My Bipolar Journal - Episode 141

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 141

October 26, 2007

Just a pin prick to my heart
And I watched it explode
A thousand pieces shattered round it
And opened a winding road
I'm lost in the labyrinth
Blinded by my own eyes
I can't bring myself to open them
And finally see behind this guise

The wolf that stalks and feeds
The whore with lonely needs
The succubus that feeds
On pain
They all bear your name
Your name

I made myself sick
Thinking this might be the way
I fell for my own trick
And can't seem to put it all at bay
My heart can't seem to shut down
My brain's a stupid jerk
Tried to laugh it all away
And found that won't work

The wolf that stalks and feeds
The whore with lonely needs
The succubus that feeds
On pain
They all bear your name
Your name

Don't try to tell me I'm crazy
For being so god damned crazy
What's a person gotta do
Once they've been through it all with you
A socio on the path
To my destruction
I can tell I'm not the first
To go through your abuction

The wolf that stalks and feeds
The whore with lonely needs
The succubus that feeds
On pain
They all bear your name
Your name

Now I can't bear your name

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 140

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 140

October 23, 2007

THIRTY-THREE DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

Okay, I guess I'm still married until I get a postcard. At least there's nothing else to do. I will get a postcard declaring which day my marriage has officially ended and a check for $42.25, I suppose for my trouble?

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 3

1. Throwing away a trash can. It's obnoxious and redundant. A mirror fell on my ceramic trash can, shattering it on one side. It's now useless and had to ironically be put out on the curb with my trash. How does a trash receptacle become trash? Argh!

2. Caleb came over last night and we played the game of life. There are 2 required stopping spaces. You must stop at them no matter how much you roll. You must a) get married b) buy a house. It's no wonder that everyone is completely delusional. On the front of the box is a happy looking family of four. Mom, Dad, Son and Daughter. They're all just so happy to be exactly like the game it's uncanny. I did however, manage to get through the game with no children and Caleb married a man, so we defied it a bit in our own right.

3. I've already screwed up something on my iPod software and can't find an answer on how to fix it. Support does not open until tomorrow and I have a feeling it will be a bunch of hooey of how they won't actually support me.

Things that made me cry today: 1

1. Getting a text message from someone who I can't figure out cares or not, but at least pretended he did. I hope he does. Hope is a fucked up emotion.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 139

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 139

October 22, 2007

THIRTY-FOUr DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

Tomorrow I'm officially not married anymore. Yeah, probably won't be much different than today. It wasn't when I got married, so why would it be different now.

I'm not going to type much. I'm still feeling sick.

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 0

Things that made me cry today: 0

Again.... no emotions.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 138

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 138

October 22, 2007

THIRTY-FIVE DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

So, strangely enough I've started my very mild form of what will hopefully be medication for me today. I feel really sick. I don't know if the two are related or not, but either way, I feel awful inside and out. I made some mac & cheese, drinking some Diet Coke and watching Bruce Almighty.

I bought an iPod thingie today. It's pretty cool I guess.

I want to go to sleep, but them there pesky nightmares have been more and more frequent. Boo.

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 0

Things that made me cry today: 0

Things have made me slightly both today, but I feel so crappy I can't concentrate long enough to have an emotion of any sort.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 137

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 137

October 19, 2007

TWO DAYS UNTIL I START FIXING MY SHIT
THIRTY-SIX DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

The Perfect Words
Radio Deadspace

i found the broken road
it led me to a place that
you would not believe
where everyone's on fire
and wish that they could go back
go back

lonely is a curse
that likes to open up
when you don't believe
all can be erased in time
in time

separating me
from a life that should not be
never forget
this is life, it's up to you
to live it now and make it true
it's up to you

know that all you heard
wasn't quite the perfect words that
they'd have you believe
this is just a way to ease your mind
with lies

separating me
from a life that should not be
never forget
this is life, it's up to you
to live it now and make it true
it's up to you

and all can be erased in time
in time

separating me
from a life that should not be
never forget
this is life, it's up to you
to live it now and make it true
it's up to you

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 0

Things that made me cry today: 1

Phone call from someone I love dearly and don't feel worthy enough to talk to.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 136

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 136

October 19, 2007

THREE DAYS UNTIL I START FIXING MY SHIT
THIRTY-SEVEN DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

So, I picked up my medication today (which has been greatly in question). You see, I have to take this one step at a time financially, so my first step in the process to recovery is to try birth control. It's cheaper, and quite honestly, one of the best things I've ever used for bipolar. If it works again, then it's the cheapest way to go without insurance. Plus, it's not a bad thing to have around in case something should... uh... happen to come up? It may not work and I may have to find another way to get actual and true mental health care, but I'm hoping that this will fix some things at least for the moment.

