My Bipolar Journal - Episode 125

My Bipolar Journal – Episode 125

October 2, 2007

I am so miserable with myself. I'm mortified with this girl emotion that I can't seem to bury. Well, not that it's a girl emotion, but I classify it there, even when it comes from a boy. Jealousy. I have never ever had it before. At first, I experienced it because of the actual relationship the person had that I couldn't have due to a number of factors. Now I'm having it for stupider reasons. I don't know if I'm going to be able to control it. I don't like it. I want to punch myself. Thinking about potentially watching someone I want, want someone else is destroying me. What will happen when I actually see it. Part of me wants to, just to get it over with and deal with it. The other part of me wants revenge, wants to be prepared to try to make this person feel the same way and that's stupid and juvenile and so fucking Human I want to throw up.

I feel like screaming or crying or slitting my wrists and laying around and reading a book while I bleed out. It's so shameful and pathetic that I can't handle myself. My skin is crawling, my brain is screaming and it seems like there should just be some sort of switch inside me to turn this off. But, like every switch you look for you wind up groping around in the dark.

I'm groping around in the dark

For the switch to turn you off

It's nowhere to be found

And at myself I scoff

Pettiness so real

That I can't fight my way through

I fumble and I falter

Jealousy shines true

Hatred and anger

Foulness and stench

I want to throw my neck

Into the nearest lynch

I'm fighting this feeling

Which only proves you wrong

Love can't always be a choice

It can't always be a song

Sometimes its only written words

Put to some sort of rhythm

But I can't stop blaming myself

For letting any of it in