Valentine’s Day” are people who think that their special because they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancée, husband/wife, or whatever. People who say, “Fuck Valentine’s Day” are people who are trying to define themselves by being a couple. I think both are lame.

You know, I’m happy with me. I don’t need some stupid day that is a reminder that you’re all delusional. It just makes no sense to me. I have my birthday and that’s just for me, well, and probably a few other people. It’s a day I can make my own though and don’t have to worry about what someone else is going to think of what I decide to do that day or if someone bought me an expensive enough gift of spent the appropriate amount of time with me. I feel sorry for all the people getting proposed to today with an answer of “yes” so that they can enter through the next archway of delusion.

What’s so wrong with just being you? What’s so wrong with being “by yourself”? I love it and I never feel lonely. Saying one person can define me is like saying all my friends and family that I love are worthless and less important to me. I don’t like that one bit.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 176

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 176

February 6, 2008

I’m so fucking disappointed. Two days ago I had a fever of 100.3, which was a big deal for me because I hadn’t had a fever in like a decade. My body over-reacted to being THAT fucking sick, I hallucinated on my mother’s birthday. She texted me saying, “Happy Birthday to me! I figured you’d forget and I’d remind you.” I was so hopped up on Nyquil that I thought I had been in a coma for two month and that it was my birthday. Yes, I can be hopped up on Nyquil because I never take anything for anything, so sorry I’m not as cool as the rest of the drug addicts out there. It only makes Nyquil cooler than crack EVER will be for your lousy asses.

I finally was really super hungry and wanted to go out on my only night off, get laid, have some drinks… you know, blow off some steam and it ended up being more stressful than, well, just about anything. I don’t really super know why. I think because maybe I wanted some attention. I don’t mind being by myself, but sometimes it stinks not having someone pay attention to you when you’re sick. Sometimes it’s awesome. Actually, I had someone paying just enough attention to me while I was sick, but I though, “Hey! I’m better! Now I can get the real attention!” Not so much. It’s all good. It’s barely important except that tonight was SO lame.

I went to a bar to get away from everything else and all I ended up doing was hearing about work all night. I even told the guy to shut up and talk about something else because I was out to not think about work, but he was drunk and has no life, so it was more depressing than usual.

My internet’s not really working right now and I got cut off at the wrong time and it made me look like an ass.

One of my friends still hasn’t saved my number in his phone… in like a year. I gave him a bunch of shit though, so hopefully that problem’s resolved.

And no matter what happens, whenever I’m sad, I think of Him. Which only makes me sadder. This is why Sunday is usually my pajama day. The day I cry, pamper myself and don’t talk to anyone, so I don’t overreact to nonsense during the week. Now I’m doing exactly that.

All I have to look forward to now is a week of working. I mean, I’m excited about the bands this weekend and stuff, but I just wish it was somewhere I didn’t HAVE to be. I’m also glad that somewhere I HAVE to be isn’t inside a cubicle.

I just kind of want to whine and there’s no one to whine to appropriately. Stab, stab, stab.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 175

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 175

February 5, 2008

Sometimes I forget why I started doing all this in the first place. I always loved singing and started out as a part of a band, then another band. Things weren’t as satisfying though until I started getting myself involved in the business. Why did I start Chicks Rockfest and start getting to know local musicians? It was a very selfish reason. I wanted to find cool bands to listen to. I was tired of not being able to go on the radio and find something new. No matter how much I have ever loved a band, the search for something new was a carved in stone part of my soul.

Now, since then, my reasons have evolved and become slightly less selfish because I found a genuine and true love for the music business and saw where there were needs that were lacking, how cynical buyers, venues, fans and bands had become and that if anything was going to change that mentality, that I had to change my mentality.

In doing that though, I lost sight of just sitting down and exploring and listening to bands completely and thoroughly and finding things for myself. Sure, I take my days off and go to other cities to see bands live. Sure, I have found bands every week, but just sitting down in my day and going through bands who submit friend requests (which didn’t even exist when I started this) or paying attention to anything other than the fact that they were interested in what I was doing became lower on the totem pole.

The club is a very busy business (well, in the time consuming sense), tour managing keeps me out and discovering, but only to what is right there in front of me, I rely on my friends to discover things first and then tell me about them and that’s not what I started doing any of this for.

Another thing I’ve set myself away from is recently is the quieter aspect of music. The actual songwriters who don’t necessarily write things that make me bounce up and down and actually make me sit down and listen. I’ve definitely done a disservice to myself in this aspect. I think maybe my brain just wasn’t ready to relax in its music part. Simplicity just wasn’t good enough for me.

Not that I’m disappointed. I’m very, very happy with where my life has taken me and my career and going out and discovering new things, but I need to take it back to the simplicities for a while as well. Turn off the TV, click on random bands in my friends list and sit back and just listen.

Now, in doing this, it can be very frustrating. Anyone can be a band now. It takes literally nothing to record your own music, be it shitty or great. Filtering through this ocean of oyster shells, it takes forever to find that one fucking pearl, but when you do, it’s so much more gratifying.

