So, most days I just hate people. People in general. I hate clothes. I hate everything about them. I hate the fact that I am required to wear them by law, but then everyone has the fucking gaul to make the most hideous, uninventive, boring, overly priced, God-awful statements that they expect me to even pay $20 at a discounted rate for. It infuriates me. Not only am I infuriated at the disgusting fashion industry, I'm disgusted that I have wasted any portion of my life in TJ Maxx. Who the fuck wants dig through thousands of endless discounted clothes? Who the fuck has nothing better to do? If I could be naked, everything would match all the time, nothing would be too short or too tight or to loose or to long.... Okay, I digress. I guess people would just judge bodies, but at least for the most part, there's a lot less to complain about. Maybe we would notice more of the shades of people's skins and moles and scars and judged based on those, but point being... clothes make me sick!
People make me sick too. I love it secretly. They sit around in their corporate outfits and say something about their "training" at work and then laugh, big, hearty fake laughs. They're not really fake laughs, but nervous laughs. Nervous because maybe they realize they have wasted most of their lives thinking this is as good as it gets. Overly stressed because of jobs they don't really care about, they have wives or husbands they hate and kids that drive them crazy. At least they bought a house or a car. I mean, that is the point isn't it? That's the fucking goal, isn't it? To be able to accomplish the same thing that literally billions of people have accomplished. YOU ARE SO FUCKING BORING I WANT TO SLIT MY FUCKNIG WRISTS! I need something different! I need something interesting! I need something that says, "I've never seen that before", "I've never heard that before", "I've never even thought of anything like that ever before"! I don't even care if it sucks right now, I just crave the need for individuality.
Sitting here at this desk staring at grey cubicle walls, hearing people have meaningless conversations, stare at my pants that are a little too short and judge me based on pants or maybe my tattoo or maybe my streaky colored hair. I want someone to judge me for being too dull. I want someone to walk up to my desk and say, "What the fuck do you think you're doing sitting there, typing away, saying nothing and pretending you're working! Will you please get the fuck out of your chair, stand on the fucking table, sing and do the chicken dance!" Then we'd all break into a Drew Carey musical episode. GOD BLESS THAT MOTHERFUCKER!
Everything is boring right now. I'm trying to work on the novel and can't find it interesting. I'm trying to get some work done, but I can't do it all here, so that's just frustrating.
I need to get to Target and buy shit, but I can't because I'm stuck here. Who the fuck in the genius that put no stationary stores within walking distance in downtown Cincinnati. Are there not like a billion business that have needs? Is everyone going to rely on Staple's to deliver for free all the time?
I have to get my oil changed, I need to pay my Cinergy bill, I need to go grocery shopping. I can't do it because I'm stuck here and even if I wasn't I just can't bring myself to do it. I hate the mundane feeling of buying food and the ritual of paying money for electricity. Have we not advanced enough that we shouldn't just get electricity for free? We can get free wireless internet, but we can't get free electriciy? Electricity was discovered centuries ago. Getting oil requires me stopping my car and not doing something else I should be doing.
Do you know I sit in the bathroom of work for nearly an hour a day reading a book? Do you know that I'm posting my crazy ass thoughts on this website for everyone to read instead of doing what you would have me do which is apparently nothing. You should eliminate this job. There is no purpose. I answer the phone maybe up to half a dozen times in a day, get the mail twice a day (only once if my boss is gone), take an hour and a half for lunch and maybe spend thirty minutes on this stupid report that I'm trying to strech out across the rest of eternity. There are days I don't even work on it all. If I can find anything else entertaining to do I take an hour and a half for lunch. I have wrote four novels in the course of my work day. This is what you people are paying me to do and I know that you're all pretty aware of it, although it's something we don't talk about.
All in all though, I love the annoyance of the day because it's different. It's not the same. Sitting in a crowded food court listening to people laugh about training is more relaxing right now than anything else because I have no desire to be relaxed. Who can be relaxed all the time? How fucking boring. I'm too cold, I've been coughing for days, I want my voice back. I want to be able to kick my feet up on the desk, shut my eyes and fantasize about boys, then read for a bit before I head home. At the same time, if I did that I'd always be satisfied and who wants to be satisfied all the time? How would I ever appreciate satisfaction when it did come along? How would I appreciate my friends if most everyone else didn't SUCK MY COCK ASS! I can't wait for that feeling to come back.
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