My Bipolar Journal - Episode 210

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 210

I’m exhausted. Back to shitty dreaming I guess. Hi ho hi ho. All of my dreaming is so friggin’ vivid anymore that it feels like I haven’t slept at all when I get up. It’s nearly time for me to see the Pacific Ocean. I dream about that a lot for some reason. I mean… I want to see it, but it’s not like it consumes my day. For some reason it consumes my nights though. Something always goes wrong though in my dreams. Last night I kept trying to take pictures and nothing would turn out. My mode dial kept changing on its own after I had already changed it like a thousand times. I yelled at some guy for slapping my butt. I walked for miles and saw plays at odd little theaters built into cliff sides. There were famous people and my camera wouldn’t let me take pictures of them. And of all things a scorpion burrowed its way into my leg. I woke up with the sting still hurting my leg. I’m friggin’ completely tuckered out. It was a very busy night and I have a long night ahead of me in which I want to have more energy than this for. I want to dance and rock and make sweet love to music and my camera tonight. It will be grand… if I can only drag myself off the couch.

What’s even weirder is that even when the dream goes wrong I wake up ready to go back to sleep. I hope maybe I can make up for my lack of sleep while I was actually sleeping. Growl. Where can I get one of those five hour energy things. I think I need 3 of them.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 209

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 209

May 28, 2008

I think some people think that getting a dog makes them grown up. Like if they can purchase a living thing and manage to not kill it that somehow they have succeeded in life. The problem with that is that everyone that I know can’t take care of themselves, let alone a living thing. Everyone I know wants to travel, be on the road, and not be at home at night. Some people think that they’ve found someone who will take care of it for them while their gone and then that person winds up resenting them for it. Who suffers though? The dog. It gets attached and then gets left with the person who didn’t really want the dog to begin with. Or it gets left with the person who did, but can’t properly take care of it. Dogs are harder to take care of than kids most of the time, but somehow people think it prepares them for that. Dogs never grow up though. They never learn to talk or feed themselves or get jobs and they’ll always have to be let out every so often so they can never be left alone. Leaving a dog outside all the time is just cruel. Flies eat their ears and there are allergies and disease and cold and rain and just the pure loneliness of being left outside and not joining the rest of the family. Yet somehow people think it’s ok to just leave them alone outside despite the conditions because people are selfish. Once the dog becomes a responsibility it gets left alone and neglected. Maybe not for people who have decided to be content with conformity and the rules that make them miserable from day to day, but for the people that I know and associate with. People feel it’s a way to connect with their girlfriend/boyfriend and create a “family” that they never get to be a part of. It’s really just all very sad to me.

Why do people keep living by these superficial rules? Why do people who have decided to be happy and make other people happy with their music keep trying to fall back into the same conditioning they have been fighting against every day? The conditioning they’ve fought by writing words about it and melodies that make people want to move and shake and bounce and be free with? Why do we have to drag other living beings into our selfishness and idealism of what other people have told us is happiness? Why can’t we all just be content to actually be happy rather than try to convince ourselves with things like puppies or girlfriends or boyfriends or marriage or friends that we can’t keep even remotely content considering the lifestyle we’ve chosen? Why can’t we just be the person that we feel we are and align ourselves with people who simply understand us for just us, even if they can’t let us out to pee every four hours or call us on the phone every day? It’s exhausting. So exhausting even that those of us who have accepted ourselves as we are find everyone else exhausting. Sometimes that makes me want to step back and evaluate myself, but I’ve already been there and it just wasn’t worth it. The only thing that exhausts me now is watching people I love be content with less than what they are and people I care about be less than happy and convince themselves that it’s normal. I’m exhausted even writing about it, but talking to people about it is even more exhausting since everyone’s trying to convince themselves that what they’re doing is normal and that buying puppies is excusable.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 208

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 208

May 20, 2008

I can’t sleep in my own bed anymore. I keep having these awful dreams there. They’re not necessarily zombie scary, but the final straw was the one I had the other night. Every person that I had met that had genuinely, sociopathically screwed me over was in the dream with me and I was confronting them or they were confronting me. It’s not bugs and vampires and rape and other ickies of nightmares, but I woke up genuinely terrified to go back to bed in that spot. Maybe because the last person to do this to me was the last person to make me feel safe there. Maybe I think that bed is somehow psychologically tied to my bad dreams. Every time I pass the bedroom I shiver when I look at the bed though. It’s so gay, but I can’t get past it.

Last night I slept on the couch and I did dream about things attacking me or at least chasing me I think, but I got to fly a lot in my dream. The only part I really remember is that I realized I was dreaming for a moment because of a conversation my friend and I had the other day about flying in dreams. Then I got afraid of losing control of my flying because sometimes that happens in my dreams. I kept it together though. Every dream I have is like this, but nothing was like the dream I had the other night.

