My Bipolar Journal – Episode 126
October 6, 2007
So yesterday was retarded. I can't think a more retarded day. Don't get me wrong. There were some good points. I'm in the middle of hating myself though still, so it's obnoxious. I let things get to me last night and not only did I let something stupid get to me. I responded to it by getting so drunk I was vomiting out next to a dumpster behind a club. It was not ghetto chic in the least bit. I'm mad now for reasons that are also stupid. I'm mad that the only people who came out to check on me were the equivalent of strangers. I'm mad that you get drunk one time and everyone decides that your an alcoholic. I'm mad that people that I think are just about the greatest friends and people I can imagine really just seem to constantly be annoyed by my presence (not that someone shouldn't have been at my disgusting behavior last night). I'm mad that people would want to hang out with someone that they think and admit on a daily basis is crazy rather than be anywhere near me. I'm mad that I take care of people who not only refuse to take care of me, but would rather video tape me and exploit it.
But am I really mad for all those reasons? Probably not. Chances are I'm over-compensating my anger because I'm mostly only mad at myself. I WAS SUCH A VAGINA LAST NIGHT!!!!!! I can't believe that I got so upset and responded to being upset by drinking. I'm mad that I'm finding it so hard to live again and romanticizing it somewhere in my head that any of it would actually matter. A good way to know that you really aren't ready to kill yourself is when you actually sit there while you're contemplating it and think about what would happen afterwards and hope that it would be someone you care about coming to your rescue. That's how you know killing yourself is not your real intent, so instead you go to bed and say no to it and realize how you're even more pathetic, which just starts the cycle up all over again.
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