At the same time it’s hard for me because to me live shows are where it’s at. Something I may listen to hear may not win me over nearly as much as a live performance ever could, but I know I’ve found something when I hear it and can’t wait to see a live show. Some of these bands are things that I can hear would be passable. They would be able to find fans fairly easily and slip through life on a music career if done properly.

A conversation I was having with someone yesterday is that there are plenty of good bands out there, but there are a lot of bands that are missing “songs”. All of their songs sound pretty much the same as the last and there’s nothing that sets them apart from each other. In my opinion, every band needs a minimum of that “one” song that they can’t wait to hear. The encore piece, the one that everyone is on pins and needles anticipating and if they don’t hear it, they scream for it.

Everyone gets on me for watching American Idol because it is so industry and about a style of music that most of my friends in particular don’t find enjoyable for one reason or another. I believe that everything that I can learn is a lesson, including something like this show. For one thing, I find it strangely ironic that no matter what I actually think, I can almost always guarantee that it’s going to be what Simon Cowell thinks as well. Does he always need to be as mean and pointed as he is? Of course, and for two reasons. One, that is what they pay him to do, but two (and I believe this is the most important one), some people need to be told to stop filling our oceans with empty oysters so that people can go out once again and be impressed by our pearls. The show also fine tunes you to hearing things that you don’t necessarily notice just going out to see a band in their entirety and why you shouldn’t maybe look so incredibly stupid on stage and what you’re doing to make it that way.

There are three things in life that any reputable music scout of any sort should look for, be it buyer, label, management, scout or fan. 1) You should be good. Actually good. To the point even that I don’t even care if you sound like everyone else as long as you can pull it off. It’s hard enough to just find people that can do it anymore, let alone try to go off and be completely different. I’ve found that the term “experimental” generally means that you’re trying to get away with doing something most people won’t like and when they don’t like it, you can pass it off as art. 2) You should be able to get other people interested in you. In other words, be able to pull a crowd at some point in your first year of music endeavors. It doesn’t have to be a billion people or what not, just true fans that genuinely enjoy your music. 3) You can’t be a dick. You just can’t. This is a business of favors. No matter how much money you’re making or not making at it. You’re not a rock star because you can draw over 100 people… only in your hometown. You’re not a headliner because you’re playing last. You’re not important because you’ve slept with over 50 women or men (although you’re probably quite satisfied). As hard as it is, you can’t take everything so personally. Which I know, is counteractive to being a musician in the first place.

Now you can get away with not having one of these, but not two. You can be a mediocre band, but draw people and be cool to work with. You can not necessarily draw a lot of people, but be good and easy to work with. You can even draw a lot of people, be good and kind of be a dick, but you need at least two all the time. If you can find a band that’s all three, those are the ones that are going to really make the impression on you, your heart and your hometown’s opinion of independent bands.

So, here I sit, filtering through pages of bands that I haven’t listened to before, doing your homework for you, once again and hoping upon hope that you’ll open up your mind just a little and take a listen to something new. Become a fan of something other than what you’ve already heard. I’ve broadened my listening spectrum and these are the bands I would give a second or third listen to. Also, to warn you, I’m going through my Chicks Rockfest bands, so there’s a lot of chick bands in here, if not all of them. These are bands I’ve just listened to today as a result of my own individual discoveries. No one else has had any influence in these opinions, although there is a long list of great bands that could go on that list as well. I want to start doing this more. I wish you all would to. I’ll listen to your bands if you listen to mine. Deal?

Myspace.com/Quincycoleman

Myspace.com/Lovespirals

Myspace.com/merit

Myspace.com/iridesense

Myspace.com/lizkelly

Myspace.com/abbytravis

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 174

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 174

February 5, 2008

Okay, so here we go. I’ve been thinking on this for a long time, but I’ve recently been making a running list of things that really, really, really make me angry. Most of them are commercials. I wanted to focus on the commercials, but lately, I really think there is a more generalized list though. I know I could go back through all my blogs and find things to add, but I think it’s time to make it official.

Things that make Jem angry:

1. Pharmaceutical companies – more directly at the moment – the flu shot. I have only got the flu shot once. That was the last time I got the flu. You are all dumbasses if you go to get a flu shot. If ever there were an example of how lame pharmaceutical companies are, the flu shot is the primary example. You get a flu shot to be shot with a strain of the flu FROM LAST YEAR!!!!! There are about a billion strains of the mother fucking flu and if you had the flu last year, you’re mother fucking already IMMUNE to the flu from last year. Dumbass. Not only that, so is pretty much everyone else, so the likelihood that you’re going to get last year’s flu is pretty much damned near null and void in the first place. You retard. I hate science. Nothing about science interests me in the least and even I know this, yet doctors and engineers and people who have big time degrees line up for the mother flu shot every year for something they barely have a chance of getting anyway because the news told them to.

