My Bipolar Journal - Episode 204

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 204

May 9, 2008

So, everything makes me angry, but I’m an entirely happy person. I was writing to a new friend today and said maybe I’m taking all the things that make me happy for granted. I think this weekend will help with some of that, but I sort of think that maybe I’m happy that I can be angry for real reasons, which leaves in me in an emotional state of question mark. Maybe content? Maybe dismissive? Maybe satisfied? I don’t know that there’s an emoticon around that I can simply classify myself in at all anymore. I don’t know that I’m taking my happiness for granted as much as I’m just glad that things matter.

I have a feeling that something that I find very important in my life will end this weekend, but I also feel like I’m at the beginning of so many new things that it’s bittersweet (maybe that’s the emoticon I’m looking for). The things that will probably end will be meant to end and I want to take it out with a bang. I just hope it’s a content bang and one that doesn’t leave me unhappy or unfulfilled. I don’t really see how it could, but this something has been one of the most important somethings that has ever happened to me and it’s hard to know how something like that, even when it seems so definite will affect you. If it goes away I will still miss it, but in a much different, more complete, much more me kind of way. Just like everything big leaves you when you’re ready to let it go. Some things, some people never recover and live their lives forever bitter about one thing. I’m so happy I’m not one of those people.

There are so many new things, new friends, new bands, new possibilities on the horizon that I wish they would just get on a scale and weigh out my somewhat sad feelings about what will probably happen. Sadness has this way of overtaking you though and jumping on that side of the scale like a big fat sumo wrestler and sending all my pretty happinesses flying through the air screaming. I don’t think I have it in me this time though for sadness to win. I’m intent on kicking it’s huge fat ass because I know that this particular sadness has no importance and no more purpose for my life. At least not now.

I feel like I’m one of those scary sports supporters that pain half their bodies blue and the other half white. That’s what colors I feel dammit. I support no sport team nor anyone who spends that much time supporting them. I feel like I’m half blue and half white, cleaned off, fresh and ready to go. Each color keeps trying to run over to the other one and I keep pushing them back because the blue is the one that naturally wants to win, but I’m rooting for white, so I leave them where they are… right down the motherfucking middle of it all.

This weekend will be different. This weekend will decide things for me in a new way and maybe in a year or two I’ll be writing this same exact blog with a new insight and sometimes I truly hope for that because what is life without drama. What’s life without learning from both sides of the table. Keeping the one mask that’s white and the one that is blue is important or else we’ll all just keep being the same… robots… conformists… followers… content to take the easy way out and never try anything new. I know most people will look back on their lives and wonder what they have done with it. I’m content knowing I could die tomorrow and not feel that way once.

I had friends, I had love, I had feelings, I realized that in the end money doesn’t matter and that love does. I know that everyone should feel exactly what they need to feel exactly when they need to feel it and they should always say exactly what they want to say. I lived a life I wasn’t ashamed of and that had no secrets and no shame. I protected who I needed to protect and I helped everyone I could as much as I could. I’m proud of who I am even if I can only define it into one word as…?