I don’t even know why some of these people appeared in this dream, but the only good that is coming out of it is that I’m throwing myself into my voluntary insomnia again.

I’ve been sleeping too much.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 207

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 207

May 20, 2008

So, why is Juicy Juice only for kids? Would someone actually stop me from buying it? If I went through a self scan aisle at Kroger and scanned Juicy Juice would some kinds of alarm go off demanding that I prove that I have a child before I take it home? And even then, what if I was buying it for someone else’s kid. Why can’t I have 100% juice. How come when you want to buy 100% for kids it comes in a package called “Juicy Juice” and probably only costs $2 to buy, but if I go to the adult juices, it’s marked in some sort of fancy packaging that looks like it only belongs in the refrigerator of rich people and is called “Valencia” and costs $6 for a container half if not a quarter of the size of Juicy Juice. Do kids deserve 100% more than adults and at a lower price? Are we really such a slave to trying to “grow up” that we feel more grown up about drinking Valencia out of an oddly shaped container with cursive, fancy, wedding invitation font rather than walk on over to another aisle and buy juice in a jug with a crazy name and comic font?

And the commercial. It’s all how someone commercializes a project. There’s more guilt involved in buying something for kids too. The whole commercial is targeted to mothers and how bad of a mom you would be for not giving your kids 100% Juicy Juice. It lists all these attributes of being a good mother (which sound absolutely wretched to me) and that if you’re a mom and didn’t by your kid Juicy Juice that somehow your role as a mother is tainted and you are not a good mother in the least bit. Got news for you… you’re probably not going to be a good mom all the time anyway regardless if you serve Tropicana Homestyle with juicy bits of orange or Juicy Juice. Chances are you aren't a good mom even half the time. All of those qualities sound absolutely exhausting.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 206

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 206

May 11, 2008

So, as usual, things went almost entirely the opposite of what expected. Not in a bad way or anything. The good thing wasn’t as good as it should be and the bad thing wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I think I actually was disappointed that it was this perfectly equal day. I need there to be more… especially when I expect more.

I realized that things really disappoint me that I know shouldn’t matter too. Things that I’m merely trying very hard to not let bother me. I don’t know how right or wrong I am about any of it. Things that are bothering me… I really want to feel them. I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel the way I feel for even a fleeting moment, but what about when I don’t agree with them? Am I supposed to fight it or feel it? I think jealousy is the most lame, most ridiculous feeling anyone could ever feel. I had never felt it until Him (when He existed) and now I’m feeling little twinges of it. I think I’ve felt it before Him, but didn’t really know what it was because the reasoning behind it was so irrational to me. I hate people who act jealous. I guess maybe that’s part of it. Is that jealousy is always described as an act and I’m not ok with acting anything, nor would I be good at it. When I’m being irrational though, should I then act? I certainly don’t want to admit that I feel this way to anyone in person, especially when my feelings aren’t based on anything logical. This is now only one more reason I find that this emotion should be banned from all thought and swallowed back because it’s the only one that makes no sense and leaves me in a circular train of thought. If you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably wrong. If you think I’m talking about you though and for some reason you might be right, well, please know that I will continue to repress this emotion because I realize it has no basis and is a ridiculous way to feel in pretty much any given circumstance. Until I sort it out, I guess I will have to pretend sometimes, even only for moments. I’d rather throw myself into the river than have this irrational twitch and I’ll continue to think that everyone else who acts on it is ridiculous, but in all fairness I think I’m ridiculous.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 205

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 205

May 9, 2008

Vindicated

by Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So, mesmerizing,and so hypnotizing,
I am captivated,I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated,and so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 204

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 204

May 9, 2008

So, everything makes me angry, but I’m an entirely happy person. I was writing to a new friend today and said maybe I’m taking all the things that make me happy for granted. I think this weekend will help with some of that, but I sort of think that maybe I’m happy that I can be angry for real reasons, which leaves in me in an emotional state of question mark. Maybe content? Maybe dismissive? Maybe satisfied? I don’t know that there’s an emoticon around that I can simply classify myself in at all anymore. I don’t know that I’m taking my happiness for granted as much as I’m just glad that things matter.

I have a feeling that something that I find very important in my life will end this weekend, but I also feel like I’m at the beginning of so many new things that it’s bittersweet (maybe that’s the emoticon I’m looking for). The things that will probably end will be meant to end and I want to take it out with a bang. I just hope it’s a content bang and one that doesn’t leave me unhappy or unfulfilled. I don’t really see how it could, but this something has been one of the most important somethings that has ever happened to me and it’s hard to know how something like that, even when it seems so definite will affect you. If it goes away I will still miss it, but in a much different, more complete, much more me kind of way. Just like everything big leaves you when you’re ready to let it go. Some things, some people never recover and live their lives forever bitter about one thing. I’m so happy I’m not one of those people.