It still freaks me out because no matter what it is, everything I've taken has made me so less of me. When I went off the pill I started feeling things again more truly and I love that about me. I don't love it though when feelings don't allow me to use logic. Logic has become something I can see, but not reach. I know I'm not supposed to act certain ways, but I do.

I'm afraid I'll fall out of love with the best love I've ever experienced, even as painful as it is.

I'm afraid I'll become less creative.

I'm afraid I'll become truly more reclusive.

I'm afraid I'll go back to doing something that makes me mundane and uninteresting.

I'm afraid of losing of the part of me that makes me me and not just like the Cattle of Humans.

I'm afraid I won't even notice when it happens or give two shits when it does.

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 1

1. I can't remember, but I remember I was mad and that there was really no good reason to be.

Things that made me cry today: 2

1. Waking up and realizing that once again my dreams were just that.

2. Missing Him again.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 135

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 135

October 17, 2007

FOUR DAYS UNTIL I START FIXING MY SHIT
THIRTY-EIGHT DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

One thing I've realized is that this agoraphobic/reclusism is not my style. I'm all jittery and bored and need to get out. I'm going to attempt to remedy this by going into hiding with a friend for a night. Maybe a bar that we couldn't possibly know anyone at or even just chill at the house and be all silent and drunky. Either way, this is not going to be an easy 38 days. I'm only 3 in. Maybe it will get easier as time goes, but for now, I'm crawling from the inside out.

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 1

1. The Debunkify Commercials - I am not, have never been and have no intentions of ever being a smoker, but I am personally offended by the one I've seen the most recently. There's a half man/half horse standing with one sign and a Human standing with another. The myth one says, "You aren't addicted to cigarettes if you only smoke at clubs." The Human one says, "If you smoke once a month you have a 50% sign of showing addiction. REALLY!!!!!!! 50% percent eh? Well, you know what? If you get in a car you have a 50% chance of being in an accident. If you fall down a flight of stairs you have a 50% chance of breaking a bone. If you reach for a pen you have a 50% chance of reaching for it with your left hand. FUCK YOU!!!!!!! 50%! 50 mother fucking percent? That's like saying pretty much anything can happen all the time. YOU ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLES THAT CAN EAT MY ASSHOLE!

Things that made me cry today: 2

1. Listening to "Something Worth Mentioning" and thinking of Him.

2. Looking at new pictures of Him.

Yeah, I'm pathetic. Just like you.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 134

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 134

October 16, 2007

Misdirected
Universal Hall Pass

Hey Misdirected
What is this shit?
Can you tell me this-
You've magnified everything
Swollen if countenance near your reach
Tell me
You think you can tell me who I am?
Well, I am numb to you
That's enough. I've heard enough
Just go away

Been busy have you?
Where have you been?
I've been worried sick
You've borrowed my nightengale
Return it! That's something that can twice prevail
Show me
You think can show me where I am?
Well I'm lost to you
That's enough, I've heard enough
Just go away

You are no longer welcome
I've bought out your usual seats
Your service is obsolete
If in this vein I should call you home

Misdirected

You're on your own dear
How does it feel?
Can you measure
this
You quantify everything
With numbers, pulled out from where panic speaks
Tell me?
I don't think you can tell me who I am
Well I am numb to you
Yes I am lost to you
That's enough
I've heard enough
Just go away

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 133

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 133

October 16, 2007

FIVE DAYS UNTIL I START FIXING MY SHIT
THIRTY-NINE DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

So, I'm off to be seen in public. Tomorrow I go to the doctor, which is weird. I haven't been to any doctor in almost three years. Needless to say... it is time. I've had to leave the house to talk to my boss, go to the bank and pay my bills. Very disappointing.

People have been sending me love messages and all that sort of thing, so thanks and all, but, seriously.... don't get too involved. I'll just ruin our friendship.