2. So that brings us to the news. All it’s ever about is people dying and people’s personal lives, which I quite frankly have no interest in. OK, certain things in society effect my life to some point, but I’m not going to let the news dictate which of those things I let take effect in my life. So many people think it’s so damned important because people it is. It’s actually not. I’m serious. Nope. Shhhh… quiet now. It’s not. It’s too damned depressing, it’s too damned biased and if I wanna know the weather, I’ll look out my damned window. Meteorologists use billions of formulas to predict the weather and they’re still mother fucking wrong. I have a better chance of winning the lottery than you do wasting that entire amount of math on what you call weather prediction.

3. People who yell at inanimate objects. I will never understand sports on TV. Now, I enjoy going down to a stadium every once in a while and doing the wave and singing along to take me out to the ball game. I have no particular devotion to one team or another, but I like the atmosphere. When you’re at home, watching it on a box and yelling at a box, I can’t possibly begin to relate to you. I don’t understand what the big deal is about someone throwing a ball and catching it better than someone else. I’m not saying that you can’t like sports, but why do you yell at the damned TV about it? No one can hear you except you and maybe some girl you’re trying to impress with your amazing passion… about a box, but no, I will not turn on the game on for you. They make sports bars for that. I’m a rock bar, not a sports bar. If you don’t want to watch the rock bands, go to a sports bar.

4. Safe Auto commercials – yes, in general, but this new one takes the fucking cake. “The Safe Auto President pulled up to my car and help me.” Really? THE SAFE AUTO PRESIDENT!!!!! OH MY GOD! THAT’S ALMOST LIKE THE REAL PRESIDENT!!!!! They actually use at some type of insurance sales tactic? Are you actually retarded? I don’t want to meet the Safe Auto President. EVER!!! I’ve never heard anyone say, “Wouldn’t be cool if I got into a car wreck and the president of Safe Auto rescued me?” What kind of marketing FAG came up with that amazing skill? Not only that… they have another new commercial with a chick who says, “I have all kinds of tickets and a bunch of accidents, but Safe Auto keeps me on the road.” Well, let me tell ya something. WE DON’T WANT YOU ON THE ROAD YOU STUPID BITCH! You obviously can’t drive. “At least I can still be a crappy driver and endanger lives, thanks to Safe Auto!”

5. Olive Garden commercials – really, the longest slew of really crappy puns and “jokes” since time began. These commercials wouldn’t be entertaining in the 50’s.

6. Every commercial that depicts that every man is stupid and every woman is so much better. News flash… we’re all dumbasses. To all the women who fought for equality and still do, you won! Now we’re all equally ridiculous. This dumbass commercial about cereal where the husband gets the third degree about noticing that the cereal can help with weight loss, the commercial where the husband is doing his taxes and is stuck and didn’t get “people” to help him, the commercial where the wife is on the phone talking about yogurt but he thinks she’s talking about dessert….. gawd…. Get over it. Now those commercials might have been funny in the 50’s, but they’re not now. They’re old, inaccurate, boring and redundant. Get a new schtick asshole.

OK, there is more, but I’m in the middle of trying to not be sick and clean my apartment, which I’ve been avoiding since I’ve been sick.

Another interesting thing that has begun at my house lately. Apparently, the chick downstairs has started taking/performing/learning opera. Now, I have very extreme feelings about opera both directions, but I keep waking up in the afternoon thinking my apartment is haunted while she’s warming up. It’s kind of rad… and spooky.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 173

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 173

February 3, 2008

Macaroni, cheese and cock. Who could ask for anything more?

I have had the funniest and the most fun past 48 hours. So many great people in such a small amount of time should not be allowed by law. So many people embrace my forwardness, some fear it, some are unsure. Either way, I love that people are different.

I love that people I hadn’t seen, literally in years came out tonight. I’m glad that people I’ve nearly just met rocked my ass and that they exist and that they’re new and perfect in their own way.

I love that there is unfinished business that I was never sure would be attended to will be attended to.

I love that I’m friends with one of my best friends again, even if I’m never sure how long it will last. It’s good to know people are amazing and imperfect.

I adore that I have 500 friends on my own personal page and that I know each and every one of you or have a personal interest in your music… and that I’m not lying.

I’m glad that sometimes people get scared and don’t know how to respond to me. I’m glad I can still be a mystery to some people.

What I suppose I could really be saying, although not necessarily, is that it’s good to have a few really fucking good days since You. I really wish You would come back. I don’t know where you are. I doubt you do either, but it’s good to have things that make me truly happy and not have them to have anything to do with You.

Although in the end I’m still glad I miss you. You’re worth missing. I wonder if You miss Yourself sometimes. I haven’t heard anything good about what has happened to You and it stinks that I can’t be there for You. I’ve accepted that You’re gone though, as hard as it is to accept. I can’t believe You won’t be back though. It’s not You’re style. I’m so glad it’s not.

OK. If you and You haven’t got the point by now, you never will. I’m happy right now. I’m satisfied. I look forward to more of these. Thanks to everyone who made me feel this way. Thanks to You. I can’t wait until You come back and I can share this with You too. We’re both worth it.

In the meantime…. The rest of you are more worth it than any one person pretending to be a Human. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.