My Bipolar Journal - Episode 188

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 188

March 17, 2008

Apparently my iPod is as in love with My Hidden Track as I am. It couldn’t seem to stop playing their rock music tonight. Although I had nothing to do with it, and it’s not that I wouldn’t, it seemed to know that sometimes everyone needs some My Hidden Track in their lives. There are so many things running through my head and every thought seems to get stopped clean. Dead in the middle.

He’s finally back in my life… one way or the other. I hope someday that if I had to I would keep to my promise to turn him away and I hope to God and any other power someone might find equal or greater that I never have to. Titles and what would seem to most as obligations make no difference. I need Him and whether He would ever like to admit it or not, needs me. I don’t need the exclusivity of it all. I don’t need a title or a name or something that anyone would ever call significant. I just need Him. I need to take care of Him.

Something this has all made me think a lot about is the entire though process of need and a supposed “equal” partnership. People’s ideas of equal have gotten entirely off base and equality isn’t what anyone should be looking for. I listened to how hard He tried to switch from personal pronouns to plural pronouns. “I”’s quickly became “Us”’s. “Mine”’s quickly became “Our”’s. Sometimes we all need things to be “I”’s and “Mine”’s though and we shouldn’t feel so lame about that all the time.

The thing is that these definitions we’ve all grown so accustomed to aren’t always about equality. In fact, it should be exactly the opposite. We should want to be with people because, well, there is no other way to be. There’s nothing else we could imagine that taking care of that person whether they ever take care of us the same way or not. As long as they take care of us the way we need to be taken care of. For me, that’s someone allowing me to take care of them the way I want to. I don’t need to be an “Us” or a “We” or an “Our” to complete myself. I only need Him. End of story. End of day. Equality is a lame way to describe any relationship. Give and take is a sorry story put on air by Dr. Phil, not even a real doctor, nor would it matter to give us the illusion that equality is happiness. Some people are just happy taking care of the person we love, no matter how it turns out at the end of the day. Doctors, TV or now have all worked out this plan to teach us we are not enough without someone else or that we’re not enough if we don’t want someone else to take care of us. Some people are built to need to be taken care of and others of us are built to have no other need in life but to take care of them.

Needing a Valentine for Valentine’s Day or an anniversary or only one cock or pussy for the rest of our lives can be a disservice. It can make people who don’t need that feel inadequate and the only thing that will ever make us feel inadequate is other people. I love being me until I realize no one else seems to think that their OK just being themselves. Somehow that always turns against me and my decision to be happy.

I can’t imagine a world where I would give two shits about what anyone thought about that, but I can’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t give two shits about making sure you’re OK with yourself or the life anyone else chooses.

I don’t care about my friend’s problems. I care about my friends. If their problems are overwhelming or they need to tell me about how they are upset or ask advice, I will always be there. It doesn’t make me involved or a part of the problem. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t stop whatever bullet might stop them in their tracks, real or otherwise.

It certainly doesn’t mean that Kevin Costner is a remotely decent actor or that Sandra Bullock can’t play one single part where she doesn’t fall down.