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 1

1. Banks - Banks have always made me angry. In the past year, I have gone completely cash only and it has been so much more gratifying. I don't struggle nearly as much as I used to. So the bitch at the bank tells me today as I'm cashing my check, "You know, you wouldn't get charged $8 if you had an account with us," whereas I respond, "You'll have a lot more than $8 of mine if you open me a bank account." I get out my ID at the bank where I get my check cashed every single week and she says it's not a real idea because it's a temporary license. She goes to her manager who is also a cunt and decides it's not a real ID. FUCK YOU WHORE! The manager gets on the phone with someone else because apparently she really is a fucking moron. I tell her it's my only ID. If I show one of my old ID's to a police officer it is not valid, so why is my valid ID not an ID. She goes through an entire stint that takes, I kid you not, about twenty minutes before she'll cash my fucking check. I can't help it you're too stupid to know what a temporary driver's license is. She refused to even call it that. She kept calling it a temporary ID and, yes I corrected her.... every... single.... time. Finally she does making me late to get to my car insurance place to pay my bill. Fortunately, he has a drop box, so it's fine, but still. I told the bitch that if one more person in their office asked me why I didn't open a bank account with them that I would always think fondly on this story. Cunt face.

Things that made me cry today: 0

These numbers may change as I'm on my way to the bar.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 132

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 132

October 16, 2007

"Believe"
K's Choice

Bravely I look further than I see
Knowing things I know I cannot be, not now
I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is
And there's something right in front of me and I

Touch the fingers of my hand
And I wonder if it's me
Holding on and on to Theories of prosperity
Someone who can promise me
I believe in me

Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be
Time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me
Nothing in this room but empty space
No me, no world, no mind, no face

Touch the fingers of my hand and tell me if it's me
Holding on and on to Love, what else is real
A religion that appeals to me, oh
I believe in me

Can you turn me off for just a second, please
Turn me into something faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless
Vacuum state of peace

On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own
I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real and
As long as you're in front of me then I'll

I watch the fingers of our hands
And I'm grateful that it's me
Holding on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 131

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 131

October 15, 2007

SIX DAYS UNTIL I START FIXING MY SHIT
FORTY DAYS UNTIL RECOVERY

So, I've divided up my "recovery" process into 34 days. I have a doctor's appointment for Wednesday and plan on starting my meds on Sunday. I have trouble starting things in the middle of the week. I'm not very happy about this, but I've never been much of a person to give two shits about myself. I am doing this for everyone I've been making miserable... or everyone that I feel like I've been making miserable. I don't think I'm the right person to make that sort of decision right now.

I've sat all day long in my panties with the exception of one trip to the bank.

I consist of two emotions right now. Anger and crying. I shall track them here:

Things that have made me angry beyond belief for the day: 2

1. Wheel of Fortune - Fuck you Vanna White or Vanna White's replacement. It happened to be on the TV while I was on the phone and they've actually degraded the job of turning letters around. IT WAS BARELY A FUCKING JOB BEFORE YOU ASSHOLES! Now, Vanna walks by and touches the screen, and as Erin pointed out.... you know that it's not even a touch screen. There's some fucker sitting in a booth somewhere FLIPPING A MOTHER FUCKING LIGHT SWITCH when she touches the letters. I do believe that they had this fantastic technology 1983. I don't believe that this was invented prior to the light switch. Couldn't they have done this all along? Assholes. FUCK YOU FUCKING MERV GRIFFIN AND YOUR ASSHOLE FAKE JOBS! I'm not even offended that someone makes money doing it. I consider Vanna to be quite inventive and amazing to sucker these poor bastards into paying her to do this. It's just lame that I live in a world where someone would actually invent this job in the first place. FUCK YOU FUCKITY FUCKERSONS!

2. Sweetest Day - Fuck this so called holiday. What are we celebrating exactly? Being sweet? Name five mother fucking Humans you know that are actually sweet. Most of them are sour and bitter, not mother fucking sweet. It's an excuse some fucking vagina made up because she decided that there weren't enough Valentine's Day's in the year from some poor sap to buy her shit. A lameness that was quickly approached to Hallmark who thought, "Wow! Another excuse for us to draw Humans into some sort of sense of belonging and some sort of 'club' that they can feel a part of and have to buy each other cards for." Fuck you. I'm actually starting a point system for everyone I know. You start with 100 points. If you have bought or even considered buying someone anything for mother fucking Sweetest Day, you are now at 90 points and have earned three FUCK OFFS!

Things that made me cry today: 0

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 130

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 130

October 14, 2007

Well, I was going to journal something like this, but the letter I just wrote to a few of my friends probably says it all, so I've edited out the personal parts and decided to leave my journal entry, and letter to many of you as well, at this:

I feel like.... The little wide-eyed kid in those Africa commercials. I'm sure this is as dramatic as everything else I've been doing lately, but I wanted to write you all to let you know that I'm working on it. I haven't been able to stop being either angry or depressed or paranoid lately and I'm truly sorry that any of it may have even allowed you to be even the slightest bit annoyed. I assure, I'm much more annoyed with myself than any of you will ever care to be.

