My Bipolar Journal - Episode 184

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 184

March 10, 2008

I’m doing everything wrong. How can I physically do more than say I would do anything, be anything for anyone when they won’t believe me? I give up more and more and more and still I end up in this same place. Upset because the only reason I stay here most days is for people who don’t realize they’re the reason. How unfair is it to be told that I don’t love someone because I don’t hold them higher than other people that I love?

You know, I just… I just want understanding. I want to be able to cry and have it be just because I’m crazy and not for a real reason and for that to be ok with everyone. I don’t even require the amount of love that I feel for you most days. I just want people to accept it at the very least.

Telling me that I don’t love you as much because I’m not this significant “other” is just one of the reasons that I wonder why I stay. I wonder why I go. I wonder if it ever means anything to anyone or if I’m merely an empty oyster. The one that will always get overlooked because I don’t fit the standards of society and produce a pearl.

Knowing that every moment of my life is spent trying to make any of you get this and that it will simply be overlooked is the most painful thing I can go through, yet it’s so insignificant. Love isn’t enough if you don’t fit into this perfect box with this perfect ribbon of substandard living. It’s not enough if you think settling for anything is some sort of normal way of life or that having “problems” is a normal row to haul in any relationship. I’m ok with problems, but not because I accept them.

I’m exhausted.