My Bipolar Journal – Episode 193
March 27, 2008
Is it weird to not really know someone too well, but feel like you’ve known them a long time? Maybe it’s just that we all want to connect with certain people. I find myself worrying about someone a great deal that I really have no business worrying about. There’s an attraction and there are complications, all things I find appealing and want to find out more about. Things that maybe feel more attached to this person than maybe I should. I find that I have to catch myself from saying things to this person that normally I would be saying to a good friend. Phrases like “hang in there” or “I’m here if you need to talk” or “don’t give up” catch on my tongue. Long-winded messages that show I care get discarded by me long before this person would ever see them. I’ve done this with a few people, but none that I’ve really thought about or investigated myself for. I always want to say exactly what I want to say, exactly how I want to say it. It’s my rule. It’s how I live. I know though that with some people you have to be careful. My comfort level is always where theirs is and if I move too quickly sometimes, say too much, react too suddenly. I can’t help feeling I’m right though and that when I read this person’s words, speak to them or even observe them from a distance that they feel trapped, like they’re suffocating and need just one person to say the things that I quickly stop my lips from speaking or my fingers from typing. I also feel like they’re easily scared, that even the moments that they would be grateful for whatever I would say or do would also make them run the other way. It’s like trying to rescue a rabbit from a trap. If they aren’t as injured as you thought, they don’t stick around to say thank you, they run off to find their own kind and do all the things you did before making you feel like the rescue, while it may have been appreciated and shouldn’t have been done for a thank you… you still want one. You still want them to treat you in some sort of hero fashion deep down inside. Most of the time I dive in head first and say, “Well, if they don’t appreciate what I have to say or what I feel like I could do, then that’s ok. Move on.” I find myself afraid to lose this one though and I have absolutely no reason to whatsoever. I don’t even know them, not the way that friends really know each other. Sometimes, even after a few sentences with this person though, I feel closer than I have with some people after knowing them for years. When I go to say the things I would normally say though I hesitate. I never hesitate. Why am I doing it this time? What makes me so careful this time? I know the easy answer that I’m afraid to lose it, but there’s no solution to why. I need to come up with a plan and stick to it because I’m just not being myself this way. I wish I had more opportunities to just take the time to really talk and really say things. Everything is so circumstantial.
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