I owe you all a big apology and even with the apology, I can't promise anything immediately. After meeting with someone who will hopefully remain my friend after today I've realized that a lot of my old paranoia and anxiety have come back. I'd like to say it's controllable, but for me, it's not that easy. No matter how much any of you keep thinking or telling me it is. My brain doesn't work right. You all are well aware of this fact for a number or reasons, but it doesn't work right for all the scientific reasons either. Unfortunately, I've been so screwed up that everything in my life that has helped me become more stable has become unstable and you guys have become a part of that and I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I know some of us have been closer than others and some of us will always be that way, but even the ones that have seemed the furthest away, I want you to know that I love you so much more than I've loved anything in my life. And not just because I'd do you and I'm slutty. ;) I know my "morals" and such are far beyond most of what any of you would admit, but I love you all for so much more.

I know that you think this is cheesy and ridiculous and just another part of my insanity, and, well, it is. If you haven't heard me say this before then I will say it now.... Leaving Chris and learning how important my friends are is the 2nd most significant thing that has ever happened to me. It was a life-altering experience. It also taught me my number one rule in life... say what you mean to say, exactly the way you want to say it, exactly how you want to say it.... every.... single.... time. I live every day as if it's my last and most days I actually do expect to not make it through another one. I'll be goddamned if I go down with anyone even wondering for one small moment how I felt about them.

I want you to know that I'm going back on some meds. Well, at least I'm going to try and I want you guys to know because you are the ones that have made me realize how awful I've been and how much I need some help.

I'm hoping, but not expecting that maybe you guys can help me too. I need you to be patient with me. I know it's hard to be patient for some of you who may not feel the same obligation to me that I do to you, but all I can do is ask. There's a cycle we started where I show up, everyone ignores me or acts like they're annoyed I'm there, it makes me upset and then the next time I show up everyone is annoyed and ignores me because I got upset last time. I want to break the cycle. I've been trying, but I've realized I can't do it on my own. I know for some of you it's simple to do things on your own, but for me it isn't. So, please pretend I didn't get this cheesy on your ass, please pretend I never lost my heart in Chattanooga and that I'm the same girl who was all heart in Cookeville (yeah, the first time asswipes).

You're my heart, my family and even when I want to hate you, the reason I roll out of bed every morning and believe that the decisions I've made in my life are the right ones. It's also the reason that I'm going to lay low until November. My biggest problem is that I care too much and being around you all triggers some of the stupidest, most embarrassing attacks. By then, hopefully my meds will be kicking in and maybe give you all some time to forget how lame I am.

If you need me though, I will do my best to swallow my own selfishness and be there. I love you guys with all my heart, more than I could ever love myself and will take a bullet for any of you any day.... mostly because I'm currently suicidal. ;) For those days that I will take one... even when I'm not... I'm pouring myself a glass of wine.

All my heart,

Jenn

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 129

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 129

October 13, 2007

This is for You, BFF, The The's and The Old Man.... You know who you are..... Thanks to Chad for writing it (well, I'm presuming he wrote it). I jammed to it many, many times on my trip to Tennessee. Everyone else check out My Hidden Track at Dirty Jack's on November 23! They're super duper fun!

Something Worth Mentioning
My Hidden Track

And you wait for the chance to feel alive, and you take anything that passes by, and you have some nerve to say the things you said, 'cause you know that I know that they're just some lines we're fed.

But all I want is to waste some time with you, and all I want is for this to not be a waste of my time.

Could you make things easier on me now, but it's cute how you think that you're trying to make things right, but you know that I know that you want something more from this life, but I know that you know that you want something more from this life.

But all I want is to waste some time with you, and all I want is for this to not be a waste of my time.

Did you think I wouldn't notice you take the best of me?
But you don't care what it does to me.
And you take the best of me, and you don't care what it does to me, to me...

You don't don't care, you don't don't care, you don't don't care what it does to me.
You don't don't care, you don't don't care, you don't don't care what it does to me.
'Cause I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you all I have to give. I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you all I have to give.

And you take the best of me, and you don't care what it does to me. I never wanted you to try, I never thought that this could die.

