My Bipolar Journal - Episode 201

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 201

April 27, 2008

It’s not about getting off and it’s not about love. Sarah Jessica Parker said it almost perfectly as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City when she said, “I need to feel the weight of a man on top of me.” I need to hear the way a man reacts to me touching him. I need to smell the smell of sex and watch a man’s face when he’s satisfied. I need to taste the salty sweat of skin and the moist sweetness of the inside of his mouth.

Trouble is, I’m so damned picky. I have a certain look, model, make, size and year that I prefer. It’s harder for me to pick a man to do than a car to drive. And once I pick one, they may not prefer my look, model, make, size or year. Guys say it’s so easy for a girl to get done and surely it would be if we weren’t so damned picky.

I’m sorry for those of you who feel uncomfortable with me saying this. I’m more sorry that you have to feel uncomfortable though and not the least bit sorry that I would say it.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 200

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 200

April 26, 2008

I’ve always known and recently discovered that my greatest weakness and my greatest strength is my ability to forgive. Forgiveness is something that people who truly love you should be able to do no matter what, but I’ve even seen the world’s “strongest” Christians and those with the highest morals that the Humans imagine give it all up in one moment for the ability to be right. “Well, you cheated, so I’m right all the time now and you’re wrong all the time.” Trying to sit back and pretend we can forget what anyone did to us is impossible, but treating that person like it never happened shouldn’t be. Surviving the hurt someone causes you is much nobler to me than worrying about the morals Humans have put into place.

Believing that we should deny loving other people because we love “just the one” is wrong, inhuman and actually devalues the whole belief structure set up in the first place whether it is religious or moral. We are doing a disservice to each other by choosing to believe that we should stop caring about new people who enter our lives or that we can’t love someone as much, more or quite simply, differently because of this one person we’ve chosen. We devalue friendships day after day and when we find something or someone who makes us happy we choose not to accept it because we feel like it’s wrong.

I don’t know that I can believe in much of anything here in this place any longer. I watch people suffering in some way every day. I watch people denying themselves and everyone else around them or trying to convince someone else to do it for them. I watch people looking out of the corner of their eye to either make sure that this person that they’ve chosen to judge love by is either not there or there depending on their motive. Love shouldn’t have a motive or come with some sort of measuring stick.

People will always disappoint us because they’re just like us. I have no way to solve this. I have no person on my side because no one chooses to be themselves and to give everything up for someone else. Trying to have a conversation with anyone anymore is a constant struggle because either people won’t really listen, they argue or they may even walk away thinking, but always reverting back to their conditioned style of thinking.

Love is real, love exists, love is not one person, love is not religion or moral or obligated or right or wrong or living for someone. All of those are favors we allot ourselves or maybe even a result of love, but one of those things will always falter and who are we to say or tell someone else that it isn’t love. Fuck us all if we think we have the right to say so.

“All men need something greater than themselves to look up to and worship. They must be able to touch the divine here on earth.” Geoffrey Rush as Sir Francis Walsingham in Elizabeth

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 199

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 199

April 21, 2008

So, show of hands here. Who thinks sex is the highest form of love?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Personally, I think forgiveness and acceptance are the highest forms of love. I mean, of course there comes a point where it’s unhealthy for you to be around and you have to make things stop whether it’s what you really want or not, however, really accepting someone and forgiving someone at all costs? That’s something that’s truly amazing. Being willing to die for someone, now that’s love.

So why does everyone only fight for sex? You’re girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancée/partner/husband/wife has sex with someone else and you want to fight the person who basically had nothing much to do with it in the first place. You don’t want to fight the person who dedicated their life to you, you decide that picking on the person who did it with them is more important. Well, you know what? That person’s beliefs might not be the same as yours. They might not believe that monogamy means anything.

Many a person has said, “Well, I don’t feel like he/she respected me.” Who cares? Probably not. Most likely they don’t know you and even if they do they may not hold the same beliefs you do. It’s like beating up someone for simply being a Democrat or Christian or Vegan.

Morality is a belief not a proven fact. Not by any stretch. Now, of course, you will find fewer people who state that something such as murder is less of a moral belief rather than a fact, but that’s because it affects the actual life of a person that someone else is deciding should be there or not. Really, it should be up to that person or time. However, maybe there’s someone with an argument out there that’s believable. Sex doesn’t end much of anything. Maybe a relationship, but that’s because of what people have told us is right or wrong. We still go on, maybe hurting a lot, but most don’t let it destroy them completely.

Why should I respect someone for having a “significant other”? That’s not the way I’ve chosen to live my life. Did you forget about the person who actually promised you something? It wasn’t me.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 198

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 198

April 19, 2008

Several things are hilarious to me right now. Two birthdays in a row He’s tried to “break up” with me. Last year he actually broke up with me three days after he convinced me that having him as my “boyfriend” was ok. This year I’m not allowed to be his friend anymore although I’ve done nothing wrong. I can’t help it that I’m an honest person and that he could be honest with me. I still think one day He’ll appreciate it, but not today. He’s the love of my life and He knows it. He knows that I’m the love of His life, but He’s not ready for it. That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that He got married, won’t tell His parents and can’t accept pretty much any part of Himself and He’s completely turned into someone He’s not in an attempt to live what is the conditioned American dream. Why on my birthday every year? It seems so intentional. So, I decided that He’s gay right now and that pretty much anything He says or does while He is being a slave to conditioning is gay. I don’t even want to be friends with someone who can’t be themselves on some level. I know it’s hard finding someone that actually doesn’t mind You being honest all the time, but seriously… every birthday? That is so gay. And not in the cool bisexual way.

