I never decided, "Hey, I'm never going to be less than who I am," it's just the way I've always been. Sure there have been moments that I've come to the fantastic realization that sometimes I'm not being myself or maybe that I'm someone different entirely, but the unfortunate part of it is that sometimes that "me" is just plain fucking crazy.
I fought like hell, but I was defeated again. I thought maybe if I talked about it, knew it was coming that maybe it would embarrass me enough to not act that way, but things just don't always work like that. I thought I could do it. I thought I would win. I knew I had to because these people have not experienced me the way that they had to experience me yesterday.
I can make my excuses, chalk it up to bipolar, menstruation, hormones, weather, the control freak inside me and my uncomfortability of being taken care of, but all in all, I can't use excuses. Not if I'm going to win in the long run. Not if it's going to make me stay the way I am.
It's so easy to be excused when your a wife or a girlfriend, but when you're just a friend, there's no one truly accountable for you in a sense. Everyone should have someone that holds them accountable, so I guess that's it! Thing is, there's no one that's always there all the time except for you. I end up holding myself accountable every single time while the onlookers see a viewpoint that is incorrect.
Sometimes you think it would be nice to find that one perfect person who understands you completely, but if you did, then why would you need all of the other people. What fun is that? What sucks is when people have to relearn you. New friends are the hardest to break. Being the new girl is even harder.
Realizing once and for all that the reason you're so good at taking care of people is because you are so bad at having people take care of you. It's embarrassing to need help. It's even more embarrassing for someone who has spent her whole life only relying on herself. Even marriage would never and has never solved this for me. I'm an individual. I can see now that it's a lot of the reason Chris and I aren't together anymore. I think on some sick, twisted level he wanted to take care of me, but it's impossible to please someone who doesn't want someone else to do those things for them. Not only that, but repels it, rebels it.
Sometimes it's not fair, but what do you do, lie down on the ground, kick your feet and say, "Damn you!" or do you start fresh. You start fresh, very fresh, everytime. You would think it gets easier. Like you can take shortcuts now because you've been there, done that. You've won before, so you shouldn't have to react the same. You should be able to skip steps, but you can't. You always have to start at square one. While you can try to repress and forget how you behaved, no one else does, so you have to go back and convince everyone that you're not trying to make their lives hard, that you're not trying to just get attention, that you want to be something amazing in their life. You try so hard to be self-sufficient that when you can't be, your friends want to help and it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing as fucking hell. The more you try to recover, the more you know you're embarrassing yourself, but it's like you've left your body. It's like you're looking down at yourself knowing you're being and idiot, but you're not in your body anymore and no matter how much you yell at yourself as you float above, no one can hear you.
So, the question is, do you ignore it? Do you bring it out into public? Do you apologize or is that just recognizing it and making everyone uncomfortable all over again? Do you make excuses? What do you think is to become of it by bringing it all up again? It's unfair, it's not right to have to think of these things. It's not fair to not know what other people need all the time, but if we did, it would be so boring.
Sometimes my brain outruns myself.
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