You don't don't care, you don't don't care, you don't don't care what it does to me.
You don't don't care, you don't don't care, you don't don't care what it does to me.
'Cause I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you all I have to give. I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you, I've been givin' you all I have to give.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 128

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 128

October 13, 2007

Sexual frustration sucks.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 127

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 127

October 8, 2007

So girls... which apparently I've somehow accumulated as "friends" in the past few months. I'm very curious about this jealousy thing. I've never really done this whole jealousy thing before and it's making me mad. I want to be able to just say, "Stop it." I discussed this in what might be thankfully considered lengthy conversations with one of my boys the other night and, of course, the solution and/or suggestion was, "Get over it, grow up." Well, duh. A) I know that. B) If I could do that, wouldn't you think I would? C) Why are you getting so upset about your love life and jealous of feelings you're having and then feel like you have the right to judge me.

Which could bring up a whole other onslaught of interesting points.

Try to focus on this subject please.

All I know is that this weird jealousy thing allowed me to completely snap. It was like I felt it completely snap off the logical part of my brain and I'm still grasping to figure out where it fell off to. So, the most annoying part is just sorting it out. Trying to get logic to take over again and reign supreme over retardation and jealousy.

So, ladies.. gimme the scoop.... those of you that are content to actually try to settle down for one man so that you can have these irrational thoughts on a daily basis and somehow justify it as normal... please explain yourselves and maybe I'll find a logical answer somewhere in the midst of it all.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 126

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 126

October 6, 2007

So yesterday was retarded. I can't think a more retarded day. Don't get me wrong. There were some good points. I'm in the middle of hating myself though still, so it's obnoxious. I let things get to me last night and not only did I let something stupid get to me. I responded to it by getting so drunk I was vomiting out next to a dumpster behind a club. It was not ghetto chic in the least bit. I'm mad now for reasons that are also stupid. I'm mad that the only people who came out to check on me were the equivalent of strangers. I'm mad that you get drunk one time and everyone decides that your an alcoholic. I'm mad that people that I think are just about the greatest friends and people I can imagine really just seem to constantly be annoyed by my presence (not that someone shouldn't have been at my disgusting behavior last night). I'm mad that people would want to hang out with someone that they think and admit on a daily basis is crazy rather than be anywhere near me. I'm mad that I take care of people who not only refuse to take care of me, but would rather video tape me and exploit it.

But am I really mad for all those reasons? Probably not. Chances are I'm over-compensating my anger because I'm mostly only mad at myself. I WAS SUCH A VAGINA LAST NIGHT!!!!!! I can't believe that I got so upset and responded to being upset by drinking. I'm mad that I'm finding it so hard to live again and romanticizing it somewhere in my head that any of it would actually matter. A good way to know that you really aren't ready to kill yourself is when you actually sit there while you're contemplating it and think about what would happen afterwards and hope that it would be someone you care about coming to your rescue. That's how you know killing yourself is not your real intent, so instead you go to bed and say no to it and realize how you're even more pathetic, which just starts the cycle up all over again.

My Bipolar Journal - Episode 125

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 125

October 2, 2007

I am so miserable with myself. I'm mortified with this girl emotion that I can't seem to bury. Well, not that it's a girl emotion, but I classify it there, even when it comes from a boy. Jealousy. I have never ever had it before. At first, I experienced it because of the actual relationship the person had that I couldn't have due to a number of factors. Now I'm having it for stupider reasons. I don't know if I'm going to be able to control it. I don't like it. I want to punch myself. Thinking about potentially watching someone I want, want someone else is destroying me. What will happen when I actually see it. Part of me wants to, just to get it over with and deal with it. The other part of me wants revenge, wants to be prepared to try to make this person feel the same way and that's stupid and juvenile and so fucking Human I want to throw up.

I feel like screaming or crying or slitting my wrists and laying around and reading a book while I bleed out. It's so shameful and pathetic that I can't handle myself. My skin is crawling, my brain is screaming and it seems like there should just be some sort of switch inside me to turn this off. But, like every switch you look for you wind up groping around in the dark.

I'm groping around in the dark

For the switch to turn you off

It's nowhere to be found

And at myself I scoff

Pettiness so real

That I can't fight my way through

I fumble and I falter

Jealousy shines true

Hatred and anger

Foulness and stench

I want to throw my neck

Into the nearest lynch

I'm fighting this feeling

Which only proves you wrong

Love can't always be a choice

It can't always be a song

Sometimes its only written words

Put to some sort of rhythm

But I can't stop blaming myself

For letting any of it in