My Bipolar Journal – Episode 195
April 8, 2008
How weird is everything all in one day. I’ve let a lot more off my chest than I usually do in the past 48 hours. I’ve been really applying my ‘saying everything’ rule too much. I feel like I’m letting it all out before I croak. Maybe I am and I don’t know it. I may have gone too far, I may have been too honest, I may have taken myself to a place that there’s no coming back from. It’s scary, it’s worthy of a panic attack, it’s unexpected… it’s kind of awesome.
He’s back and He’s not. It makes me want to say more and do more and feel more and try harder with everything. It also makes me overdo all of those things, so I’ve been overdoing everything. I can’t tell if I’m overdoing it or if more situations are just happening all at the same time. I worry about people I have no business or right worrying about, I say things to people I have no business saying, I interest myself at the wrong times in the wrong places and I dive in head first to other people’s problems at the inkling of an invitation.
If I only could get Him back faster without ruining everything, then maybe I wouldn’t question everything. I need His instable stability. I need to know that everything I say is ok and that all my worry is genuine, but sometimes I worry that no matter what I feel it’s some sort of extension of me trying to cling to Him or some version of Him. I know patience is a virtue, but I don’t live a life that has the convenience of patience. Mine is not one that lasts a lifetime. It doesn’t make me sad, it just makes me anxious.
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