There are so many new things, new friends, new bands, new possibilities on the horizon that I wish they would just get on a scale and weigh out my somewhat sad feelings about what will probably happen. Sadness has this way of overtaking you though and jumping on that side of the scale like a big fat sumo wrestler and sending all my pretty happinesses flying through the air screaming. I don’t think I have it in me this time though for sadness to win. I’m intent on kicking it’s huge fat ass because I know that this particular sadness has no importance and no more purpose for my life. At least not now.

I feel like I’m one of those scary sports supporters that pain half their bodies blue and the other half white. That’s what colors I feel dammit. I support no sport team nor anyone who spends that much time supporting them. I feel like I’m half blue and half white, cleaned off, fresh and ready to go. Each color keeps trying to run over to the other one and I keep pushing them back because the blue is the one that naturally wants to win, but I’m rooting for white, so I leave them where they are… right down the motherfucking middle of it all.

This weekend will be different. This weekend will decide things for me in a new way and maybe in a year or two I’ll be writing this same exact blog with a new insight and sometimes I truly hope for that because what is life without drama. What’s life without learning from both sides of the table. Keeping the one mask that’s white and the one that is blue is important or else we’ll all just keep being the same… robots… conformists… followers… content to take the easy way out and never try anything new. I know most people will look back on their lives and wonder what they have done with it. I’m content knowing I could die tomorrow and not feel that way once.

I had friends, I had love, I had feelings, I realized that in the end money doesn’t matter and that love does. I know that everyone should feel exactly what they need to feel exactly when they need to feel it and they should always say exactly what they want to say. I lived a life I wasn’t ashamed of and that had no secrets and no shame. I protected who I needed to protect and I helped everyone I could as much as I could. I’m proud of who I am even if I can only define it into one word as…?

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 203

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 203

May 5, 2008

I like proving I was there. I like to know that the people that existed in my life for only a few moments existed. I like remembering that I was there. Sometimes I look back though and it just hurts, but I still don’t want to forget that it hurts. It’s normal. It’s what makes me who I am and put me where I am. It still hurts a lot though. Smiles that now seem so insincere when I think on them seem real when I look at them. Pictures tell secrets. Laughter doesn’t lie. There’s no need to lie about a laugh. You can lie when you’re smiling, when you’re crying, even when you’re angry, but not when you’re laughing. An insincere laugh can be heard right through more than eyes will ever see. Don’t pretend you weren’t happy. Don’t walk away ashamed that you were happy with me. Any of you. I’d rather you kept your flapping, lying mouth shut and only opened it to laugh because that’s the only time I knew you didn’t lie.

Why is everyone so content to live lives that they’re ashamed of, have secrets they’re afraid will embarrass them? It’s insane. Who cares if you heard a story about my favorite orgasm or my most painful period, or the time that it felt good to tie you up? Maybe not all of those things are things I’m proud of and there’s no need to brag or even mention it, but they certainly don’t make things not happen and it certainly doesn’t mean that I won’t mention them either. Friendships you’re ashamed of are friendships that never were. Real friendships don’t end no matter how upset you get or annoyed you might be.

I’m so tired of people who live their lives in opaque boxes and are ashamed to say what their life is. Where are the real people and why am I not with them?

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 202

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 202

May 5, 2008

I don’t know why, but I’m super pissed off at everyone, even people that don’t deserve me being pissed off at them. I don’t know if I’m pissed at people who are happy or people who are sad, people I’m attracted to or people that gross me out. I have nothing but an overwhelming desire to kick everyone’s ass. You’re not the exception. I’ve decided you’re an asshole too. No reason and I’ll get over it. Be pissed or don’t, it doesn’t change anything.

I’m very tired of feeling too much for people who have chosen to care very little for me. I’m exhausted at helping people out when all they do is expect more and don’t appreciate the things I do for them. I’m horny. I want to have angry sex with someone that has hurt me.

I don’t think my dreams have been going well. Maybe that’s it. I’ve been sleeping too much lately. Maybe I need to do the things that keep me from sleeping again. Lord knows I hate sleeping anyway, but I can’t seem to help myself. It keeps overwhelming me. I sleep too well when I sleep now too. It’s as if He were lying right beside me only I don’t think the dreams are nearly as pleasant.

Don’t feel sorry for me because I don’t want you to be there for me. I don’t want you anywhere near me. I want answers, but I don’t have any questions.