All I know is that 31 has so far been the coolest year ever and it’s been two days. I’m done with having bad days. That is also gay. I have been just the right amount of “drunk” (depending on how you feel about the subject), I have made out with very pretty people, I had many friends play with me and make me feel special and I would be a jackass to let you really truly affect me more than a few paragraphs of a blog that is merely me venting on how you try to ruin all my birthdays.

I’m also annoyed with people who introduce themselves as “so and so’s girlfriend” before they tell you their name. It’s fine that I’m missing my opportunity to fuck your boyfriend that night, but don’t you have some sort of defining point besides being someone’s girlfriend? Like a name? I’m just asking. Gay, gay, gay.

Really though it only seems like I’m bitching on what has been, so far the best age of my life, but you know what? Everyone has issues. I’m sorry if you think I share too much online or that I need attention because I share a damned thing with you at all. All I know is that I write when I’m feeling anything beyond a naturally boring feeling and that I like to think that one day maybe someone will relate or care or appreciate honesty. Remember honesty? Yeah, I figured You didn’t. Keep your asswipe alive.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 197

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 197

April 14, 2008

What happened to true love? Loving people just as much for the things that make you happy, but loving those even more for their flaws. Things that make people happy are almost always the same things, but being able to have flaws is truly what makes us all unique. How can we all be so content to just write out everything and leave people alone to wonder what they did wrong, when they probably did nothing wrong in the first place? It’s just that we found something that we couldn’t deal with about ourselves, so instead of accepting it, we push it so far away that it’s non-existent, leaving that person to believe they did something and wonder what it could have been. We even convince ourselves that they did something wrong so that we can cope with abandoning them. Should we go back for even a moment to let them know that we love them and miss them and that we were the ones that were wrong, or will it only hurt more to have to abandon them again?

I’ve found more and more than honesty isn’t a value that I require in people, it’s more of a respect I have for them. I want people to live lives they don’t need to lie about, lives that are full of what other people would call “too much information” and still be able to share it and be proud and just know that it’s them. Some people just haven’t realized who they are entirely yet though and still need to embellish and tell stories about. They just haven’t learned that once they figure out who they are, they can have the life that they thought could never be real and that they only made up in stories about themselves. Who am I to stop them from that? Your dreams and stories you made up can be lived once you’re not afraid to live them, but everyone represses and pretends to fit into this image that makes them unhappy. Some have even convinced themselves that they’re not. It’s sad, but it’s not something that bothers me.

I’m tired, but He keeps telling me it’s not time for bed.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 196

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 196

April 12, 2008

I think I’m exploding. Has anyone who hasn’t been involved in an actual explosion ever actually died from exploding? I’m not talking about your heart exploding. That happened to my Great Aunt Clara, so I know it exists. I’m actually just talking about the top of your head blowing off with little smoky aftermaths of nonsense.

I’m exhausted to the point of anger.

I’m tired of everyone with their stupid pictures of them and their significant other as their main pic on their My Space. Let me spare you the agony and tell you now… you are not a cute couple. There. You can pic something else now. So, unless your picture is something interesting, like you tying him or her up in a bondage situation or picking them up by their ankles and swinging them into a wall or in the middle of a huge fight, I’m really bored.

I know I’ve bitched before, but I’m really tired of not having my own problems again. I think I’ve lost my best friend entirely. I’ve gotten my other Best Friend back, but it’s still intermittent. I have other best friends, but again, not everyone is where I need them to be. I’m tired of trying to talk about my problems and suddenly it turns into someone else’s problems or why someone else’s problems are worse and then I end up being the one listening to them.

Most days I like being that person, but not today. I’m only asking for a few days. I’m not even asking for a total give and take relationship. I’m just asking you to take a little. I’m exhausted. I hate you all.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 195

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 195

April 8, 2008

How weird is everything all in one day. I’ve let a lot more off my chest than I usually do in the past 48 hours. I’ve been really applying my ‘saying everything’ rule too much. I feel like I’m letting it all out before I croak. Maybe I am and I don’t know it. I may have gone too far, I may have been too honest, I may have taken myself to a place that there’s no coming back from. It’s scary, it’s worthy of a panic attack, it’s unexpected… it’s kind of awesome.

He’s back and He’s not. It makes me want to say more and do more and feel more and try harder with everything. It also makes me overdo all of those things, so I’ve been overdoing everything. I can’t tell if I’m overdoing it or if more situations are just happening all at the same time. I worry about people I have no business or right worrying about, I say things to people I have no business saying, I interest myself at the wrong times in the wrong places and I dive in head first to other people’s problems at the inkling of an invitation.

If I only could get Him back faster without ruining everything, then maybe I wouldn’t question everything. I need His instable stability. I need to know that everything I say is ok and that all my worry is genuine, but sometimes I worry that no matter what I feel it’s some sort of extension of me trying to cling to Him or some version of Him. I know patience is a virtue, but I don’t live a life that has the convenience of patience. Mine is not one that lasts a lifetime. It doesn’t make me sad, it just makes me anxious.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 194

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 194

Let’s just face it kids. My white picket fence is better than yours.