My Bipolar Journal - Episode 183

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 183

March 7, 2008

I hate, hate, hate being stuck. It’s not even so much that I would go somewhere if I wasn’t, I just hate that I’ve lost the ability. Not only that, the past three “sure things” I’ve had have not panned out for me. It’s not been anyone’s fault, so I’ve taken to blaming God or other such invisible entities. It seems easier to blame something I can’t see and that is out of my control. AND to torture me even further, I now have several new sure things that I can’t do anything about due to distance and timing. I’m becoming extra frustrated.

My appetite isn’t gone, but my taste for food is. Nothing sounds good pretty much ever and when I do eat stuff it all makes me sick.

I’m trying to get sick again apparently. I was finally out of the clear and stupid shit keeps sneaking up on me a little bit at a time.

PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING SNOW THAT IS SUPPOSED TO NOT BE HERE ANYMORE! For once in my life I decided to take the plunge and decide that the snow was gone, but no, that was ruined too. My mood swings are so reactive to weather anymore that I’m thinking a move is eminent. I don’t even know that Nashville would be far enough to get out of this fucking funk. I get so fucking happy too when I can open up my window and turn off the heat and then it’s a fucking blizzard. Fuck it all.

I need too much attention right now. I know I like attention, but it’s like a fucking drug right now. PAY ATTENTION TO ME! NO ONE’S PAYING ATTENTION TO ME! COME ON! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! AREN’T A BIG BALL OF JOY THAT YOU CAN BARELY STAND TO AVOID?

Oh, screw it. One more flake of snow and I’m stabbing myself.