My Bipolar Journal - Episode 206

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 206

May 11, 2008

So, as usual, things went almost entirely the opposite of what expected. Not in a bad way or anything. The good thing wasn’t as good as it should be and the bad thing wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I think I actually was disappointed that it was this perfectly equal day. I need there to be more… especially when I expect more.

I realized that things really disappoint me that I know shouldn’t matter too. Things that I’m merely trying very hard to not let bother me. I don’t know how right or wrong I am about any of it. Things that are bothering me… I really want to feel them. I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel the way I feel for even a fleeting moment, but what about when I don’t agree with them? Am I supposed to fight it or feel it? I think jealousy is the most lame, most ridiculous feeling anyone could ever feel. I had never felt it until Him (when He existed) and now I’m feeling little twinges of it. I think I’ve felt it before Him, but didn’t really know what it was because the reasoning behind it was so irrational to me. I hate people who act jealous. I guess maybe that’s part of it. Is that jealousy is always described as an act and I’m not ok with acting anything, nor would I be good at it. When I’m being irrational though, should I then act? I certainly don’t want to admit that I feel this way to anyone in person, especially when my feelings aren’t based on anything logical. This is now only one more reason I find that this emotion should be banned from all thought and swallowed back because it’s the only one that makes no sense and leaves me in a circular train of thought. If you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably wrong. If you think I’m talking about you though and for some reason you might be right, well, please know that I will continue to repress this emotion because I realize it has no basis and is a ridiculous way to feel in pretty much any given circumstance. Until I sort it out, I guess I will have to pretend sometimes, even only for moments. I’d rather throw myself into the river than have this irrational twitch and I’ll continue to think that everyone else who acts on it is ridiculous, but in all fairness I think I’m ridiculous.